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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My partner won't stop pestering me for sex

304 replies

Saminsachs · 08/01/2019 11:31

My partner has a huge sex drive. We have a four month old baby and tbh,I have not been at all in the mood since giving birth. I wasn't before either,but I had sex with him to keep the peace,as he goes on and on and on about it and gets in a terrible mood.

Anyway,he's been away working for ten days and got back last night and wanted sex straight away. He didn't want to talk,just,as he puts it 'get laid' I was tired and kept on saying no and when he realised he wasn't going to get sex,he just went on the computer.

This morning,he's been on and on about it and even started unbuttoning his trousers, wanting a 'quickie' when our baby was right there next to him in his bouncy chair.

It's all he wants,but I just don't want to...not all the time. I just do it to make him stop pestering me. I could actually in all honesty very happily live without it. But I also hope that if I say yes and do it,it'll satisfy him for a few days...but it never does.

Aibu?

OP posts:

ThatsNotNiceRoger · 08/01/2019 11:55

Why are you with him OP?

He shows no interest in you or your DC and is only concerned about having sex with you and stops talking to you when you say no. He sounds very unpleasant, selfish and abusive to be honest.

Oswin · 08/01/2019 11:55

Not wanting sex with a man who uses her like a walking vagina, then bullies her, is absolutely normal.

Original poster

Saminsachs · 08/01/2019 11:59

The thing is - I think it's the way he goes about it. To be frank,he acts like a sex pest. I can't walk past him without him grabbing my bottom or my breasts or touching me 'down there' I have told him that I don't like it, but he continues to do it.

Just makes me feel a bit yuck :(

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 08/01/2019 12:00

He's abusive and disgusting. He's only nice to you because he wants sex? This is no way to live.

Also there's a word for a man who coerces someone into sex op.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 08/01/2019 12:00

I think you wouldn’t be in your right mind if you wanted sex with this unpleasant man. He pesters you, insults you, does nothing to help you with his own bloody child... what is there to actually like?

Sex is not the real problem here. You’re in a relationship with a git.

Quartz2208 · 08/01/2019 12:00

there is nothing wrong with your desire not to have sex with him - why would you if he treats you like that

Shoxfordian · 08/01/2019 12:01

Just read your update, he's regularly sexually assaulting you. Can you leave him?

Limensoda · 08/01/2019 12:01

Ok flattered was the wrong word but at least her partner is interested in her

You think a man wanting sex with you is 'interested' in you?

No man who is interested in you would demand sex immediately he got home from being away...He would be coming concerned about how she was ffs!

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 08/01/2019 12:01

I’m not even sure she has low sex-drive, it sounds like she has a shit partner.

I imagine if her partner was a good guy who had an interest in their children, talked to her and cared about her emotional needs, that she would find him a lot more desirable. It’s when he’s these things and she has no interest in sex that it’s down to a low sex drive.

bobstersmum · 08/01/2019 12:01

Ignore what ihadacrush says it's utter bollocks, you should not be flattered that your partner is a sex pest. You have a very young baby and it's normal to feel like you do. But if you say you normally have a much lower sex drive than him then maybe you just aren't compatible?

BlingLoving · 08/01/2019 12:03

He sounds awful. Of course I have sympathy for someone who doesn't get any or enough sex. But FFS, you have a 4 month old baby who you are almost entirely responsible for as it doesn't sound like he's around much to step up? What does he expect?

There's that amusing meme that does the rounds now and again about how the sexiest thing a man can do is wash the dishes, do the laundry and look after the kids and frankly, I couldn't agree more. Nothing kills my sex drive more than spending days on end with a child hanging off me and an endless list of chores.

I think you have a bigger problem here, I'm sorry. The endless groping is not okay either.

Clutterbugsmum · 08/01/2019 12:06

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Nothing about your partner would make you want to sleep with him.

He needs to understand that you would probably want to have sex him more if he did more about the house, talked to you as a person rather then an object.

OutPinked · 08/01/2019 12:06

Losing your libido during pregnancy or when you have young children is completely normal. I would sympathise with him slightly more if he weren’t such an abusive arsehole. He isn’t just a frustrated man asking nicely for sex, he’s endlessly begging and pestering you for it as well as groping you against your wishes. He sounds grim.

An incompatibility in sex drives is one strong reason relationships break down. I would be sad if my DP started to reject me endlessly and I would likely think he were cheating. I wouldn’t beg him for it or grope him against his wishes though...

Doesn’t sound as though the relationship will last.

nomorearsingmermaids · 08/01/2019 12:09

Right ok, so he is abusive.

Sulking when you don't get sex is emotional abuse.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/01/2019 12:10

Aghggh he sounds revolting and totally disrespectful, unloving and caring. That kind of behaviour that you described would be a dealbreaker. He is not talking to you, why! Because you are not in the mood for sex, who is when you have a newborn baby, and are finding your feet.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/01/2019 12:12

Why are some people minimising his behaviour, it is unacceptable. Op has a right to not want sex, especially having a very tiring young baby. It is not op fault, she does not have to go to the GP if she doesen't want. There is nothing wrong with her, his behaviour would put me off, he looks like a sex pest tbh.

DavetheCat2001 · 08/01/2019 12:13

God OP he sounds horrible.

I can't imagine anything more off-putting than being regularly groped in your own home like that.

I don't blame you for losing your libido..gross.

1forAll74 · 08/01/2019 12:14

This man sounds awful, a sex pest , a bit like an annoying wasp in the house, only worse. Perhaps a blow up sex doll might suit him better, as he seems to have no real and tender thoughts for a partner.

meercat23 · 08/01/2019 12:14

I am not sure that this has anything to do with you lacking desire for sex. Why does your OH think that grabbing and pawing is likely to make you want sex more or even at all. I think that behaviour is deeply unappealing at any time let alone when you are tired from caring salone for your young baby.

Snoz · 08/01/2019 12:14

Oh I had one of those. Almost put me off sex for life, until I discovered, that I actually have live feelings with a normal person. I thought there was something wrong with me! But I've come to realise I'm being flashed and assaulted on a regular basis. Who the fuck would want that!? So I dumped his sorry ass, and I can happily tell you that there is nothing wrong with my sex drive with the right guy.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/01/2019 12:15

OMG I cannot believe that first response. Please please ignore that op.

You are right op, he is awful.

There's quite possibly nothing whatsoever 'wrong' with your sex drive. That you don't want to have sex with this selfish man is utterly understandable. I wouldn't fancy him at all, in fact it sounds like I'd hate him. So, I wouldn't want to have sex with him, but there's nothing wrong with my sex drive.

Til89 · 08/01/2019 12:18

He’s disgusting. That behaviour would put me off!

Andjustlikethat · 08/01/2019 12:18

, so be flattered that your partner is gagging for it from you

Oh dear god.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/01/2019 12:18

There is absolutely nothing wrong with op that she needs to see the GP about, his constant groping and innendos and pestering for sex would leave me stone cold and would put paid to any bit of sex drive I had.

SuziQ10 · 08/01/2019 12:18

You've only just had a baby. If you don't feel ready to then he should respect that.

I've felt in this position before too, and I think it's horrible. Basically having sex when you don't want to due to so much pressure / knowing that it will be horrible at home if don't do it.

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