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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask people to pay for their own meal

239 replies

Whereisthecoffee · 03/01/2019 20:26

I’m getting married later this year simple register office ceremony no fuss as we are saving for a deposit and are quite low income. Our family would like to celebrate with us after but we don’t really want to take out a loan. Would I be unreasonable to have an optional relaxed meal afterwards that is pay your own ? Small gathering at a local restaurant and we would be giving out edible favours and I’m looking into buying all who attend a drink?
Please be gentle with me wedding planning is frazzling my head. I’m also looking into halls I can hire to do afternoon tea if all else fails.

Thank you

OP posts:
RedEyedGirl · 03/01/2019 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

madmum5811 · 03/01/2019 22:00

Well if parents do not pay for weddings. Could parents chip in perhaps. It is special giving your offspring away to start a new life I would have thought.

ivykaty44 · 03/01/2019 22:00

Get a village hall or pub function room & ask all the guests to bring food, so instead of a present list there is a food list to tick of

French stick to feed x
Cold ham to feed x
Tomato salad to feed x
Bean salad
Salmon mouse
Pate
Butter x 1
Pavlova
Summer pudding

And the list goes on

Don’t worry about favours

If it’s a church hall can you purchase a few bottles of Prosecco now and don’t worry about favours

Get free glass hire

Waitrose cake

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 03/01/2019 22:00

Have to go with the majority sorry. I think it's a bad idea. I would rather wait until I could afford £300 for a buffet in the local parish hall and community centre - and a disco! These places often have a bar too. (So people can buy their own drink...) I would even buy a shitload of 'bits' from Asda/Lidl/Morrisons etc, and do it myself!

I would never have multiple dozens of people for my WEDDING meal at my , and then all split the bill. It's beyond tacky, and will cause resentment, and people not turning up.

Also, rightly or wrongly, many people won't like it. As a few people have said, it's pretty poor etiquette.

Dieu · 03/01/2019 22:03

Sorry OP, but I could never in a million years do this.
YABU.
(all the best with the wedding though!) Flowers

LaurieMarlow · 03/01/2019 22:05

I think YABU, sorry. If you want people to take the time to attend your wedding, the least you can do is pay for a meal or a buffet.

Another vote for this

Bluesmartiesarebest · 03/01/2019 22:05

Don’t ask people to pay for their meals and don’t bother with wedding favours as they are a waste of money.

The idea of afternoon tea in a village or church hall is ideal. I did something similar for my wedding and we had a lovely day.

babysharkah · 03/01/2019 22:05

I don't think it's the best thing tbh.

A low budget village hall wedding byo drink could be a great party and you lay in some buffet food. Doesn't need to be expensive at all.

Splitting the bill in a restaurant would be a Nightmare though.

ivykaty44 · 03/01/2019 22:06

Redeyedgirl I’ve just paid for my dd wedding, small wedding breakfast & her dress, and shoes etc, and one of the bridesmaids. They paid for suits, dh and two bridesmaids, flowers and rings

I’m not rich, but my daughter wanted a low key wedding therefore it was within my price range to offer to pick up the bill

cordeliavorkosigan · 03/01/2019 22:07

can you tell the venue you have hired a caterer but then essentially "hire" yourselves / your extended family? rather than telling the venue that you are bringing your own food?

ForgivenessIsDivine · 03/01/2019 22:07

You will find a venue ... or if those who want a party want to pay for it... let them!!

Worriedmummybekind · 03/01/2019 22:09

We went to a lovely wedding which was held in a restaurant with just immediate family and best man/bridesmaids & family. Think it was about thirty people. They paid for it. But was just the cost of the meal.

Otherwise, I’d suggest a church hall. You don’t have to have been married in the church or anything. They are usually cheap and have a kitchen. Some that have recently been rebuilt look really nice too.

Rockbird · 03/01/2019 22:12

I'm pretty disgusted at the posters implying that you aren't entitled to celebrate your marriage if you don't have a bulging bank account.

I would have no problem at all with paying for my own meal and I doubt that the people who love and care for you and your soon to be DH would either. Just be clear up front. You'll soon weed out the real friends.

theplot · 03/01/2019 22:13

How old are you? I'd be very happy with paying my way as long as it's clearly communicated and agreed in advanced (no surprise costs! I'd want to see the menu in advance). Weddings are so excessively expensive. I think it's an older generation that expects the full works because they did it that way. Now less people are getting married (a lot because of the expense). Could you offer another option? Eg. Between ceremony and meal stop at a pub and put money behind the bar for everyone to have one drink, optional to then join the meal and pay their way

BrokenWing · 03/01/2019 22:15

How many people are you inviting?

Can you do it at home? Or your parents home? Last party we went to there were around 40 adults and 20 kids (football team end of season/won league celebrations) in a medium sized 2 bed house and it was brilliant, great atmosphere and even some dancing in the kitchen.

Id rather do that with a buffet and ask folk to bring a bottle than ask them to pay for their own meal out.

LaurieMarlow · 03/01/2019 22:16

I'm pretty disgusted at the posters implying that you aren't entitled to celebrate your marriage if you don't have a bulging bank account.

No one is saying that

hibbledibble · 03/01/2019 22:17

You can hire halls cheaply, even in London. Most churches and schools will have a hall which is available for hire, just call up your local ones, as well as community centres.

I think you need to cut your cloth according to your means. If you can't afford a big party, then don't have ones. Maybe just immediate family and very close friends in a restaurant if that is all you can afford, or a hall with self catering or asking guests to bring a dish each.

Yabbers · 03/01/2019 22:18

And remember the demographic of MN seems to be fairly well off, so if you are well off this probably does seem unreasonable. But normal people will think it is fine.

@abacucat I'm well off, I think this is reasonable, I'm also "normal" Not everyone with money is a selfish twat.

HairyDogsFeet · 03/01/2019 22:19

Best wedding I have ever been to was a church hall. Guests were asked to contribute and not give a gift. Told sweet/savoury etc and how many for. Some decorated the hall as their gift. The bride and groom didn't drink but told you to bring your own alcohol and they provided soft drink. Borrowed a giant fridge- like in a shop to keep it all cool. Music was on an iPod through speakers. Church and village halls have chairs and tables.

Merryoldgoat · 03/01/2019 22:19

My jaw just hit the floor. Sorry dahrlin', turns out you're too poor for love.

The poster obviously means the party rather than the marriage.

Personally if I were in your position I’d just get married quietly and have a party at a later date. The marriage is the important bit.

Newyearwhoohoo · 03/01/2019 22:20

Church halls are the answer.

Strike Methodist Church halls off your venue search; no alcohol allowed anywhere in their churches or halls! Grin

RedEyedGirl · 03/01/2019 22:21

If you can't afford a wedding the you don't get married

There's a difference between a wedding and a marriage. One is a legal commitment, the other is a party and not necessary to make that legal commitment.

theplot · 03/01/2019 22:28

Do these posters who expect the couple to pay also expect to be paid for if invited to a birthday dinner? I've always paid for myself so wouldn't have a problem also paying for a wedding meal.

Merryoldgoat · 03/01/2019 22:31

@theplot

It’s completely different. For most weddings you go to considerable expense and give up significant amounts of time to attend.

A birthday meal you wear something nice from your wardrobe and give up a few hours usually close to home.

hibbledibble · 03/01/2019 22:33

*Church halls are the answer.

Strike Methodist Church halls off your venue search; no alcohol allowed anywhere in their churches or halls!*

An extra saving in that case Wink

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