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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask people to pay for their own meal

239 replies

Whereisthecoffee · 03/01/2019 20:26

I’m getting married later this year simple register office ceremony no fuss as we are saving for a deposit and are quite low income. Our family would like to celebrate with us after but we don’t really want to take out a loan. Would I be unreasonable to have an optional relaxed meal afterwards that is pay your own ? Small gathering at a local restaurant and we would be giving out edible favours and I’m looking into buying all who attend a drink?
Please be gentle with me wedding planning is frazzling my head. I’m also looking into halls I can hire to do afternoon tea if all else fails.

Thank you

OP posts:
huuskymam · 03/01/2019 21:16

I personally wouldn't do it. To me, if you invite someone somewhere then you pay unless it's mutually agreed to pay your own way. I have something similar for my daughter's 18th (she doesn't want a party only an immediate family meal, about 25 people). My sister suggested let everyone pay their own meal, but I've invited so I pay.

Original poster
Whereisthecoffee · 03/01/2019 21:17

Also sorry for the multiple posts but to answer , no photographer , no wedding cars,dress I like is well under a hundred pound it’s just the function rooms not wanting us to bring food that’s stunted things really.

OP posts:
maddening · 03/01/2019 21:18

I had my 40th in a lovely place which catered buffets at £12.50 a head - is that doable?

subspace · 03/01/2019 21:18

I think it's fine if you are clear with guests when you invite them. The alternative might be to get a village hall and all everybody to bring a potluck. Enjoy it, whatever you do Flowers

Drum2018 · 03/01/2019 21:18

Just get married in a registry office and tell people when it's done - no fuss, no stress and you get to keep your money for your house. I really don't think you should be trying to organise a wedding party if you cannot afford it. Plenty of people are choosing to do it alone nowadays for that reason and it makes more sense than worrying about what people will think about having to pay for their own meal.

Yabbers · 03/01/2019 21:18

Not unreasonable at all and anyone who is insistence that their attendance at your wedding is a favour that deserves being given a meal, need their heads looking at.

If you aren't keen on directly asking them yourselves, would an option be to ask your parents or bridesmaids to do it on your behalf? Send the invites for the ceremony but have them call round and say they'd like to get everyone together for a meal afterwards, would they like to come along and join the party? That might appease those ridiculous people who expect something for their attendance and if anyone objects they can just say no and that way it's kept away from you.

Or, is there a family member / friend with a big enough house or garden who can have everyone over to theirs?

Puggles123 · 03/01/2019 21:19

As long as you let people know beforehand YANBU- as long as the restaraunt has a range of food and price ranges (you don’t want people missing out if they can’t afford to pay a fortune for a meal). I wouldn’t mind at all if it was one of my friends or someone in my family; I don’t go to the weddings for the free food!

happytoday73 · 03/01/2019 21:19

I think if you make it clear it's optional and clear that need to pay for own good and drinks it's fine. people have a choice. we went to a similar set up with a set menu....quite happy to pay as we knew money was tight and would hate them to get into debt to feed us!

Coralnails · 03/01/2019 21:20

How many people are you inviting? I don't think it's unreasonable if it's just a handful of close family.

I certainly don't think that you should feel pressured to spend money you haven't got on a party.

maddening · 03/01/2019 21:20

Or bbqs are about £10-15 a head

Holidayshopping · 03/01/2019 21:20

How many people are you inviting? Do you maybe need to invite fewer?

Can’t you just cater at your house (or your parents/in laws if they’ll let you?)

ISmellBabies · 03/01/2019 21:20

Maybe suggest they come to the optional meal afterwards instead of giving a gift? As long as it's clear in the invitation what the situation is, people can make up their own mind. But make sure it can't be misinterpreted or missed on the invitations otherwise there could be an awkward time paying at the restaurant.

Yabbers · 03/01/2019 21:21

I'd be embarrassed for you, sorry.

Because having no money is something to be embarrassed about?

Or is it only those with money who deserve a family get together on the most special day of their life?

Gigglebrain · 03/01/2019 21:21

Someon I know had hampers in each table, with samosas, bread, cheese, fruit, pork pies etc, then everyone bought a dessert. It was in a village hall which the bride decorated herself. A friend made a cake. It was really lovely.

Original poster
Whereisthecoffee · 03/01/2019 21:21

Thanks , I think it’s more family pressure tbh not from my side as such. Where Dp is from its very unusual to not have a party.
I think registry office , and gift bags with homemade little desserts to thank people for attending will be the way forward. Family member is professionally trained when it comes to desserts so they won’t be naff

OP posts:
brownmouse · 03/01/2019 21:21

Church halls are the answer. Around £10 per hour here including use of kitchen. Enjoy your day! Xxx

rabbitfoodadvocate · 03/01/2019 21:21

I think it's fine too. If people are only willing to attend on the promise of a feed, they probably rent the people you need there.

Being invited to share one of the most special moments in your life is reward enough. I'm sure most people will be happy to pay for a bit of dinner.

recently · 03/01/2019 21:21

I think a wedding is the one time that you really can't do this. People are going to want to buy you presents anyway (and you could ask for money/vouchers) so really you need to provide food, even if this is just a simple afternoon tea.

recently · 03/01/2019 21:22

(Posted too soon). If you really can't afford it, don't invite people to a wedding! Get married on your own and go out for a meal on a separate occasion.

Yearinyearout · 03/01/2019 21:23

Have you considered a village hall type of venue and hiring a mobile bar? You won’t have any restrictions on doing your buffet then.

Rudgie47 · 03/01/2019 21:23

If you expect guests to pay for their own meal then you cant expect a gift from any of them.
If I was in your position I'd just go off and get married yourselves, no guests and have a party at home later on at some point. That's cheap enough.

Cheby · 03/01/2019 21:24

I think your plan sounds fine. I’d be perfectly happy paying for my own meal in these circumstances, because I’d want to celebrate with my friends or family who were getting married.

I think posters who are being negative are thinking of people who have lavish weddings, big honeymoons, who then ask guests for a contribution. That’s not on at all. But if you’re doing everything at the bare minimum it’s different, it’s not like you can choose to not pay for the registry office so you can fund a sit down meal.

Keep looking for community hall type places, though, because I think an evening party would be more fun. I’ve been to two weddings like this, one amazing summer one at a village hall with a hog roast, and one at a community hall. Both were fantastic weddings, and both venues looked beautiful once decorated.

pilates · 03/01/2019 21:24

Fingers crossed you can get a village hall/community centre and get your parents to help out with the buffet. A much better option imo than asking people to pay.

Jodidum · 03/01/2019 21:24

My chum had possibly theee best wedding I've ever been to and it was an evening reception type thing (they got married at the registry) at a local community hall. They did it as a bring your own food, bring your own drink and had an ipod hooked upto the speakers. Had such a great night, everyone just helped themselves to the food and shared drinks and had a good ol' boogie! It was their wedding, their way!
Woke up in my livingroom at 8am the next day, fully clothed and missing a shoe!! Cracking night! :-)

OyOy · 03/01/2019 21:25

the problem is a lot of caught on and now offer their own packages

function rooms not wanting us to bring food that’s stunted things really

It's how a lot of these places keep the wolf from the door.

I think the actual problem is you want a wedding and a house but can only pay for one.

You can afford to get married and keep your house deposit though.

I think the reasonable thing to do it get married in low key low stress way at the register office with nearest and dearest and then have a wedding/ celebration when you can afford it.