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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner won't stop pestering me for sex

304 replies

Saminsachs · 08/01/2019 11:31

My partner has a huge sex drive. We have a four month old baby and tbh,I have not been at all in the mood since giving birth. I wasn't before either,but I had sex with him to keep the peace,as he goes on and on and on about it and gets in a terrible mood.

Anyway,he's been away working for ten days and got back last night and wanted sex straight away. He didn't want to talk,just,as he puts it 'get laid' I was tired and kept on saying no and when he realised he wasn't going to get sex,he just went on the computer.

This morning,he's been on and on about it and even started unbuttoning his trousers, wanting a 'quickie' when our baby was right there next to him in his bouncy chair.

It's all he wants,but I just don't want to...not all the time. I just do it to make him stop pestering me. I could actually in all honesty very happily live without it. But I also hope that if I say yes and do it,it'll satisfy him for a few days...but it never does.

Aibu?

OP posts:
SummerStrong · 08/01/2019 12:45

He sounds horrible....no wonder you don't feel like sex with him!

whatwillbewillbe03 · 08/01/2019 12:46

My ex was like this and i was like you.. The more he became a pest the more i couldn't bare the thought of him touching me. I thought there was something wrong with me. I would even lay there reading the paper on my phone whilst he got the job done (minutes) just so he could leave me alone again.

After i left him i realised it wasn't me it was my relationship. I have been with my STBH for over two years and we have a great healthy fulfilled sex life where i WANT to have and enjoy sex.

Grace212 · 08/01/2019 12:46

he sounds like a horrible person even apart from the sex pestering bit

you don't want to have sex with him because on some level you know he's a horrible person.

please get out of this relationship.

Dimsumlosesum · 08/01/2019 12:46

OP, of course you don't feel like sex when you're being treated like that! There is NOT anything wrong with you.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/01/2019 12:47

I tell you, we have two kids with special needs, neither of us are having sex, we are just too tired, I am asleep by 9pm, if dh wants it he does not do what your partner is doing, he sorts himself out.

Original poster
Saminsachs · 08/01/2019 12:48

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick Yes, I breastfeed our baby. So when he's home,he can't really do much in the night time, but I would appreciate some help when he's at home during the day - but he'd rather not. With our other child,he told me that he was happy to play with her, but didn't want to do any of the 'parenty' stuff i.e bathing,nappies,feeding etc.

Tbh when he's away, it,'s bliss! For one, there's no pressure for sex, and also, I just feel like a huge weight has been lifted and I can do what I want,when I want. For example,drink coffee - I like to have a very small half a cup of mild coffee in the afternoon, but if he sees me do this, he goes mad, because I breastfeed and he says it'll damage the baby - despite me showing him facts and figures etc.

I could live with things like this if there wasn't just this constant, relentless sex talk.

I just absolutely hate his mood when he 'hasn't got any' and I know I could stop it by having sex with him. I just really, really don't want to.

If he was nicer and maybe cooked a dinner first,or spent some nice time with the children and I...or just paid me attention which wasn't sex-related, then it could be different.

He does this gross thing where when I walk past him, he puts his hand 'down there' and does a wiping action - like when you wipe after you've been to the toilet. I've told him I really, really hate it, but he still does it

OP posts:
MakeItAmazing · 08/01/2019 12:49

OP, there is NOTHING wrong with you. What is wrong is that unfortunately you find yourself with a misogynistic useless father and the sex has become the elephant in the room. If he stopped being a twat maybe you'd be more inclined to want to have sex. Maybe point that out to him if you think he had the brain cells to understand it.

Person treats you like shit = one doesn't want to spend time or be nice to them.

Person is a loving, engaged, supportive, helpful husband and father = one feels supported, loved, less tired and more interested in physical relationships.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 08/01/2019 12:50

There is nothing wrong with you Lovely, you have just had a baby ! 💐
There is plenty wrong with him. I would find his behaviour intolerable,
some love and respect wouldn't go amiss.
There is nothing more off putting, than a man who lobs his cock out, or gropes you, at every opportunity, tell him this, before he grinds you down.

