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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask people to pay for their own meal

239 replies

Whereisthecoffee · 03/01/2019 20:26

I’m getting married later this year simple register office ceremony no fuss as we are saving for a deposit and are quite low income. Our family would like to celebrate with us after but we don’t really want to take out a loan. Would I be unreasonable to have an optional relaxed meal afterwards that is pay your own ? Small gathering at a local restaurant and we would be giving out edible favours and I’m looking into buying all who attend a drink?
Please be gentle with me wedding planning is frazzling my head. I’m also looking into halls I can hire to do afternoon tea if all else fails.

Thank you

OP posts:
Normalnorman · 03/01/2019 20:29

No it's not unreasonable at all. Just let guests know they're invited to join you if they can and add a note that you're unable to provide paid meals or accommodation and maybe include a menu / details of place you're planning to get married.

I've been to a couple of weddings where we attended and paid for our own food and stop over there's nothing wrong with it at all.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 03/01/2019 20:32

I wouldn’t go sorry. I think if your having a party and giving favours you should fed and water you’re guests even it it was just a cold buffet

Stardustinmyeyes · 03/01/2019 20:32

As you plan to let everybody know, not unreasonable at all. Congratulations and I hope you have a lovely day.

Original poster
Whereisthecoffee · 03/01/2019 20:32

Thanks
I was originally doing a evening party with buffet as my family have been in the catering buisness a long time but most places aren’t letting us make our own. We can do a brilliant buffet for a fraction of the price of a meal too!

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 03/01/2019 20:33

Nothing wrong with it, maybe put on invites that instead because you’re saving up and can’t afford to host, instead of of a present you’d love them to have a meal afterwards

19lottie82 · 03/01/2019 20:33

I think YABU, sorry. If you want people to take the time to attend your wedding, the least you can do is pay for a meal or a buffet.

You could always ask somewhere for a fixed price menu so you don’t go over budget.

Zoomerang · 03/01/2019 20:33

I think it's fine if you only invite people who are really close to you. Your best friends and close family won't begrudge you, but colleagues, random cousins ect might do.

Make sure they know the plan in advance, and also make sure it's affordable for them (which might mean a local pub where they could chose to have a sandwich or whatever - don't impose fancy three courses on people who might have their own money worries).

And I'd be careful about being too ostentatious around this - if you make people pay then fly business to the Caribbean on your honeymoon people might be put out!

Normalnorman · 03/01/2019 20:34

@Whereisthecoffee Your wedding - you have it however it suits. Congratulations and enjoy!! :)

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 03/01/2019 20:35

This is exactly what my friend did. They did manage to get a deal with the restaurant because it was a big booking.

Original poster
Whereisthecoffee · 03/01/2019 20:36

Thanks for the response originally the plan was family ceremony big evening party everyone would be fed and looked after I’m just struggling with finding a venue that will allow own catering. It’s frustrating as I know our guests would spend a lot at a bar so they would make their money.

I think I know I’m being a bit unreasonable just frustrated at the function places I’m trying at the minute. Not even anywhere fancy just pubs too.

OP posts:
MsJaneAusten · 03/01/2019 20:37

YANBU. I would go and I’d be pleased you were inviting me whilst also sticking to a budget.

If you’re happy catering your own though, check out church halls or similar for the reception. They are usually cheap to hire and allow you to serve your own food. The issue is with drinks - you can’t sell alcohol so would need to give it away or get people to bring their own.

MatildaTheCat · 03/01/2019 20:37

I would say use any budget you can on hiring a small but nice venue and then either lay on a buffet or ask people to bring a dish. Provide some drinks and encourage people to supplement this with their own.

It seems more friendly and fun somehow to have a joint effort party than pay your own way. However you know your family and friends best so only you can judge it.

Do you know anyone with a suitable house or garden to lend?

