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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I’ve done something very stupid (work related)

224 replies

NewYearsSleeve · 05/01/2019 23:59

I work for a small business from my employers home office & I hate it. I’ve been working with a recruitment agency for a while trying to find something different. The agency sent my CV to another small business with my agreement but I’ve just found out the owner of the other business is friends with my boss. I’ve got an angry message from my boss asking me what I’m doing looking for another job as she thought we were friends and telling me not to expect a reference. WIBU not to go in on Monday? My boss can be intimidating & bullies people. (One of the reasons I hate working for her).

OP posts:

artisanscotcheggs · 10/01/2019 03:22

RE references; employers should do one of two things, either issue a FACTUAL and ACCURATE reference, or decline to offer one at all.

www.peoplehr.com/blog/index.php/2018/01/24/can-hr-give-a-bad-reference/

In this instance, if she were to issue a reference that was anything other than truthful and it implied very bad things about you that were false, you could take that and take steps to sue her for defamation of character.

Valkyries · 10/01/2019 16:28

I left a job - your boss sounds similar to mine (why I left) - she threw a fit because I had the audacity to hand my notice in (she was affecting my mental health).

I was going to work the month but she then did something else unforgivable so I walked out that day and never looked back. I really worried about needing a reference but as PPs said, I was honest with new employer why I didn't have a reference (I tried not to slag her off as I didn't think that would reflect well) and I've now been at new employer nearly 6 years.

OP hope your interview went well and don't give up hope - there are nice employers out there

hellsbellsmelons · 10/01/2019 16:35

I hope your interview went well.
If it was today?
Or is it next Thursday?
I'm so glad you got away from that vile bully.

Original poster

NewYearsSleeve · 10/01/2019 16:35

My interview today went so awfully, I could cry. I was so nervous I really messed it up. Had to do a data test, they said the average score was 34 and my score was 29. They aren’t going to hire me are they?

OP posts:

Valkyries · 10/01/2019 16:39

oh newyearssleeve don't be sad - we all get nervous

keep trying you'll find a job that really suits you

Original poster

NewYearsSleeve · 10/01/2019 17:26

Thanks it’s just really frustrating. It was an amazing opportunity and I pissed it away. I can’t take the stress of the last few weeks.

OP posts:

RussellSprout · 10/01/2019 22:02

newyear so long as you can get interviews, you'll get a job. It's just a numbers game. If you got an interview so quickly, sounds like you have an in demand skill set. Being able to start immediately and do short term work will be a massive asset.

Original poster

NewYearsSleeve · 17/01/2019 20:20

I got offered a new (better) job today. Yay. They’ve emailed me a load of paperwork, included in that is a form asking for references including that of most recent employer. Can I just leave that bit blank? I really don’t want them going to her for a reference.

I’ve gave references from my previous 2 jobs and a personal reference as well. In the interview I briefly touched on leaving because my boss didn’t always act in the most professional way. I don’t want to lose this job now.

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 17/01/2019 20:33

Brilliant, that's great news.

Was it through the agency? Could they advise you? If not I'd put your other two references down and if they come back to you tell them you weren't sure they'd reply as they weren't happy that you were leaving?

WideBlueSky · 17/01/2019 20:38

No, not through agency.

I’d already told interviewers at interview I wouldn’t get a reference from current job because they weren’t happy I was leaving. They said it happens sometimes. But now it looks like they want to request reference anyway. The problem is I really don’t think she’s above giving me a “bad” reference. However illegal or imoral that might be.

RussellSprout · 17/01/2019 20:41

Just give your last 2 employers (before the nutty one) and see what they say... if they insist then you'll have to name her, but if she gives a bad ref and you can provide 2 others that say you're ok I reckon you'll be ok especially as you've already explained it.

mathsquestions · 17/01/2019 20:47

Well done. giod luck.

milkmoustache · 17/01/2019 20:54

The form will be a standard form, which everyone gets. You can include a cover note explaining why you don't want your horrible boss to be approached, you have already raised the issue and it didn't stop them offering the job. So as long as you keep things brief and professional, it shouldn't count against you. And congratulations!

