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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask people to pay for their own meal

239 replies

Whereisthecoffee · 03/01/2019 20:26

I’m getting married later this year simple register office ceremony no fuss as we are saving for a deposit and are quite low income. Our family would like to celebrate with us after but we don’t really want to take out a loan. Would I be unreasonable to have an optional relaxed meal afterwards that is pay your own ? Small gathering at a local restaurant and we would be giving out edible favours and I’m looking into buying all who attend a drink?
Please be gentle with me wedding planning is frazzling my head. I’m also looking into halls I can hire to do afternoon tea if all else fails.

Thank you

OP posts:
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 03/01/2019 21:36

YABU - my friend did this a few years ago, and it was embarassing! Her new husband had to go round everyone asking for £20 a head after the meal. I felt awful for her, and she now regrets it! It was a small wedding, and for the sake of 20 x £20, they should have just sucked it up.

Have read somewhere if you say it's a wedding, the price trebles. Maybe just book a party and see if the price drops?

dogsdinnerlady · 03/01/2019 21:37

Better to ask guests to pay for a meal of their choice rather than waste money on wedding presents,

Leeds2 · 03/01/2019 21:37

Are you prepared to say roughly where you are? People may have some suggestions as to places you could try where you can do your own food.

My DD was once taking part in a sponsored run at a secondary school, and family wedding guests were in the foyer with mobile heaters preparing a hot buffet for a wedding. It looked lovely! Maybe schools near you would offer out their gym, hall etc.

Or, just you and your husband at the wedding and then have a big party for your first wedding anniversary, or fifth anniversary etc, depending on finance.

Owwlie · 03/01/2019 21:38

How about rather than going for a meal you just go for a drink with family in a pub or bar by the registry office? My cousin did this. Registry office wedding then we went to a local pub and they had hired out a little area (cost less than £200 for a few hours and fit about 40 people) and they had a wedding cake. Everyone bought their own drinks and if people wanted to buy food then they did. No one minded at all as we knew they couldn't afford much and it was a really nice day.

They looked at hiring a hall/function room but like you said, most won't let you bring food. And there's no 'village halls' anywhere near us either. This was a nice compromise as no one had to buy a meal unless they wanted to eat. Some did and some didn't. If you can stretch to it you could get a few bottles of prosecco or something from the pub as well to give as a toast.

Lindy2 · 03/01/2019 21:38

If your family are caterers then that is a real asset.
Have your party and make it a real family do. You need a church hall or village hall. Most charge an hourly rate and have a kitchen area. A few balloons or decorations will make it look nice.
You'll have a lovely wedding, within your budget, guests will be fed and happy with no awkwardness about asking them to pay.
One of the best weddings I ever went to was just like that.

bookwormsforever · 03/01/2019 21:38

Yes to church halls. We hired our own church hall for my mum’s 70th and a catering company came in. It was fab! Could you do that?

OyOy · 03/01/2019 21:40

Ok so you have the money to get married but not have a wedding.

That's fine, just have the ceremony and save for a wedding.

Lots of people do this and always have.

Getting a loan for the hall hire and the cost of the buffet (even it's from you family) makes no sense.

You could float the idea with family who have said they want to celebrate with you and see if they give an enthusiastic yes and agree a budget, and find a restaurant with a set meal.

Or you could save and have a celebration at a later date.

I'm sure your actual wedding day will be very special regardless.

Russell19 · 03/01/2019 21:41

You'd be better getting a village hall, providing the buffet but then say it's bring your own alcohol on the invites so you save that way and you could get a few bottles of fizz yourself to give away for toasts. I'd be happy taking my own alcohol to a wedding.

subspace · 03/01/2019 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DeaflySilence · 03/01/2019 21:42

I think there are halls in most parts of the country that you can do your own buffet in, and have guests bring their own bottle ... some might need a bit of decorating, but those can be hand-made.

Can you tell us which part of the country you want your wedding to be in? If you can, then you could even get people to private-message you with budget hall ideas that might be suitable, if you are not keen on your potential venue appearing on the thread. IYSWIM? Smile

WrongKindOfFace · 03/01/2019 21:43

I understand why you wouldn’t want to give away your location, but a name changed post might throw up a few places you haven’t heard of?

