To ask people to pay for their own meal

[Whereisthecoffee]

I’m getting married later this year simple register office ceremony no fuss as we are saving for a deposit and are quite low income. Our family would like to celebrate with us after but we don’t really want to take out a loan. Would I be unreasonable to have an optional relaxed meal afterwards that is pay your own ? Small gathering at a local restaurant and we would be giving out edible favours and I’m looking into buying all who attend a drink?
Please be gentle with me wedding planning is frazzling my head. I’m also looking into halls I can hire to do afternoon tea if all else fails.

Thank you

I see you have found somewhere now but to answer your question YANBU.

We weren’t invited to a small wedding due to cost but we would have very happily paid for our own meal if it meant we could celebrate with them.

I think if you worded it as such, we’re not having a party but a pay for yourself meal after, please let us know if you would like to join us, then I’m sure your genuine friends and family would be happy to do this especially if you specified no gifts.

why not hire a room in a working mens club or social club ( often free) and have a bring and share buffet? you could supply say bread and jacket spuds ,some drumsticks, ask people to bring a salad or savoury dishes or pudding. We do this in our church and it always works out brilliantly. Cheaper than paying say £30 a head for dinner or worst still a hotel room.

Yanbu if you let people know in advance.
People saying they wouldn’t attend if no food was offered is really a tacky way of saying “I’m just here for the food”.

We went to a wedding like this (in fact I was one of the people who suggested it). B&G couldn't afford a big wedding so arranged for a two course meal at £15 per head at a local hotel. It was lovely and we had no problem paying.

Congratulations on the forthcoming wedding, OP!

Looks like you have a possible venue planned. I did see your post about the 'dessert bags', unless people have somewhere to eat those although it is a cute idea I would skip that tbh. If you have a venue and can do your own catering the dessert bags would go down brilliantly there.

Definitely not unreasonable IMO to not want to take out a loan. Don't do that.

If you were my good friend in these circumstances I'd want to pay for my meal so I could celebrate with you, or contribute in another way, especially in lieu of a present. I'd be annoyed if you had an expensive dress/honeymoon etc but not in the way you're planning.

We hired a village hall for ours. If you go that way, get some wine/Prosecco when it's 25% off in the supermarket so you can get a bottle for £4 each - cheaper than paying for a bar to be provided and the license!

Those you love and love you will be less judgemental than some of the posters.

Not sure if anyone has suggested this or if its possible where you are but I've been to a couple of church/ village hall events where a local pub provides a sort of portable bar service - they provide the alcohol and bar staff and sell it as they would in their usual establishment for a deposit which you get back if they make over a certain amount so doesn't actually cost anything if your guests spend enough.

That would give you the flexibility to provide your buffet, however I'd be perfectly happy to celebrate with a nice meal and pay for it too.

Try a local bar or social club. I know our local ones let you have a room for free and bring your own food just as long as you buy drinks from their bar.

This same issue (poster?) asked the same question on Quora today, the answer there was universally that it's utterly unreasonable to ask guests to pay. Interesting that it's not the same view here?

Fish and chip suppers are pretty popular for weddings now, especially the gourmet vans that come to the venue. Same for burger vans, ice cream.

It isn't unreasonsble but it won't go down well. I say this from my own experience...

Fingers crossed for the £50 deposit one, OP!

I think it's totally fine to do this if you can't afford a 'traditional' pay-for-everyone wedding. If everyone knows in advance then they can't be surprised or shocked by it. And anyone who cares about you will understand and will want to come and celebrate with you, not cats-bum-mouth about how tight they think you're being.

People on here saying it's embarrassing or rude or whatever should be fucking ashamed of yourselves.

Wow, there are some really mean-spirited, entitled and narrow-minded people on here. I'm glad you found a solution that works for you but it's sad how many people think you shouldn't be allowed to celebrate if you don't lay on a spread.

Glad you've found somewhere OP. Like others, I was going to suggest looking at a church hall or similar. You could apply for an alcohol licence to run a paying bar.

Can't stand stuffy formal weddings- loads of waiting around, expensive (but not necessarily good) mass catering 3 course "posh" meal... and I really don't understand why couples go into debt for one day, rather than thinking of their future together. An expensive wedding does not equal a happy marriage. We got married in our early 20s (no money) registry office then party in my mum's garden. I did all the food (cold buffet) and got all the teens I'd babysat for when they were kids to serve it. One friend made the cake, another did the photos. Everyone was so relaxed and had a good time. I spent most of the budget on wine.

15 years later we're still together (and we own a house because we didn't get into any debt at the beginning).

Op congratulations, hope you have a lovely day!

If you were my good friend in these circumstances I'd want to pay for my meal so I could celebrate with you, or contribute in another way, especially in lieu of a present.

Yes, this. People will get your circumstances. It's not like you've spent ten grand on a dress and then run out of resources to host your guests, or some such. There are cheeky bridezillas out there. You don't sound like one to me.

I wouldn’t mind paying my own way, I’d just be happy I’d be invited OP

If you want to look into hiring look at halls or perhaps a marquee?

Congrats, I’m sure it’ll be a fab day whatever you do xx

Does nobody do a buffet and drinks at home anymore? We did that, and I've been to a couple of other wedding receptions like that as well. It doesn't need to be in a big house or garden either, just a normal size house or flat, some food and drink and a bit of dancing once people have had a few drinks.

I'm glad you've found somewhere OP! FWIW I would happily pay for my own meal, if the venue were close enough OR I was very close to the bride or groom (although I balk at paying for my own meal at my sister's destination wedding, which I spent over £1000 to attend for 3 days )

Re: the favours- you could maybe do a cupcake wedding cake and give the cupcakes as dessert/favours. We had this at one wedding we attended and it was so lovely.

Some of the best wedding parties I've attended have been held at WMCs and social clubs. Central, reasonably priced drinks, they already have lots of seating, plus you can supply your own buffet. I'm in the North though, not sure if you have any near you but most places seem to have a British Legion or similar

Congrats OP and hope it works out for you!

Some of you should read the thread or AT LEAST read the updates from OP she must have the patience of a saint to reply in such a graceful way after some of the rude comments on here.

I was originally doing a evening party with buffet as my family have been in the catering buisness a long time but most places aren’t letting us make our own. We can do a brilliant buffet for a fraction of the price of a meal too!

Is there a community centre near you? My local one would definitely let you hire a room under that sort of arrangement. If you could then do the buffet at a price you can afford then I think I'd go for that option. If not, I don't think there's anything wrong with explaining the circumstances and letting people choose whether they want to pay their way or not join in with the meal. Since it sounds like a small wedding where everyone knows you well enough to understand why you need to keep the costs down, I doubt if many of them would begrudge paying.

Glad you've found somewhere i was wondering where in the country you lived that there was nowhere with a bar that offered space to self cater. Im in Manchester and there are loads.

Another one who thinks its easier to lay on food not ask others to supply it / pay for selves.

Well this zombie thread has taken a left turn!