Quartz2208 · 08/01/2019 12:50

why are you still there then if you prefer life without him

DisappearingFish · 08/01/2019 12:50

Sorry, he's awful. Abusive and sees you only as an outlet for his sex drive. Do you have the resources to split? Do you have support IRL?

JudasPrudy · 08/01/2019 12:51

Why are people saying she needs to work on whatever issue they imagine it is causing her to not want sex? Is having a baby 4 months ago not enough? Let alone having a totally undesirable partner. Going to take a wild guess that he isn't all that interested in making sure the OP is satisfied in bed either.

Til89 · 08/01/2019 12:52

You would be much happier without him. Your update is really sad and shocking, normal men don’t behave like that.

Original poster
Saminsachs · 08/01/2019 12:52

Missingstreetlife Yup, he is a porn addict!

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 08/01/2019 12:53

Does this fuckwit have any redeeming features?

Honestlyy, OP - why are you with him?

ThatsNotNiceRoger · 08/01/2019 12:54

OP this isn’t ok. Read this thread really carefully (apart from the replies telling you to go to the GP, because you don’t). You and your DC’s deserve much better in life . Leave him, permanently. Your life can only be better.

MakeItAmazing · 08/01/2019 12:55

I've now read your further posts. This man is disgusting and will not she age so you have to be the one to change. If you want to do that there are plenty of people on here and in real life who will help you get the fuck away from this vile man and the children away from their pointless father.

ElspethFlashman · 08/01/2019 12:55

Oh my god, this guy is horrific. Absolutely horrific.

Dump the loveless abusive fucker. You're a single mother anyway, after all.

geekone · 08/01/2019 12:57

OP I have seen your other posts and you really need to get out and get home to the UK.

Please leave this abusive situation.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/01/2019 12:58

Op, can you explain why you've had two children with this man?

It sounds to be like you have incredibly low self esteem, to tolerate this.

Figgygal · 08/01/2019 13:02

he is abusing you!!
Tell him not to come back when he goes on his next trip
Do you have daughters? what advice would you give them?

FortheloveofJames · 08/01/2019 13:06

Okay OP. Ignore what I I said about finding a compromise.

Now that you’ve ellborated quite frankly he sounds like an absolute wanker. Quite frankly is sex pest antics sound revolting.

Parenting is a 24-7 gig. You don’t get to pick and choose which bits are fun and do them only.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you OP, or your libido. Sounds as though you (quite rightly) just don’t want to have sex with someone who shows you no real respect or love. Quite reasonable I feel. It sounds as though you really need to have a think about whether this is working and if you really do want to marry this man.

Original poster
Saminsachs · 08/01/2019 13:06

I live abroad, I am British, but he's not and we moved here about seven years ago. I have no family here and before anyone suggests it, I cant move back - have no one there either!

OP posts:
badirene · 08/01/2019 13:10

Tbh when he's away, it,'s bliss!

This comment says it all, you know what you have to do OP, there is no future here for you and your children. This man is vulgar in the extreme and is only going to get worse, he is no type of partner, husband or father, he is degrading and abusive to you.

When he is away for work again get legal advice, financials in order and get ready to leave.You are already effectively a single parent so you know you can do this.

CoraPirbright · 08/01/2019 13:12

But I agree,there is definitely something wrong with me - having no desire for sex

Wow! He has really done a number on you hasnt he?! Far from there being something ‘wrong’ with you, I would say it is entirely normal to go off sex for a bit post partum. After my first child, we didnt have sex for 1 year!! Not once did my dh mention or even allude to it - he just waited for me to feel ready. Second child it was about 3 months but even that was a little tender and sore - your lower half has basically parted company to give birth so no wonder!!

If there was even the tiniest bit of love, respect and tenderness about this man, then that might be a tiny speck of hope but there seem to be no redeeming qualities at all. He isn’t nice to you except to get his rocks off. I would seriously be rethinking this relationship or at the very least insisting on some counselling (where he is told, in no uncertain terms, that he is a ghastly arsehole).

Can you talk to anyone IRL?