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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner won't stop pestering me for sex

304 replies

Saminsachs · 08/01/2019 11:31

My partner has a huge sex drive. We have a four month old baby and tbh,I have not been at all in the mood since giving birth. I wasn't before either,but I had sex with him to keep the peace,as he goes on and on and on about it and gets in a terrible mood.

Anyway,he's been away working for ten days and got back last night and wanted sex straight away. He didn't want to talk,just,as he puts it 'get laid' I was tired and kept on saying no and when he realised he wasn't going to get sex,he just went on the computer.

This morning,he's been on and on about it and even started unbuttoning his trousers, wanting a 'quickie' when our baby was right there next to him in his bouncy chair.

It's all he wants,but I just don't want to...not all the time. I just do it to make him stop pestering me. I could actually in all honesty very happily live without it. But I also hope that if I say yes and do it,it'll satisfy him for a few days...but it never does.

Aibu?

OP posts:
ThatsNotNiceRoger · 08/01/2019 13:15

Do you any support OP? Friends?

Original poster
Saminsachs · 08/01/2019 13:16

CoraPirbright - no one IRL to talk to about this. My mum,who still lives in England, absolutely despises him. But she would never be anyone I could talk to tbh.

His mum lives in the flat next to mine and they are extremely close and she would not have a bad word said about him (or he her for that matter)

OP posts:
StreetwiseHercules · 08/01/2019 13:18

What a horrible creep.

Limensoda · 08/01/2019 13:21

If I thought my son treated his wife like that I would throttle him and wonder where I went wrong!

badirene · 08/01/2019 13:21

@ Saminsachs would be it possible for you and dc to visit your mother and just take some time to think things over away from this man's influence? You don't have to disclose anything to her but I am guessing as she despises him she has seen something in his behaviour towards you and has the measure of him.

BiscuitsMcSnugglepuff · 08/01/2019 13:23

I can’t believe he had a child with you and then told you he didn’t want to do any of the “parents stuff”.

I’m sorry OP, but reading that update just made me feel so overwhelmingly sad. No one should have to live feeling like they are only good for sex. That is not a relationship. That’s being a live in sex worker (as well as looking after LO and I can hazard a guess your the housekeeper, cook etc)

CoraPirbright · 08/01/2019 13:24

Sounds like your mother has the right idea!!

So you live abroad? In his country? Is it usual there for men to be so egotistical and treat women so poorly or did you just manage to luck out with this peach?

LTB and come home!!

Original poster
Saminsachs · 08/01/2019 13:24

badirene No,I really don't get on with my mum.

And if I tried to leave rbe country, all hell would break loose!

OP posts:
PipGoesPop · 08/01/2019 13:24

Flattered? Fake vaginas? Piss off. The man wants to fuck her with a baby in the room and it's all poor thing he must be suffering. Fucking disgusting attitudes on here.

SaturdayNext · 08/01/2019 13:26

Do you get anything whatsoever out of your relationship with this man? He does not parenting, he does nothing to help around the house, he's nasty to you unless you provide sex for him, it's bliss when he isn't around. Please phone Women's Aid and start making plans to get rid of him.

SaturdayNext · 08/01/2019 13:27

Oh dear, sorry, I hadn't clocked that you live abroad. Nevertheless, you do need to think about leaving. Maybe the embassy could help?

IdblowJonSnow · 08/01/2019 13:30

That sounds totally grim and disrespectful, not flattering at all ffs!
Some people clearly have no standards, glad you're not one of them op.
You need to have very strong words with him. Does he not care if you enjoy or not? Sounds like a no from your op, in which case I'd be showing him the door. Angry

Cranky17 · 08/01/2019 13:30

But I agree,there is definitely something wrong with me - having no desire for sex.
I wouldn’t want to have sex with him either.
My ex used to sulk and moan about sex and then he’d stonewall.. was as happy as Larry and Nice to me after the act until he started to grump again... I left him eventually and can honestly say it’s the best thing I ever did.
Go visit your mum on hoilday and stay there.
Don’t worry about your ‘stuff’ just go you will feel so much better

BiscuitsMcSnugglepuff · 08/01/2019 13:40

As much as leaving may cause issues, if you are unhappy (which it is clear you are) I would still strongly consider it. The environment is toxic, and not just for you. Your children will grow up learning by example. As hard as stirring the pot may be, they will be better off having a turbulent couple of years followed by stability with a strong and happy mum than spend years watching their mum be treated poorly and abused by their father. Flowers

RomanyRoots · 08/01/2019 13:41

We used to do it with very small dc in the room as we would never have done it otherwise. Baby in the same room for 6 months and most people don't want to wait until after 6 months.
You need to compromise between you, come up with a normal amount for you.
I can see both sides tbh, he shouldn't pester but if you had an agreement maybe he'd stop.
My dh has a greater drive than me, he knows we'll manage about 5/6 times a week and that will have to be enough. I don't want anymore, he doesn't pester though as it's what we've agreed.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/01/2019 13:44

Are there any Women's Aid type groups where you are? Can you trust confidentiality laws and speak to a solicitor to determine where you stand in the law as far as leaving?

