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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’ve done something very stupid (work related)

224 replies

NewYearsSleeve · 05/01/2019 23:59

I work for a small business from my employers home office & I hate it. I’ve been working with a recruitment agency for a while trying to find something different. The agency sent my CV to another small business with my agreement but I’ve just found out the owner of the other business is friends with my boss. I’ve got an angry message from my boss asking me what I’m doing looking for another job as she thought we were friends and telling me not to expect a reference. WIBU not to go in on Monday? My boss can be intimidating & bullies people. (One of the reasons I hate working for her).

OP posts:
NWQM · 06/01/2019 11:05

I’m not an employment or GDPR expert but my thoughts are: -

  • has your employer actually said that you are fired? Not getting a reference for a new job is mean and nasty and I can’t that you have said you are fired. I’ve read the no job as being you didn’t get the new job. If not - and you don’t turn up on Monday - what does your contract say about reference period? Can she reclaim any wages? Most employers wouldn’t bother but....
  • it will be embarrassing on Monday but if you need the money can you fire out your CV to temping agencies? Getting a sick note from your GP can have pros and cons about your confidence to get another job and would only be worth it if your contract offers reasonable sick pay but totally get the not reliance on your wage so you may need to think about it. May be worth just self certificating for flu so you can ring round temping agencies etc. Obviously if you feel you are stressed enough to go to your GP for help do but you don’t need to really worry about that for a week usually.
  • GDPR.... lots of people are saying there has definately been a breach but again I’m not sure we quite know enough. You gave permission for the CV to be shared. Did this include the option to gain a reference? Check with the recruitment agency and if you hadn’t realised that they could do this get your permissions updated. Use the fact that this is awkward to put some pressure on them to help find new or temping job.

Good luck. I’ve been unhappy and felt bullied in jobs. It’s horrible. It’s a balancing act though I know as walking away can sometimes just not be an option.

Kintan · 06/01/2019 11:07

I have done some rudimentary GDPR training, and I think you would have a case against the potential new employer sharing your details with the new one. Worth looking into as leverage with your current boss if they don't want their friend getting into a spot of bother.

Kintan · 06/01/2019 11:07

sharing your details with the OLD one that should have said!

mrsautumnwinter · 06/01/2019 11:09

I worked for one of these monsters. The only thing that restored my reputation was time - more people working for her and realising she was a nightmare. Other employers realising that it wouldn’t be possible for everyone who worked for her to be toxic.

The one thing I should have done was play up to her ego while I was there rather than run away. Engagement with her on the topic will go a long way, no matter how she reacts. These people are at base, very insecure, hiding it by anger, and feel insecure when you want to leave rather than outraged. I think you should explain to her exactly why you wanted to leave and you should record it.

Elphame · 06/01/2019 11:12

I cannot see the agency is at fault here. They passed her details on with her full consent to a suitable prospective employer. That is in keeping with the GDPR regulations.

It is unfortunate that the potential new employer recognised her as a friends employee and unforgivable that she talked about it. If any breach of GDPR has occurred, it is there but I doubt there is anything realistic to be done about it.

I think you may have had a lucky escape OP

LakieLady · 06/01/2019 11:12

I don't think you should go back, either. Both your employer and her husband sound utterly vile.

What on earth makes people think it's ok for an employer to behave like this? In any responsible organisation, a manager behaving like that would be on a disciplinary. Managers where I work have been on the capability procedure for far less.

FrankieChips · 06/01/2019 11:17

I’m sure they legally have to give a reference if asked. It doesn’t have to be a good one but it can’t be a bad one either. They just have to state that you worked there for the period you have stated.

OllyBJolly · 06/01/2019 11:20

There's no legal requirement to give a reference.

newplacenofriends · 06/01/2019 11:21

report person you applied to for breach of GDPR.
It's illegal for your employer to not give a reference, also refrences are only allowed to be factual. However you might need court action to get them to do so.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 06/01/2019 11:23

Save your bosses' message.

I would go in on time Monday, have someone go with you if possible (they can even wait outside to see if they're needed), to talk to your boss/collect your things. Have your phone on record when you go in or bring a small recorder so if your boss verbally kicks off you have proof. If there is aggressive or threatening behaviour, call the police and use your evidence.

You are not a slave. You are allowed to look for other positions when and where you want to. Your employer doesn't own you. Your employer and her friend at the other company have behaved very badly here, and you need to make sure the Agency is aware of what they have done.