CherryPavlova · 03/01/2019 20:38

Good communication is key. It’s entirely acceptable if people know in advance. Most families would just want to share your day regardless of whether you provide food or not. They certainly wouldn’t want you getting into debt to pay for their party, surely?
We went to a wedding earlier this year. Our daughters friend who we’ve known since primary school. She couldn’t afford much but it was a truly lovely day. Everyone brought food to share, lots of us decorated the church and hall where the reception was. We used Christmas lights and candles so it all felt quite magical. Nobody begrudged helping or providing things. A real sense of support and community for the couple.

Steamedbadger · 03/01/2019 20:39

If it's a small group and you explain then I can't see any problem with this. As PP have said, you can say that this is instead of buying you gifts.

RedEyedGirl · 03/01/2019 20:41

Wow. That is so spooky as I came on here to post literally the same thing.

Registry office wedding planned here too, and really stumped on what to do afterwards. The minute you say 'wedding' everywhere charges extra, so we were also thinking of a restaurant with a few family members. Hiring a hall is a hassle (you have to decorate, clean up everything yourself, and hire chairs and tables etc). We don't want to spend a lot of money so wondering if we can also do what you're suggesting.

Godo luck with whatever you do

Ivygarden · 03/01/2019 20:56

A village hall would allow you to take your own food. A marquee company will come and “dress” the venue to make it look wedding-y. I think you should provide food for your guests, even if it’s a cold buffer and a paying bar.

OyOy · 03/01/2019 20:56

I think you should cut your coat according to your cloth.

viques · 03/01/2019 21:00

Just a thought about venues. Have you tried local secondary schools? they often let out premises at reasonable rates. You would have to sort out your own arrangements for a bar but that shouldn't be too hard and clearly the catering wouldn't be a problem.

Charles11 · 03/01/2019 21:00

A friend of mine hired a hall and asked everyone to bring a dish for a buffet instead of a gift. They provided drinks and some food too.
It was such a lovely and cheerful wedding.

MIdgebabe · 03/01/2019 21:00

I would be delighted to be invited, as long as it was clear.

It’s about celebrating your relationship not putting on a show for other people. ITS about you, not someone else’s expectations.

If you do go the at home/ rent a hall route, many friends may be able to help out with food or clearing up as a gift

greendale17 · 03/01/2019 21:02

I think YABU, sorry. If you want people to take the time to attend your wedding, the least you can do is pay for a meal or a buffet.

^I agree

corbylee · 03/01/2019 21:02

Had the same at my wedding we had a family meal before the evening do where we had a buffet. Everyone paid for themselves with prior notice and it was fine, in fact my family actually fought (lightheartedly) at who was paying for mine DH's and DC's mealGrinwe never assumed or expected anyone to btw
A wedding doesn't have to cost loads, mine cost peanuts really in the end and we all had the greatest time

Holidayshopping · 03/01/2019 21:03

No, I wouldn’t do that. Splitting the bill at the end sounds a nightmare, especially if some are drinking loads.

Can’t you do a buffet and have people back to yours afterwards?

Bellsandwhistle · 03/01/2019 21:03

If your family can cater the event I’d totally hire a church or village hall for this and provide a drinks reception and let people know in advance they may need to bring their own drink to supplement if they want. You absolutely have to feed your guests even if it’s low budget and simple. I’ve been to great weddings in halls with big long tables and low budget buffets with little drink but never ever a wedding here I wasn’t fed.

mrsm43s · 03/01/2019 21:05

10 close family and friends that know your financial situation - for sure you can ask them to pay for their own meal and they may well be happy to do so in lieu of a wedding gift.

50-100 extended family, general friends etc - no you really can't - its crass.

Sensible options are the village hall, or only invite as many as you can afford to pay for/scale down other things such as dress or honeymoon..

Unless it was someone who had very good reason to not be able to pay (l.e had been seriously ill and unable to work/had brought wedding forward to accommodate a dying relative etc) then I'd just decline the invitation, or maybe go to the ceremony and straight home afterwards.

You are really just asking everyone to subsidise your deposit, because you can actually afford to pay, you just don't want to as you want to spend your money on something else.