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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner won't stop pestering me for sex

304 replies

Saminsachs · 08/01/2019 11:31

My partner has a huge sex drive. We have a four month old baby and tbh,I have not been at all in the mood since giving birth. I wasn't before either,but I had sex with him to keep the peace,as he goes on and on and on about it and gets in a terrible mood.

Anyway,he's been away working for ten days and got back last night and wanted sex straight away. He didn't want to talk,just,as he puts it 'get laid' I was tired and kept on saying no and when he realised he wasn't going to get sex,he just went on the computer.

This morning,he's been on and on about it and even started unbuttoning his trousers, wanting a 'quickie' when our baby was right there next to him in his bouncy chair.

It's all he wants,but I just don't want to...not all the time. I just do it to make him stop pestering me. I could actually in all honesty very happily live without it. But I also hope that if I say yes and do it,it'll satisfy him for a few days...but it never does.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 08/01/2019 12:19

How much sleep are you getting and are you breastfeeding? Because both of those things can have a big effect on your libido and there are things he can do to assist you to get more sleep. Although even if you did want to have sex on a regular, average basis, it doesn't sound like that would be enough for him. I wouldn't be happy at being grabbed all the time.

gamerchick · 08/01/2019 12:20

There's nothing wrong with you OP. The way he's acting would kill the sex drive of anyone with a high one.

Don't have any more babies with this person. He's not dad material and kids deserve better.

BiscuitsMcSnugglepuff · 08/01/2019 12:21

Jesus, I would not put up with that shit. When my LO was that small all I could think about was sleep! And if I had been going it 100% alone I would have been more interested in daddy having bonding time with babe so I could have a break, not feeling like a piece of meat (Or at the least being able to have a catch up or something)

Sex and intimacy is important yes, but it doesn’t constitute the entire relationship. And if my DH stood next to me unbuttoning his trousers insisting on a quicky in that manner he would far more likely be receiving a kick in the balls. Made far worse by the fact that if you say no he gets in a huff or goes on his computer rather than spending time with you or giving you a break (which ironically would far more likely help get you in the mood)

KM99 · 08/01/2019 12:22

And it's the fact that if I say no, he'll see no reason to be around me - he'll then insult me or criticise me. He's only nice to me when he wants sex

And that is the heart of the problem. You could do all the work in the world to compromise on your sex drives. But why on earth would you want to when he treats you with zero respect?

Celebelly · 08/01/2019 12:23

Awful behaviour Sad I really wonder about men who manage to get and remain turned on with a clearly unwilling or reluctant partner. I find it really sinister.

BiscuitsMcSnugglepuff · 08/01/2019 12:23

Also if he’s always grabbing you, do you think he is a good influence to your kids? If female that they are only good for sex or if male they should be predators. Worth nipping that in the bud

jessstan2 · 08/01/2019 12:24

Your husband sounds absolutely vile. You are regularly being assaulted and insulted by him, that isn't what loving sex is all about - and you have a young baby too! Disgusting man, I have no sympathy for someone so uncontrolled. It's called, 'Satyriasis'.

I can't help feeling you would be far more content and relaxed without him and he would probably be so with someone else.

Think about it, are you prepared to put up with his sexual obsession indefinitely because it isn't going to become more moderate. If you were no longer a couple, there would be no expectations on either side, for example if he came to see the children or whatever. You would just be two parents, civil and hopefully friendly.

Lweji · 08/01/2019 12:24

But I agree,there is definitely something wrong with me - having no desire for sex.

Or sex with a sex pest?

That is a major turn off. And I'm speaking from experience. At the end of my marriage I still had a sex drive, just not with now exH.

You need a better relationship.

elvis86 · 08/01/2019 12:26

Based on OP's update, he sounds like an absolute pig. LTB.

gendercritter · 08/01/2019 12:26

I hate these threads. OP it sounds awful and you are being sexually assaulted. He sounds like an utterly shit dad and partner and I hope 2019 is the year you leave him. How can any man think this is acceptable or attractive? It would just make me want less sex, not more. And wanting a quickie when your baby is near by? He's a massive failure of a human being isn't he?

There is lots of help and support on here and in real life if you want to get out. I wish you well.

BettyDuMonde · 08/01/2019 12:26

It’s emotionally difficult for both partners when your libidos don’t match, but that doesn’t excuse abusive behaviour.

Will he see a relationship counsellor? Might help him learn to appreciate all you do for the family and treat you better, which in turn might make you more receptive to intimacy?

If not, I think you will have to start hatching an escape plan.

There is nothing intrinsically wrong with having a high sex drive, as long as the person knows when to put it away for the sake of their partner.

