To think I’ve done something very stupid (work related)

[NewYearsSleeve]

I work for a small business from my employers home office & I hate it. I’ve been working with a recruitment agency for a while trying to find something different. The agency sent my CV to another small business with my agreement but I’ve just found out the owner of the other business is friends with my boss. I’ve got an angry message from my boss asking me what I’m doing looking for another job as she thought we were friends and telling me not to expect a reference. WIBU not to go in on Monday? My boss can be intimidating & bullies people. (One of the reasons I hate working for her).

This is why I hate recruiters and the other employer was very unprofessional to do this. I would make the recruiter aware of what their client has done, and message the employer directly to ask why they did this.

That aside, go to HR for a reference from your current place if possible. They can not fire you for looking for another job, but if you've been there under 2 years they could get rid of you for almost any reason.

i doubt there is a HR if it's such a small company?

No HR I work for a sole trader. So no reference and I haven’t been there a year, so likely no job &
a lot of abuse for looking

All companies must have some sort of HR - who does the contracts, hiring, pay roll etc?

You're entitled to look for another job if you want to and the boss has no right to complain.

In that case, can you afford to leave and use your previous employer for a reference?

I would tackle it head on. Apologise that she found out this way, I'd probably tell a white lie and say I wasn't seriously looking but had wanted to see what else was out there and that you were thinking of changing career direction/working for a larger company or something similar.

If you need the reference you need to face her

She has her accountant do payroll. I have a very basic contract that she drew up etc. No HR.

Not all companies have HR and especially not small self employed businesses

I wouldn't accept a job from this new employer. She sounds as nasty as your current one. They both do not sound professional at all.

Don't worry about the reference. If you get an interview just explain what happened - she refused to give you one when she knew you were looking for another job.

I didn’t get job with new employer- they saw my name/ boss company name on CV and passed the info on. I’m now left jobless and without a reference. I don’t know what to do or how to get a new job without a reference. I also am a bit scared of my boss because she’s so vile and horrible at times. (Throws things across room when in a temper, swears at me etc). She’s going to be even worse Monday. But my family relies on my wage. I don’t know what to do.

Maybe a client can give you a reference instead.

Can you get a reference from your previous job?

I don’t have anything to do with any clients, unfortunately. And I will get a reference from previous job, so hopefully that’s ok. I will email recruiter tomorrow about this as well. Maybe they will be able to recommend me for something else.

She is being really unprofessional. I hope you get the new job.

Don't go back
Just do anything for now - join a demo agency/mcdonalds/ whatever until you find your feet again. Don't be bullied.And tell them both what you think of them - nothing to lose now.

Sorry - just read your lastest post. So sorry that has happened. It really sucks.

Or go to GP and explain - get a sick note for stress - buy some time

Get the hell out of that situation. I’d do anything for now to get some money in while you are looking for another job. Reference wise a client or previous employers would suffice as you haven’t been there for very long.
Good luck x

Stab in the dark, but surely the employer looking for new staff (aka boss’ friend) has responsibilities under GDPR not to share your details? I’d contact the Information Commissioner or similar on Monday.

Oh my goodness I shuddered reading your OP managed to escape a vile abusive employer sole trader working from their home a few months ago
Sorry that doesn’t help but I understand your anxiety and wish you luck also try not to worry about the reference I got my new job and made permanent after six months and asked to see a copy of her reference for me and when they checked it turned out she never provided one
Everyone is different but I went back to work after half a dozen very unpleasant scenes because I thought it would affect my chances of getting a job if I was unemployed. Only you know if you can put up with it until something else comes up

i have p.m you.

I think I feel more threatened working in her home, especially as her husband is always there and is similarly nasty and aggressive at times. My DH has told me he doesn’t want me going back.

Your thread title says you did something stupid. No, you didn't. It is perfectly normal and allowable to look for a new job. It's the only way people move jobs! Your boss is very much in the wrong and unprofessional.

It will be very difficult with your boss if she throws things around and shouts etc, but all you can do is try your hardest to stay calm and say banal things like 'I feel like a new start this year' or 'I want to challenge myself this year so am looking for something new' or whatever you can dream up that is non-offensive. In an ideal world you'd be able to say 'you're a crazy bitch, screaming and shouting and losing your temper, so I don't want to work for you any more' but that will obviously inflame things even more, so if I were you I'd focus it all on your own desire for a change, or blame the commute, or whatever you can focus it on that doesn't inflame this mad boss of yours.

I would go in on Monday and try the above, stay calm, and just get through each hour / day / week / month as best you can while still applying for other jobs.