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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner won't stop pestering me for sex

304 replies

Saminsachs · 08/01/2019 11:31

My partner has a huge sex drive. We have a four month old baby and tbh,I have not been at all in the mood since giving birth. I wasn't before either,but I had sex with him to keep the peace,as he goes on and on and on about it and gets in a terrible mood.

Anyway,he's been away working for ten days and got back last night and wanted sex straight away. He didn't want to talk,just,as he puts it 'get laid' I was tired and kept on saying no and when he realised he wasn't going to get sex,he just went on the computer.

This morning,he's been on and on about it and even started unbuttoning his trousers, wanting a 'quickie' when our baby was right there next to him in his bouncy chair.

It's all he wants,but I just don't want to...not all the time. I just do it to make him stop pestering me. I could actually in all honesty very happily live without it. But I also hope that if I say yes and do it,it'll satisfy him for a few days...but it never does.

Aibu?

OP posts:
RabbityMcRabbit · 11/01/2019 08:10

Justilou, sorry thats not a good idea. He is a narcissist and will not understand why she is calling the police. He will blame it all on OP and turn it around. She is best saying nothing at all until the time is right x

ThatsNotNiceRoger · 11/01/2019 08:46

I do think should tell the GP everything if you feel able to, and as a pp said counselling with an abuser is not recommended.

RayRayBidet · 11/01/2019 12:35

@Lweji
It's not a hotel, you have to be referred so he might want to go but won't be able to. She is not intending to go with him, it was just a way of getting away.
I have been finding out some useful links in op's area and have sent them to her. I am in Germany too but not near her.
Germany has refuges for DV victims and other support available. Including in English if necessary.

Original poster
Saminsachs · 11/01/2019 16:12

How have I been blind to this abuse for so long?! I broke down in tears infront if him earlier,I just couldn't stop myself,because he's been picking on me all day long and he was just smirking and doing this really weird nodding of his head thing. Kind of like a 'oh,diddums' type thing.

I hate him. But I'm also really aware that I'm going to be breaking up a family and also,even though he is how he is,we've been together for ten years and I can't imagine life without him.

I'm really seriously questioning myself. Is this all my fault? Am I really stupid and ignorant like he says? Is this postnatal depression? Am I in the wrong? I don't know anything anymore! I'm so confused by it all

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 11/01/2019 16:20

The blame for any separation will entirely lie with him for abusing you.

Of course it isn't your fault, you are absolutely not stupid or ignorant - anyone reading these threads can see that. It's not post natal depression either, nor are you in the wrong.

I think part of the reason you are doubting yourself is that you are totally isolated, you have him and his unpleasant mother chipping away at you constantly. You've also become accustomed to it, and it's hard to break out of a cycle.

Original poster
Saminsachs · 11/01/2019 16:23

I feel like I'm going mad

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 11/01/2019 16:25

Thanks would it help to talk about how you feel?

CousinKrispy · 11/01/2019 16:35

if it helps at all, I think your feelings are really normal in this situation. Believe me, I know it is hard.

remember he's been conditioning you to accept this behavior for 10 years. Abusers use techniques like those used to torture prisoners in order to break people's spirits and minds. You are doing GREAT.

Keep reaching out to people, whether that's us or your mum or the helpline. You are not alone, and you are not stupid or weak or at fault.

ThatsNotNiceRoger · 11/01/2019 16:39

It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. Keeping saying this.

You aren’t breaking up your family. You need to protect your children which means getting away from him. They don’t need to grow up thinking this behaviour is normal. Your children should not be around an abusive parent. Think about if your DD was saying this was happening to her.

Slothslothsloth · 11/01/2019 16:41

OP it’s absolutely not your fault. What he is doing to you is objectively abusive in so many ways. Anyone would tell you that.

Of course you can’t imagine life without him, because it’s all you’ve known for so long. But just because you can’t imagine it yet, doesn’t mean you can’t achieve it.

Have you any experience of being in a loving, non-abusive relationship?

MakeItAmazing · 11/01/2019 16:46

Sam

I'm so sad and frustrated reading your posts but pleased to see you accepting the comments and not completely sticking up for him. Actually you haven't have you and that says a lot. What you have done is question the consequences of you leaving and you breaking up the family. Let me say you aren't breaking up the family he is with his abusive behaviour. And I'm sorry if this hurts but you aren't a family when he bullies you for fun and allows his mother to bully you too.

