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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is being unfair about my charity work

458 replies

Springfresh · 02/01/2019 22:10

We used the services of a charity a couple of years ago and I now volunteer for them. It’s a specialised and skilled role which I find interesting and challenging. And of course it helps other people.

However, my husband believes it is no different to a hobby and then takes exception to it impacting on the things he sees as my role. He works full time, I am a SAHM and am unable to do paid work due to a disability. This voluntary work helps keep me sane and makes me feel useful once more. I have no other hobbies.

AIBU to think that he’s BU by treating it as the same as any other hobby when actually it’s so importnant to me AND benefits other people’s lives? Most of my work is done during the day when the children are at school or in the evening when they’re in bed. He sees this as using my “free time” which means I actually don’t get much down time at all. AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
pallisers · 03/01/2019 00:28

Yabu and you are taking the piss to expect your husband to sacrifice his free time for your volunteer work.

Your idea of a marriage is that one person expecting another to mind his kids for a bit on an occasional evening so she can do something important to her is "taking the piss". You should have married the OP's husband. you are a match made in heaven.

God fucking forbid a man would sacrifice anything and especially his "free time". Oh gosh, hang on a second? Where is the OP's "free time"? They are both contributing financially and she also does all the SAHM stuff so just why is it ok for her to mind the kids in the evening but he is "sacrificing his free time" when he does it. what could be the difference??? A penis perhaps?

TedAndLola · 03/01/2019 02:11

There's still no clarity on what your husband is actually complaining about. People on your "side" are imagining that he does what he wants, when he wants, and get irritated when he comes home and isn't presented with the von Trapps and a home-cooked meal ready on the table. People on your husband's "side" are imagining he comes home several days a week to a pig sty and then has to watch the children, cook dinner, and do bedtime all while you sit on the sofa and say you're exhausted from voluntary work.

You're being very coy about the actual situation which does make me lean towards one side being closer to the truth...

SenecaFalls · 03/01/2019 02:36

God fucking forbid a man would sacrifice anything and especially his "free time". Oh gosh, hang on a second? Where is the OP's "free time"? They are both contributing financially and she also does all the SAHM stuff so just why is it ok for her to mind the kids in the evening but he is "sacrificing his free time" when he does it. what could be the difference??? A penis perhaps?

This, with bells on.

Also please those of you who are calling volunteer work a hobby, stop that please. Much of it is hard work and, and while satisfying, can often be not all that pleasant and fun in the actual doing of it. Many non-profits could not function without volunteers or at least they would not be able to serve the number of people they do. Volunteers started refuges and sexual assault centers, for example, and keep many of them going to this day. It's not the same as golfing.

SummerGems · 03/01/2019 02:36

Yabu and you are taking the piss to expect your husband to sacrifice his free time for your volunteer work. presumably he never goes out to the pub with friends then? Has no hobbies? Straight to work and straight home again with no deviation ever? Yeah right.

USn00zey0ul00ze · 03/01/2019 02:49

I think that it is sad that he doesn't support your decision. I wonder if you were able to go the gym every day, would he have supported you ? If you were an artist / painter, would he support you ? Is it the content/subject that he doesn't support or you that he doesn't support ? Personally, if it something that you enjoy, then I would continue. How many complaints do you read on MN about males that have hobbies like sports, gamiñg etc

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 03/01/2019 02:50

I think you’re being a little unreasonable.

Racecardriver · 03/01/2019 02:54

If you are bringing home an income too then (assuming that it is a similar sum to your DHs) then you are on equal footing and your domestic duties should be fairly shared.

kateandme · 03/01/2019 03:26

having a disability or being injured and not able to work is fucking awful.im shocked at how many people are being so thoughtless.alsmost thinking haven't something so bad ur unable to function is suddenly like a "wahooo" moment and lifes easier.
to not be albe to work or live like other people is extremely hard.not everyone on disability see it as a get out to lounge on the sofea watching this morning.it stops them living how others live and most would give anything to go out and work.to have a social life and do all the things lots of people take for granted.
it can impact friendships.walking through town for lunch,getting the shopping in.your mental and emotional healthy.simply brushing your teeth or reading the newspaper.to be on the outside and not able to join in as others do can feel really bloody hopeless.

Purpleartichoke · 03/01/2019 04:05

I think it depends on how it is impacting your family.

I was considering volunteering at an organization that helps abused children. It is conveniently located, the hours worked for the whole family, and i have could do the particular job. My DH asked me to reconsider because he knew it would
Tax me emotionally to the point that the rest of the family would feel the impact. After further reflection I realized he had a really good point and I decided not to do that particular volunteer work.

