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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask people to pay for their own meal

239 replies

Whereisthecoffee · 03/01/2019 20:26

I’m getting married later this year simple register office ceremony no fuss as we are saving for a deposit and are quite low income. Our family would like to celebrate with us after but we don’t really want to take out a loan. Would I be unreasonable to have an optional relaxed meal afterwards that is pay your own ? Small gathering at a local restaurant and we would be giving out edible favours and I’m looking into buying all who attend a drink?
Please be gentle with me wedding planning is frazzling my head. I’m also looking into halls I can hire to do afternoon tea if all else fails.

Thank you

OP posts:
recently · 03/01/2019 21:25

Rather than asking people to pay, I would choose to ask guests to bring a dish of something to eat - I think this is more acceptable.

michwright · 03/01/2019 21:26

You say you and family can do a great buffet, have you thought about hiring a village hall or similar, and just hiring some tables and chairs? You can make room and tables look pretty fairly chepaly and would add to excitement of the whole day how you have done it yourself, good luck, enjoy your day

ButteryParsnips · 03/01/2019 21:26

Have you googled 'free room hire' and the name of your city? That can bring up places you wouldn't have thought of.

Also if any of your friends or family are members of rugby / cricket clubs etc, ask if they can put a word in for you there.

abacucat · 03/01/2019 21:27

As long as it is clear, it is fine.
I did go to a wedding in a village hall where food was provided, but we were asked to bring a bottle. I was fine with that as well.
As long as the couple are in love, that is what matters.

HauntedPencil · 03/01/2019 21:28

I think it's totally fine to have a low key arrangement after whereas people can come on the expectation they pay fir their meal but are really not obliged to.

Even in a hall your costs may mount up.

This really isn't a good place to ask as many posters on here expect a meal and a free bar for the whole night Grin

In the normal everyday world as long as you are very relaxed and say it's really optional then I can't see people getting offended, and if it's an issue they just don't have to go to the meal.

lastqueenofscotland · 03/01/2019 21:28

As long as it’s commuicated well in advance it’s fine.

Surprised by how many people said you are being unreasonable tbh

Grumpos · 03/01/2019 21:28

Despite usually believing that weddings should be accessible for the guests and provide plenty of nice food and drinks based on the theory of you inviting and requesting ppl to join your celebration of your lives.....I actually think in these kind of occasions it might not be cheeky to set it as an optional celebratory meal much like when it’s a friends birthday, you don’t expect them to foot the bill for 10 friends!

As long as it was explained to me that it was a small informal ceremony with the option of joining us for a nice meal and drink after I’d not feel put out at paying for myself at all. On the basis that the bride wasn’t wearing a £3000 dress and as pp said, they weren’t flying off to an exotic honeymoon!
You might have to be prepared that people will see it as an optional event though and you might not get as many guests as you’d like.

Travisandthemonkey · 03/01/2019 21:28

Can you not do it at someone’s house?
Parents: friends
If it’s the summer have you thought about just a big picnic in the park - I did that for a big number birthday, cooked loads of stuff, bought lots of booze, kids played - everyone was happy.
Very weather dependent l guess, but if you have a back up house to go to then it’s doable.

Church hall? I mean there are hundreds of churches in big towns

abacucat · 03/01/2019 21:29

Alternatively, have a do in your house? Something like curry, rice and cake would be cheap and easy. And people who were not rich used to have wedding dos at a family house until about 50 to 60 years ago.

FuckingYuleLog · 03/01/2019 21:30

If it’s only family could you not do a buffet at home? Or if your place is too small would the parents or inlaws be willing to host?

abacucat · 03/01/2019 21:31

And remember the demographic of MN seems to be fairly well off, so if you are well off this probably does seem unreasonable. But normal people will think it is fine.

Grannyannex · 03/01/2019 21:32

Bring and Share and bring a bottle. No gift. I’d be happy with this.

Original poster
Whereisthecoffee · 03/01/2019 21:32

Im not even having a honeymoon, just want to clarify I currently have no money saved towards a deposit so I’m not trying to get guests to pay so I don’t have to spend money I have if that makes sense. If I had a meal it would be paid for with a loan.

OP posts:
Twillow · 03/01/2019 21:32

I'd be piqued if I was asked to pay for my own food tbh, but I wouldn't mind at all how low key the catering provided was - cold buffet sounds fab. Round here there are definitely pubs that have free rooms to let out, whether they let you bring food or not I'm not sure, but obviously they make money from the guests buying drinks. Church or village hall is a good bet and then you could definitely ask guests to bring their own drinks without offense.

MNMH · 03/01/2019 21:32

I'm confused. One wedding thread says that the day is not just about the bride and groom and the guests should be taken into consideration. On this thread the majority of the people say that the guests should be willing to accommodate the needs of the couple.

Which is it?

Jenny17 · 03/01/2019 21:32

Your day, your rules.

Please do not take a loan out to make others happy. Perhaps suggest in lieu of a gift they purchase optional refreshments.

Honestly friends and relatives should all be happy for you unless they have to travel a lon distance or are put out of their way.

Have a great wedding day!

Original poster
Whereisthecoffee · 03/01/2019 21:32

I don’t want gifts I’m going to state when inviting that gifts aren’t necessary

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 03/01/2019 21:33

Our local Hall is free to hire, do your own catering, but you buy your drinks from their bar. I'm sure there must be others that work on the same basis.

subspace · 03/01/2019 21:33

Can some of us help you Google for suitable venues (who would let you self cater)?

A pub with a good size back room is another option to consider. That's the bar sorted, and even if they insist on catering for it it might be affordable.

Don't forget that people can often spend insane amounts of money on wedding gifts, so if you invite them to a meal that would cost £10-20 each and ask that they pay for that instead of a wedding gift I would think that was more than reasonable.

Grannyannex · 03/01/2019 21:34

Alternatively you could do a cream tea in a hall afterwards. Bowls of strawberries. Keep it simple. Late morning.

TatianaLarina · 03/01/2019 21:35

^friend of mine hired a hall and asked everyone to bring a dish for a buffet instead of a gift. They provided drinks and some food too.
It was such a lovely and cheerful wedding.^

I like this idea.

If it’s just your family and his, couldn’t you do it at a family member’s house or have a bbq?

Don’t do gift bags they’re a complete waste of money. You might as well put that towards the catering.

Normandy144 · 03/01/2019 21:35

It's not ideal and i think you need to be really careful. I went to a wedding once where we paid for our own meal.... The bride turned up in a horse and carriage!! I thought that was very cheeky. If you really can't stretch to feeding people can you at least subsidise the meal. Whatever you do don't waste money on favours (edible or otherwise) as that money can go towards the restaurant bill.

Grannyannex · 03/01/2019 21:36

Yes I’d do a cold Buffett and ask everyone to bring their own alcohol and drinks

KennDodd · 03/01/2019 21:36

I think the best wedding I ever went to was like this. Both bride and groom were from abroad, different countries both really far away. No family attended only about 18 close friends. Wedding at registry office, then public transport (in wedding dress!) to pub for a meal, party at a friend's house afterwards. The b&g didn't have any money, when they told people they were getting married they just said we'd love you to come but cant afford to pay for you all, please don't give us a present, we don't need or want anything, just pay for your own meal. It was a great day.

Travisandthemonkey · 03/01/2019 21:36

Sports clubs! Local rugby club/ cricket / football

Get your future DH to start playing something urgently, so you can use their clubhouse!