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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner won't stop pestering me for sex

304 replies

Saminsachs · 08/01/2019 11:31

My partner has a huge sex drive. We have a four month old baby and tbh,I have not been at all in the mood since giving birth. I wasn't before either,but I had sex with him to keep the peace,as he goes on and on and on about it and gets in a terrible mood.

Anyway,he's been away working for ten days and got back last night and wanted sex straight away. He didn't want to talk,just,as he puts it 'get laid' I was tired and kept on saying no and when he realised he wasn't going to get sex,he just went on the computer.

This morning,he's been on and on about it and even started unbuttoning his trousers, wanting a 'quickie' when our baby was right there next to him in his bouncy chair.

It's all he wants,but I just don't want to...not all the time. I just do it to make him stop pestering me. I could actually in all honesty very happily live without it. But I also hope that if I say yes and do it,it'll satisfy him for a few days...but it never does.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Slothslothsloth · 08/01/2019 14:14

Ok first of all OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think you know you need to leave this awful man because decades of this horror is simply unsustainable, but clearly it may take some time. That’s okay! Just get the idea in your head now, as a certainty, that you are going to leave and work towards it bit by bit.

Why is your financial situation like? Do you work outside the home (when not on maternity leave)? Do you have your own savings? What is the benefits system like where you are, and would your residency status rule you out for eligibility? There will be a way to leave. There will!

Drogosnextwife · 08/01/2019 14:24

Aw OP, you are definitely feeling like this because of his behaviour
He sounds quite sleazy. My dp doesn't things like that sometimes but I a jokey way, he's not actually looking for sex he's just having a laugh and even then it puts me off and I have to tell him he's making me feel sick, so I don't know how you must feel when your dp is actually being serious.
Why can you not return to the UK? Have you absolutely no one here who would help you out?

RabbityMcRabbit · 08/01/2019 14:26

I with Sloth and similar posters. You have to leave this man, he is a pig who has no respect for you. His behaviour will get worse, speaking from experience and years and years of putting up with this is unthinkable. You have to leave him, for your own (and your children's) mental well-being. X

RabbityMcRabbit · 08/01/2019 14:27

I'm

LittlePaintBox · 08/01/2019 14:29

OP, you have a right to say no to sex, whether it's with a casual date or a long-term partner.

Unfortunately, there's a lot of stuff out there to encourage a man whose partner has recently given birth to feel entitled to demand sex when HE feels ready for it.

Youseethethingis · 08/01/2019 14:33

This is 100% a form of abuse. I am so disgusted at the apologists commenting on here.
OP, is this what you want your children to learn from? Would you like to see them in a similar relationship in future? Or would you be heartbroken at the way your precious babies were being treated? There’s your answer.
This pathetic excuse for a man would park it in a pound of mince and I would invite him to do just that. He is not interested in making love or being a supportive, loving partner and family man. Get rid. Please.

BrendasUmbrella · 08/01/2019 15:19

If you were no longer a couple, there would be no expectations on either side, for example if he came to see the children or whatever. You would just be two parents, civil and hopefully friendly.

Some men don't see their ex's as just another parent after the split. They continue to see them as sex objects they can pursue. A friend of mine was getting hassled after her ex told all their friends she was keeping him from the kids. The real reason was that he wanted to come to the house, shag her, and then say hi to the children on his way out. When she refused to fuck him he refused to see the children.

Though I'm not saying that's a reason for any woman in this situation to stay. That behaviour is still best removed from the family home. How long is it going to be before her dd hears him harassing her, her lovely Daddy who is going to be the model for her future partner. It's awful and toxic.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/01/2019 15:29

Bloody hell. Is there anything good about him?

You will have to spell it out to him. No more pawing, no more pestering and sulking if you don't want sex and if he can't or won't stop then you have some serious thinking to do regarding your future with him.

Does he make you happy at all?

teainthemorning · 08/01/2019 15:50

There's nothing wrong with you op; if your P was in any way loving and caring, showed you the love and respect that you deserve you'd fancy the pants off him.
When someone treats you the way he does, what exactly is it about him that makes him desirable ?

PepsiLola · 08/01/2019 16:04

There is nothing more unattractive and a turn off than a desperate man! I HATE being nagged for sex, but I've only experienced it minor in comparison to your comments!