As far as your mum, take a bit and decide exactly why you and she aren't getting on. How much of that has to do with him because it sounds as if she has good reason to despise him? Maybe she saw things in him that you didn't see. Did you get on OK before you started seeing him? And even if you've had a 'rocky' relationship with her in the past, that doesn't necessarily mean that she won't help you now, even if she puts a few 'strings' on it or gives you a big helping of 'I told you so'. I'd gladly take that over staying where you are.

As far as having no one 'back home', think carefully about the people who were in your life when you met him. Often an abuser (because that is what he is) slowly and sneakily alienates us from those who care about us.

AssassinatedBeauty · 08/01/2019 13:44

I can't see both sides. I can't see how it's ever reasonable to insult, criticise and ignore when your partner says no to sex, to continually sexually touch them when they've told you no and that they hate it, to refuse to do any parenting other than playing with the children when he wants to, to be controlling over how much coffee she drinks and all the rest!

Topseyt · 08/01/2019 13:46

You do need to leave him and return to the UK if possible, but you need proper legal advice if you can get it.

If you are in a country that is signed up to the Hague Convention then I think you might need his permission to travel out of it with the children. I could be incorrect on some details there, but you do need proper advice on it.

HappyAndYouKnowItGlugTheWine · 08/01/2019 13:49

OP - just so you know there is nothing wrong with you. I've read the thread and totally disagree with PP saying you should be flattered.

Just to let you know, and share my experience in case is helps - I had a complete lack of sex drive after I had my baby. It probably lasted about 8-9 months in total tbh and at times I did wonder why I was just totally not up for it anymore (had a healthy sexual appetite before baby) and my OH was brilliant and never pressured me. He knew havnig the baby had done a number on my body, and my hormones took forever and a day to balance back to what they were before. I knew OH was upset that we didnt DTD as often as before, and whilst I felt bad it also felt like additional pressure on me and that in turn didn't exactly turn me on! It's a cycle!

In short - your sex drive will return. Whether or not you can forgive your OH for his (frankly absolutely disgusting) behaviour is another matter though!

GlomOfNit · 08/01/2019 13:50

This thread is making me feel ill. [sick]

OP, please understand - this is NOT NORMAL. Leaving aside your current and probably temporary low libido (some women do find that it drops while breastfeeding, and few women prioritise sex over unbroken sleep when they have a newborn) he is behaving in a massively unpleasant way. It is NOT OK for him to grab you by your sexual parts or grope you in passing, just because he's married to you. You are your own person and not his toy. From the way you've reported it, all he wants is to scratch an itch, and you're right there.

You say he works away a lot, for long periods of time, and also that he 'can't' do without sex for more than a couple of days. Do you not honestly think, at the back of your mind, that chances are, he 'gets laid' while he's working away? Sad He seems to be able and happy to separate sexual acts from intimacy, love or esteem for his life partner, from what you say. He doesn't seem to be that bothered by his children, either. Sad

I'd really reconsider your relationship with this man. He doesn't seem to have much going for him, does he?

madmum5811 · 08/01/2019 13:51

Tell him to find someone else while he is away. Only joking. It is difficult with a young baby, you are a single parent most of the time it seems. Things do even out eventually otherwise we would never have a second child. If you have grandparents nearby could you two get away from the house for a bit. Even fish and chips in the car can be a luxury eaten in peace.

GlomOfNit · 08/01/2019 13:52

Whoever it was who suggested buying a 'fake vagina' for him to fuck instead, I have no words. Angry That sort of objectification is appalling. We are not just fuckholes for men and we shouldn't be replaced with plastic fuckholes.

Missingstreetlife · 08/01/2019 13:56

You need legal advice op. Depending if you are married or your partner is legally entitled to stop you taking the children, or forcing you to come back through Hague convention on abducted children,
This will be a struggle but I don't see him changing. There will be help if you can get home, but check your situation first. Good luck, just start quietly making plans. Don't put up with being molested.

madmum5811 · 08/01/2019 13:57

Que??

Seaweed42 · 08/01/2019 14:11

"My dh has a greater drive than me, he knows we'll manage about 5/6 times a week and that will have to be enough. I don't want anymore, he doesn't pester though as it's what we've agreed."
FFS! 6 times a week. That's nearly every day to stop him pestering you?