StormTreader · 08/01/2019 12:26

If I lived with someone who groped me all the time, I would be utterly turned off. Being in a relationship is not supposed to be just having access to a prostitute without having to pay, wheres the interest in you as an actual person? The respect? The affection even? The care? The love?

QueenofmyPrinces · 08/01/2019 12:29

....so be flattered that your partner is gagging for it from you!

What a disgusting attitude to have towards a new mother being treated like a sec object.

Please ignore that posters comment.

He sounds awful OP and not a man you should be with. It scares me to think that women put up with treatment like this.

Please realise how wrong his behaviour is Flowers

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 08/01/2019 12:30

He sounds revolting.
Groping you, treating you like an object; unbuttoning his trousers in front of the baby. He is utterly disgusting.
Sorry Op, but if he has always been like this, do you honestly see a future with him?

nomorearsingmermaids · 08/01/2019 12:30

It scares me to think that women put up with treatment like this.

It should scare you more that so many men think this is an acceptable way to behave. Let's lay the blame for this where it belongs.

Lovemusic33 · 08/01/2019 12:31

LTB

sixnearlyseven · 08/01/2019 12:33

Haven't read through the whole thread but absolutely hate it on threads like this when people suggest going to the doctors! If he's like this now with a 4 month old baby what will be be like in a few years when you possibly have a toddler and baby, or if you go back to work . My husband can be a bit like this not to the point of unzipping his trousers though, but the behavior after I tell him I don't want to is the same.

Missingstreetlife · 08/01/2019 12:35

See the cup of tea video about consent (link, someone?). You are being assaulted
Nothing to do with sex drive. No means no.
Try and get away, can you stay with a relative for a few days? Let him know you seriously won't tolerate it. He's an arse.

bookwormsforever · 08/01/2019 12:38

be flattered that your partner is gagging for it from you

I'd speak to your dr about it to be honest as with you not being in the mood may indicate other things than just being tired.

Are you insane, coreyhaim??? The 1850s called. They'd like their sexist attitude back.

Nobody in their right mind would feel in the mood for sex if they had a twat for a partner like OP. Unzipping his trousers beside the baby???

OP, he's treating you like a hole. He's paying no attention to your needs, just his own. Selfish bastard.

Your baby is 4 months old. You have every right to be tired. I'd be tired of your bloody partner too. You just need to tell him every single time he pesters you: 'I have just had a baby; I've had x hours sleep. If you made tea/washed up/stopped pestering, I'd feel a lot more like having sex. Every time you pester me, you make me fancy you less and less.'

But tbh he's probbaly too much of a twat to listen.

Missingstreetlife · 08/01/2019 12:38

I bet he's a porn addict too, Ick.

TooYoungToBeSoTired · 08/01/2019 12:39

He sounds like my ex, with the pestering and treating you badly or being in a bad mood if you say no, although he wasn’t nearly as bad as yours sounds.

After I left him, it was surprising to find out I have an incredibly high sex drive and can have loads of orgasms...I just need to be treated like a person and have my needs met too for that to happen.

bookwormsforever · 08/01/2019 12:41

he shows very little interest in our baby and other child. Let alone me and how I'm doing.

if I say no, he'll see no reason to be around me - he'll then insult me or criticise me. He's only nice to me when he wants sex.

He's currently not talking to me :/ And 100% if I said yes now, everything would be fine. Until the next time...

Oh op, it sounds like he hates you. Would you treat a friend like this? An aquaintance?

He sounds absolutely dreadful. Does he have any redeeming features at all? I suspect not. Do you see him changing? Do you see any future in this?

ThatsNotNiceRoger · 08/01/2019 12:43

You are not the problem OP, your abusive arsehole of a DP is. It is not ok to grope you constantly or pester you for sex and then behave like a twat when you say no. This is not normal and it’s not ok.

PositivelyPERF · 08/01/2019 12:43

But I agree,there is definitely something wrong with me - having no desire for sex

There’s fuck all wrong with you! The very thought of having a revolting, bullying sex pest, like that as a husband makes my stomach turn. Please think seriously about what it’s going to be like staying with a creep like this. Can you imagine what a disturbing view of sex your children are going to have if this is the behaviour they see exhibited towards their mother? He’s going to fuck up any chance of them knowing what a healthy relationship is.

Dimsumlosesum · 08/01/2019 12:44

so be flattered that your partner is gagging for it from you

Oh do fuck off. He's treating her like a thing he needs to use. He gets arsey with her is she's tired (she's got a fucking 4 month old for God's sake). He unbuckled his trousers and indicates for her to service him. Yes sex is important, but not when one person is being treated like a personal wanksock!!!!

And she's allowed she feel tired with a new baby, it doesn't mean "something is wrong" with her.ffs.