From booking rooms before I found that many places, particularly church halls, don’t advertise and you can only get the info by phoning them.

I think bring a bottle and/or plate in Lieu of a gift is perfectly fine.

frocksnogandbusters · 03/01/2019 21:44

How many guests are we talking about....? Just wondering really. I can’t see a problem asking for folks to pay their way, as long as they know up front.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 03/01/2019 21:45

YABU. If you can’t afford to feed your guests you can’t afford a wedding.

WrongKindOfFace · 03/01/2019 21:47

Sports clubs are often worth looking at as well. And schools.

There is a search facility on net mums - just change your location (I just put in Manchester as an example). www.netmums.com/manchester/local/index/parties/halls

Myheartbelongsto · 03/01/2019 21:48

If you can't afford a wedding the you don't get married. You don't ask guests to pay for it.

Littlechocola · 03/01/2019 21:48

Have it at home

SilverySurfer · 03/01/2019 21:48

Firstly, how many people are you planning to invite?

If you can't afford to pay for a meal for your guests, I think your suggestion of afternoon tea in a village hall with home made sandwiches and cakes and a few bottles of bubbly for the toast would be a good alternative.

I would definitely drop the idea of gift bags with homemade desserts, they really aren't necessary.

PeridotCricket · 03/01/2019 21:49

Try more places. Unusual places too. Church halls, scout huts etc. Ask friends and if family have been in cater8ng do they know people or a place?

I think supplying food and asking people to bring own drink is fine in the circumstances.

EmeraldShamrock · 03/01/2019 21:50

Yabu. I am in a similar position but I am going to go for a cavery buffet. It would cost you a few hundred pounds, though I am sure you will get cash gifts to build back up your deposit savings.
I would feel I still had to get a gift, along with an outfit, travel to the event then on top pay for a meal. I wouldn't be a looking forward to the wedding at all.

subspace · 03/01/2019 21:50

not ideal and i think you need to be really careful. I went to a wedding once where we paid for our own meal.... The bride turned up in a horse and carriage!! I thought that was very cheeky

That does sound very cheeky but that's definitely not the vibe this poster is giving off.

YABU. If you can’t afford to feed your guests you can’t afford a wedding

My jaw just hit the floor. Sorry dahrlin', turns out you're too poor for love. Hmm

Celebelly · 03/01/2019 21:51

I find it quite sad that people think their loved ones shouldn't celebrate or have a wedding unless they provide X, Y, Z. Whatever happened to just wanting to be involved in the day of someone you care about? It would be an informal, low-key wedding with an optional celebratory meal after that people are welcome to attend. I'd think that anyone kicking up a fuss is probably more interested in 'being a wedding guest' than actually being there for people they love and care about. Christ, I would feel bloody rotten if someone I loved felt they couldn't celebrate their wedding because they couldn't afford to pay for everyone's meal.

madmum5811 · 03/01/2019 21:52

Don`t parents pay for weddings anymore??

KonaMum · 03/01/2019 21:53

People can be unbelievably stuck up on here Hmm

I think a small family/close friends gathering where everyone pays for themselves (as long as they are told in advance and aren’t under any pressure to attend) is completely reasonable and very sensible. Agree with a PP that anyone who expects you to get into debt to treat them to a slap up meal is not someone you would want at your wedding!

Somewhere with a set menu would be good and/or having the menu available in advance and making it clear to everyone how the bill will be paid (ie. do you want cash, everyone gets their own bill, pay at bar, PayPal/bank transfer to you or whatever). I’m also a big fan of a cheap and cheerful village hall wedding though! If you need any tips on that front, I’m your girl!

RedEyedGirl · 03/01/2019 21:56

Don`t parents pay for weddings anymore??

It's becoming increasingly less common. The only people I know who had their parents pay are fairly well off. It's the norm for people to pay for their own weddings nowadays.

MNMH · 03/01/2019 21:57

subspace
When you say "try to be considerate/don't be a dick" you're referring to how the wedding couple should behave, right, not me...?

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