Original poster

NewYearsSleeve · 17/01/2019 20:55

How likely is it that they will insist on her being named? I really think she will do everything she can to give me a “bad” reference. I was hoping they would be ok with the two references I had supplied.

OP posts:

Original poster

NewYearsSleeve · 17/01/2019 20:57

I was thinking of offering either more personal references in lieu of my boss. Or offering to work a trial day/ week/ fortnight so they can see what I’m like and how I work. Don’t know if that just looks too desperate though...

OP posts:

milkmoustache · 17/01/2019 22:10

If the other references are positive, and the most recent one is really negative/unprofessional, then your new employers will probably smell a rat, especially since you have been upfront with them about the situation. They have met, interviewed and liked you already, so you are in a strong position. They will certainly have come up with this kind of situation before, and will recognise a malicious reference when they see one.

Original poster

NewYearsSleeve · 17/01/2019 22:14

I hope so. Still hoping I can get away with not having to provide her details. I don’t want a malicious reference to have any opportunity to jeopardise this. It’s the best job offer I’ve ever had.

OP posts:

Tiscold · 17/01/2019 22:21

Tell them what you've told us.

Say that you were sacked by your manager for looking for another job and you feel she will provide a malicious refrence.

NoodlesAreYum · 17/01/2019 22:21

Hi NewYears,

You’ve had a terrible time and I completely sympathise with you. Your past employer is not allowed to give you a bad reference - you could sue her. It would be an incredibly stupid thing for her to do. Please give ACAS a call for some advice but it may be worth being honest with your new boss to be. Explain that you don’t want to say very much but stick along the lines of what you said at interview.

WideBlueSky · 18/01/2019 00:25

Noodles I guess the problem is even if she does say things that aren’t true how I would prove they aren’t true? I’ve never had an appraisal or anything. There is no record of my performance or absences anywhere. If she said I took every Monday off for a year how would I prove I didn’t? (For example). And since leaving I’ve spoken to previous ex employees who have said she gave them bad references. And they didn’t get screamed and shouted at like I did.

WideBlueSky · 18/01/2019 00:26

Sorry, can’t cope with changing username obviously ha.

Original poster

NewYearsSleeve · 18/01/2019 00:27

I really can’t apparently.

Noodles I guess the problem is even if she does say things that aren’t true how I would prove they aren’t true? I’ve never had an appraisal or anything. There is no record of my performance or absences anywhere. If she said I took every Monday off for a year how would I prove I didn’t? (For example). And since leaving I’ve spoken to previous ex employees who have said she gave them bad references. And they didn’t get screamed and shouted at like I did.

OP posts:

NWQM · 18/01/2019 09:21

Congratulations! Great news.

As an ex manager who has done lots of recruiting I really want to provide some reassurance. It depends slightly on who the new employer is but I’m fairly sure most managers will have come across a similar situation. Give them the bare facts and don’t worry too much about giving the ughy employers details. There policies may say you have to. You do have evidence though I think - didn’t she send you a nasty message when she found out. You can email the agency to confirm about the interview etc. If you have spoken to other ex employees you could potentially ask them to confirm her pattern of behaviour. Take one step at a time though. You honestly would be amazed at how reluctant HR can be to allow an offer of employment to be withdrawn even if alarm bells have started to ring in the recruiting managers ears ....or that’s repeatedly been my experience... and actually there isn’t anything here. She would have to prove that what’s says is accurate not you really that it’s not.

Good luck and again....well done - I’m guessing that your new employer is impressed at the way you performed at interview despite the pressure you’ve been under rather than worried about the reference. Shows resilience - stay strong now!

MissingGeorgeMichael · 18/01/2019 10:23

Just put down your previous two references and if they question it say that you explained in the interview that your last manager is not happy that you looked or work elsewhere and has in the past provided inaccurate references. You didn't put her down as what she will say is likely not to be an accurate reflection of your work standards and performance.

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