Good luck, OP.

newplacenofriends · 06/01/2019 11:23

ah, sorry mistook, it is legal for them not too. Any good company would but sounds like she is not a good company. If you have other refrences it should be fine.

Amummyatlast · 06/01/2019 11:24

It is not illegal for the employer to not give a reference! OP - I would listen to daisychain and flowery - they often post on the employment boards and they know what they are talking about.

Amummyatlast · 06/01/2019 11:25

Sorry, x post newfriends.

SaturdayNext · 06/01/2019 11:31

You're only left without a job if you choose to be. It doesn't sound as if your current employer is sacking you - if anything it sounds as if she's worried about losing you. I think you need to go in to work with your head held high, and tell her you're happy to have a constructive discussion about why you were looking elsewhere. Keep it icy calm on your part, and if she starts shouting and throwing things tell her you're illustrating precisely why you didn't want to stay. It could be well worth recording the whole discussion, no least so that if you feel physically threatened you can walk out and, if appropriate, report them to the police.

Itslookinglikeabeautifulday · 06/01/2019 11:33

Fwiw, my former boss (very intelligent, savvy guy) used to say references weren’t worth having: his feeling being that if someone really rates you they give you a good reference because they like you, and if someone doesn’t, they give you a good reference because they want to get rid of you. So please don’t worry too much about lack of a reference. Hope everything goes ok tomorrow. Your boss sounds horrible. x

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 06/01/2019 11:39

I'm with your husband on this one, unless you really want to go back in.

TSSDNCOP · 06/01/2019 11:43

www.gov.uk/work-reference

Useful link here.

If your current employer will not give a reference, you can evidence your employment with your offer letter and your P45 and keep her e/mail too.

Frankly I think you’ll be dodging bullets by not working for either of these employers. Normally I’d say try to tough it out until you find something else, but this is one of those exceptions and I’d resign first thing tomorrow morning. Check your contract for notice conditions and get the hell out.

sayitisntsojo · 06/01/2019 11:43

Do you work for my ex employer? I left my job with my 'd'f because she was grumpy and basically took the piss. She was volatile and so was her husband. I never got paid on time which caused so much stress. I am so glad I got out.

Missingstreetlife · 06/01/2019 11:43

The agency should take it up with the other employer, do current employer use that agency too?
Phone acas to see what rights you have, it's outrageoud

PoutySprout · 06/01/2019 11:43

And the “absolulute bollocks dressed up as meaningful advice” award goes to:

If you have not been fired and have proof of above mentioned abuses then you have no option but to leave and bring your employer to court for constructive dismissal which is basically them forcing you to quit. I am in Ireland so I cannot go into legalities with you as they may be different there but look into this. You cannot be forced out of a job unless you have done something wrong and it is actually illegal to not get a reference from a past employer. I would also look into GDPR for the agency allowing your details to be passed on to your employer. All is not lost.

Not one word of this is correct.

Missingstreetlife · 06/01/2019 11:44

Outrageous

PoutySprout · 06/01/2019 11:44

AIBU is just about the worst place to post this sort of stuff. That’s why there’s an employment issues board. Wink

iseecabbages · 06/01/2019 11:46

If op is looking for new job through agency, then she is giving her consent to pass on her details to prospective employers. So they’re not necessarily breaking gdpr laws.
Most recruitement agencies will try to not make you identiable, because they don’t want the employer contacting you direct, they want their percentage.
I would check with agency what they are disclosing, but if you are working in a fairly niche sector, for small family firm in small town then it not going to be to hard to identify who you are.
Sorry not much help in your situation, but I would contact agency to explain what has happened and I would probably take anything on offer than go back into you current abusive environment.

Tistheseason17 · 06/01/2019 11:54

@PoutySprout
Totally agree with you.

PattiStanger · 06/01/2019 12:01

Tbh I'd say walking away and cutting your losses if the realistic least worst option

Talk of compulsory references, GDPR and HR depts are all fine if you're working for a larger organisation but in your situation I'd suck it up and get the hell out.

Your mental health is likely to suffer the longer you spend on this.

It really annoys me when one of the first suggestions in this type of situation is to get signed off for stress. Imo it's insulting to people with genuine problems.

I used to work in a similar role, luckily with a lovely boss, I can only think that those thinking every company has an HR department have limited employment experience.