This isn't the life you want for your dd and it isn't the life you want for your future dil either but by staying too long your children will see and learn what they see from their parents.

I've been on here a long time and I can guarantee that if you said help, get me out, there will be mumsnetters in Germany who would have you away and safe within hours of him leaving for work. You just need to ask.

For now, save all you can, sort out the children's passports, look into accommodation wherever you want to be and see the doctor about the retreat. You don't need his permission. Remember that.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/01/2019 17:34

Saminsacs, this is not your fault, it is all him and his abusive nasty behaviour. Would it help to write all his behaviour down and how it makes you feel, and refer to it so yiu have a hard copy. Thus relationship has evolved to the point of no return, you are not breaking any fami,y up, you will still have your family, devoid of 12 stone of deadweight in it, pulling you down. You know you have to do this for your kids, it is not a healthy environment for them and neither for you!

RabbityMcRabbit · 11/01/2019 17:45

What Aeroflotgirl said. This is no environment for your children to grow up in, nor is it good for you. You need to be away from this poor excuse for a husband and father x

Aeroflotgirl · 11/01/2019 18:08

If any Mumsentters are in Germany, I am in Milton Keynes unfortunately, do they have any details of women's refuges near where op lives, or numbers she can contact to help her in Germany. She needs to get her and her baby away from this quite frankly volatile and nasty abuser.

BiscuitsMcSnugglepuff · 11/01/2019 18:27

Be strong, you nor you children deserve to live like you are. You may have been together ten years, but it’s only going to get worse as time goes on. And if he has such a low opinion of women, how do you think he is going to treat your daughter as she grows up? Its likely she would also be subject to emotional abuse (if not physical as well, children tend to push your limits and I doubt he would be the type to handle that well)

Get everything sorted as quickly and safely as you can and get out, before he tries to hurt you more and before he can taint your children’s memories of growing up.

Mishappening · 11/01/2019 18:32

I do not think there is anything wrong with you - it is not long since you ha a baby, and your feelings are those of many women at this time.

But I think the biggest explanation for your absence of sex drive is your partner. Women are not turned on by men who just want to park their dick and eschew anything resembling a deeper emotional and human relationship.

I am sure your sex drive would return with a real man rather than this apology for one.

DarkArts · 11/01/2019 18:37

It's not you. He's a vile abusive bastard!

Gigglebrain · 11/01/2019 18:42

Sam, this is absolutely NOT your fault. He’s messed with your head until you’re questioning yourself. He is physically and emotionally abusive, and you need to get away from him. You e made the first steps, realising and talking about it, that’s a great start.
So sorry you’re going through this.....

RayRayBidet · 11/01/2019 21:03

@Aeroflotgirl I am and I have already posted to say I have done this. I have been getting information from my contacts here as sadly I am a long way from the op.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/01/2019 21:17

That's good RayRay, op needs to know that she is not responsible for his behaviour, this cannot go on, she cannot be in such an awful situation with her baby around this. It really has urgency, as Ian afraid for her safety around this volitale highly sexed abusive man.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/01/2019 21:22

It is NOT you! It IS him him him!!!

He is gaslighting you. Please, please stop talking to him about your marriage, about your feelings, about anything other than daily life. Anything you say he will store up and turn around and use against you.

Please seek out resources to help you. See a solicitor. Call your mum, please.

Mummyshark2019 · 11/01/2019 21:29

He sounds disgusting. I would leave him.

Mummyshark2019 · 11/01/2019 21:43

You must get legal advice and your passports and leave. Sending you hugs.

Mia184 · 11/01/2019 21:49

OP, I am German and I would recommend you google „Frauenhaus“ and the name of the city you live in (or a bigger one close to where you live). The Frauenhäuser provide shelter to women who have been abused and their children. Please get in touch with the one closest to you.

justilou1 · 12/01/2019 05:08

It is a good idea. Germany takes sexual abuse within marriage very seriously. I think given the circumstances, it might even be easier to prove coercion there than in the UK.