To think my husband is being unfair about my charity work

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We used the services of a charity a couple of years ago and I now volunteer for them. It’s a specialised and skilled role which I find interesting and challenging. And of course it helps other people.

However, my husband believes it is no different to a hobby and then takes exception to it impacting on the things he sees as my role. He works full time, I am a SAHM and am unable to do paid work due to a disability. This voluntary work helps keep me sane and makes me feel useful once more. I have no other hobbies.

AIBU to think that he’s BU by treating it as the same as any other hobby when actually it’s so importnant to me AND benefits other people’s lives? Most of my work is done during the day when the children are at school or in the evening when they’re in bed. He sees this as using my “free time” which means I actually don’t get much down time at all. AIBU or is he?

Does he know that you consider it a job?

Posted too soon.

If he thinks you see it as "something you do to keep you busy" then he'll probably also see it that way.

That’s a good question. I don’t do it cos it’s a laugh or anything, some of it is gruelling but it gives me purpose.

Well, the question might be if you’re able to do a voluntary role, why not a paid one?

I know that’s harsh but that’s the question in my mind.

I can’t because I have an insurance policy which pays out if I’m unable to do my actual paid job, so strictly speaking, im employed and bring home a salary anyway. But I’m too ill to do my old job and this keeps my brain going even if my body isn’t much good.

If it's a specialised and skilled role, could it not lead forward into the future as a career that you could make something from that will fit with your disabilities?

What does he mean by 'impacting your role as a SAHM'?

I assume that you do most of the house/ child stuff if he's working full time. The only legitimate thing I can think of to irritate him about this would be if you're spending so much time volunteering that he needs to spend an unfair amount of time on house stuff. But that seems unlikely!

Depends on what sort of work it is I suppose, but I think if it’s helping others and specialised , and keeps you sane and connected to ‘working’, I guess it is unfair of him to behave this way.

He has to work to pay the bills so I think it is a different pressure.

Your work is worth while and important for many reasons, but to some people their hobby is also worthwhile/important. You choose to do it, which is generous of you, but it is time you could have to yourself if you wanted.

I dont understand how you can’t do paid work becasie of a disability ? Or do you mean you can’t work because of a disability ? Or that if you do paid work you lose disability benefits ?

I think he is BU if you enjoy it and it gives you purpose, but maybe he feels if you can do voluntary work, you could do paid work to bring in money for the family pot ? Unless of course it is something that can only be done voluntarily ?

Alpacalypse sadly no, not at the level that I’d need for it to be worth my while not claiming on the permanent heath insurance.

LL83 “You choose to do it, which is generous of you, but it is time you could have to yourself if you wanted.”

That’s his argument, and also that it should come second to what he sees as my duties.

It's unquestionably a hobby to me, but of course hobbies are really important, and it doesn't demean the importance to you of doing it to call it a hobby. Just like someone who does more than they absolutely need to in a job for all sorts of fulfilling reasons doesn't give them a free pass to ignore their duties to the family or have the rest of the family pick up the slack, neither does your hobby.

So it's really about what sort of "duties" you're talking about, if it means your children never see you, and your DP brings in all the money and has no free time as he looks after them the rest of the time, then that's not a great thing, but it doesn't sound anything like that, so you should crack on and enjoy your hobby.

YABU.

Paid employment is different because it benefits the family as a whole. Voluntary work doesn't. It is done for your own gratification.

That's not to say that it is not worthwhile and it seems reasonable to do it given you don't have any other hobbies but I think family responsibilities come first and then if there is any time left, you can be charitable.

It wouldn't wash with me if HB didn't do his share of house work because he was too busy volunteering. Volunteer less.

You say your disability prevents you doing your normal work due to this disability but you're covered by an insurance so you have an income.

Your charity work keeps you focused and gives you a purpose. I see that as a positive. What is it that your dh objects to about this? Do you spend more time on your charity work than you would on your paid employment? Does he feel you should be doing more round the house? Does it impact on

Of course it's a hobby.
It's hardly reasonable to suggest that one unpaid activity that gives someone purpose is more important than any other unpaid activity that some people claim to give them purpose. So yes it should count towards your free time.

A lot of people do voluntary work because they can basicly call in sick or take a break whenever their disability is affecting them badly such as pain, immobility, mental health issues becoming worse etc
I got asked loads of times why I could not work but do voluntary work. Even been told if I could voluntary work I should be working.

Unfortunetly at the time I could not find an employer that was willing for me to take more then average time off because of my seizures or have to have a break after a seizure whilst a work. If I had not done hat voluntary work I would have felt useless.

Also it meant that when my seizure got a lot more under control I could demonstrate to an employer that even if I had not done paid work I had done voluntary which went in my favour.

I still do my SAHM stuff, and of course I’m still bringing in a proportion of my previous salary too. I suppose the disconnect is where I need a break after a particularly tricky day and then he says “it’s your choice, you did this in your free time.” And I suppose he’s right. But by the same token, I could spend my days sat on the sofa scratching myself too. Hmm.

Being a hobby or a job isn't the issue. It's important to you either way and he should help you to fit it in helping out with other chores if needed.

How many hours a week do you volunteer do you think?

Wigwambam10 I hear you.

YANBU. You are still bringing in an income, as you would if you were working.

It varies I suppose but probably about 2-3 hours most days. I do it from home.

It is making me really mad those saying that voluntary work is like a hobby. My voluntary work meant I could show to an employer that dispite my disability affecting me badly at the time I was still doing work (even unpaid). It was also voluntary work in the area that I was trained for so I was able to access certain courses/training and keep up to date with good practice etc.

My employer now said it was one of the reasons she employed me.

**YABU.

Paid employment is different because it benefits the family as a whole. Voluntary work doesn't. It is done for your own gratification.**

^This. I agree with your husband