I could not live like this and would ask to separate.

SilverySurfer · 08/01/2019 16:38

Ugh, I'm sorry but he sounds like a totally and utterly disgusting sex menace. There is nothing that would put me off having sex more. I would tell him you're not a wanksock or sex doll and would appreciate some respect and understanding. I would also tell him that if he persists his chances of ever having sex again is going to be less than zero.

Stop having sex to stop him pestering you!

Original poster
Saminsachs · 08/01/2019 17:15

Wow, thank you so much for all of your replies. Things aren't so great here atm - about an hour ago he called me a bitch and said that I don't respect him.

Feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the responses, and slowly beginning to realise that maybe it isn't right how he treats me. It's such known,ingrained behaviour, I don't know any different really.

OP posts:
RayRayBidet · 08/01/2019 17:27

Big hugs OP, I'm sorry x

Bumbledop · 08/01/2019 17:28

Hi op. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. The way he is treating you is not right. For context I consider myself to have a high sex drive, I would happily dtd every day. My husband finds that too much. However after my first dc nothing happened for 6 months, I just didn’t want to. There are lots of reasons for this after giving birth and I never felt there was something wrong with me, not once, never!

My DH never pestered me, he didn’t even ask, he never mentioned it even. It was only last week (dc is now 15) that he told me he found it really hard and that he was gagging for it!! My DH is as respectful, wonderful man, you deserve the same level of respect. We all do. That is how a loving relationship works.

I just wanted to say that there is nothing wrong with you, you deserve better. Keep reminding yourself of that. I hope things improve for you op Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 08/01/2019 17:29

Massive hugs op, what an abusive arsehole. There is no other option but to dump him. FlowersFlowers.

Original poster
Saminsachs · 08/01/2019 17:35

Slothslothsloth We have separate finances and I have a small amount in savings. I work freelance, but obviously not so much at the moment because of my baby. I am in an EU country and am eligible here at the moment (Brexit..?) for benefits. My daughter was born in England and my son here.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 08/01/2019 17:40

Is he financially abusive as well OP.

RabbityMcRabbit · 08/01/2019 17:53

OP he doesn't respect you at all, I'm so sorry. Similar happened to me - I didn't know I was in an abusive relationship for so long and it took a third party to help me see that what I was experiencing was not normal behaviour. You need to leave this man. It will be hard but your future mental health and happiness and that of your children rests upon it. Is there a Womens Aid equivalent where you are? I found them very helpful when I was leaving my husband. I also had help from Behind Closed Doors, a charity in the UK specialising in helping people escape abusive relationships. Could you seek out an equivalent where you are and get some practical advice on your next steps?x

Original poster
Saminsachs · 08/01/2019 18:11

Thanks everyone. He's going away again,for another 10 days,at the beginning of next month. So I have that to look forward to! I'm definitely going to take some time to process this all. A PP asked if I could imagine spending a lifetime like this...that has really stuck with me. Thanks!

OP posts:
Waddsup12 · 08/01/2019 18:14

If a man treated your daughter like that, would you think it's acceptable?

AssassinatedBeauty · 08/01/2019 18:16

If you can, think about using the times when he is away for a while to plan your long term goals. And to get some support from any relevant local charity, the equivalent of Womens Aid if there is such a thing.

It might be difficult to leave the country and return to the UK with the children, as he would need to give his agreement. Maybe think about how you could separate and stay in your current country, for now.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/01/2019 18:21

So if you are in an EU country, it appears that you are also in a Hague Convention country.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hague_Convention_on_the_Civil_Aspects_of_International_Child_Abduction

If you are contemplating leaving, and you should be, then speak to a specialist solicitor about the likelihood of being able to move back home. Do you have the 'wherewithal' to move out and get your own place where you are now? I know it may not be where you want to stay, but I'd rather be on my own there than living with him!

Gth1234 · 08/01/2019 18:23

4 months isn't long. You don't want to get pregnant again straight away. He needs to tie a knot in it until you feel better.

Gth1234 · 08/01/2019 18:24

OTOH, it's a bit much to be ready to leave the DP just because of this!

TenForward82 · 08/01/2019 18:28

Can you read, @gth? Asking for a friend.