SusieQ5604 · 03/01/2019 04:29

He just sounds like a jerk who is jealous that you don't "have to" work.

ilovesooty · 03/01/2019 04:30

He has an active social life and you do not spend time on other hobbies. You are bringing in an income through insurance.
You have sustained a life changing illness or accident rendering your previous employment impossible. You volunteer which gives you purpose and enables you to contribute to wider society while doing the majority of the work running the household (2=3 hours a day on average volunteering, during the day when the children are at school and sometimes in the evening). Presumably you look after the children when he goes out socially.

He should be supportive and proud of you, not seek to undermine you.

Butteredghost · 03/01/2019 05:18

Oh dear this a tough one. While the volunteering sounds great and I certainly think you should continue, personally I do think volunteering is a hobby. Although I see your point that you are bringing in an income. If you imagine that you didn't get insurance, but got the same amount paid for working at the charity, then would your husband feel differently? And if so why, as it's the same money coming in and hours out of the house.

I think it comes down to what his exact complaints are. You need one afternoon a week where you get home late/don't cook dinner/have to relax and he has to take charge of the kids that evening. Perfectly reasonable. Or is it taking up so much time the majority of the house work isn't getting done, dinner rarely cooked etc. In that case I suppose he has a point.

fireworksscarethedogs · 03/01/2019 05:40

He sounds like an absolute dick. You're still bringing in an income so he hasn't got a leg to stand on. He doesn't think you 'earn' that income though so he wants to see you pandering to his needs at home as he considers his work and wage The Backbone of The House.
It is threads like this that make me wonder how so many women stay married.

Notacluethisxmas · 03/01/2019 06:00

It's a hobby in my opinion. This volunteering doesn't bring in, income. So it's a hobby.

That doesn't mean it's not fulfilling or good for you.

However, if I was the main earner, then coming home and having to take on full childcare rather than splitting the rest of the night so you could do your hobby or needed to recover from doing your hobby AND this was several nights a week....I would be pissed off.

If you found jogging good for you mental well being, and went jogging every night or sat taking the evening to recover from it, the no one would be siding with you.

If he was coming home and work I g from home very evening or telling you, you need to do all the childcare on an evening so he could recover from a hard day at work, then people would be calling him all sorts.

It really depends on how many evenings this is happening. If it's most evenings then I can see why he is pissed off.

MarshaBradyo · 03/01/2019 06:09

Ok taking the idea of volunteering/ bringing in money or not out of the equation for mo the answer is a compromise

He won’t want to work ft then do ft cc after work so you can have a break after your volunteering work

Equally you do need downtime that is not the volunteering

So he has to do some of it but not all and you too do some of it but not all

MarshaBradyo · 03/01/2019 06:12

I don’t think he’s said your SAHMs role has he? I agree with pp on the vagueness of this

Everyone needs a break and if he does the dc while you work he probably isn’t up for still doing it while you rest, after a full day at work

But as I said he does need to step in so it’s not a free ride at home

I reckon being more specific on time you each get would help

OneStepSideways · 03/01/2019 06:14

It's an occupation but one you do for yourself not to benefit the family, so yes it sounds more like a hobby than a job. You could choose to cut down your hours and it would have no financial impact.

As you've chosen to do this voluntary occupation instead of having free time in the day, yet want your DH to give you the free time in the evenings, I think that's unreasonable, as you've chosen to fill your time with this.

MarshaBradyo · 03/01/2019 06:18

Why don’t you do all of your work while the children are at schoo?

searose · 03/01/2019 06:19

Those who say that volunteering is a hobby are not aware that this country would not function as it does without volunteers. The education system, health service, local authorities and most charities rely on volunteers to function. Many people volunteer in their spare time but for others it is what they devote their time doing. I have always volunteered alongside working or being a SAHM. Now that I am able to access a small pension I have reduced my hours in order to spend more time volunteering. I value what I do volunteering as much as if not more than my paid work. it means I can use my skills for the benefit of the community. Of course the OP does choose to volunteer but in the end we all choose how we spend one of our most valuable assets which is our time. My husband supports me doing what I do as he knows it is important for me but also useful for society as a whole. When he has had time to volunteer I have also been supportive of him. Being in a marriage is supporting each other in our choices. Yes our families come first but contributing to the greater good is also important.

flameycakes · 03/01/2019 06:19

So out of 24 hours a day you shouldn't be allowed out for 2-3 hours, does your husband want you chained to the sink or something x

MarshaBradyo · 03/01/2019 06:20

At school rather

Then you both get down time when they’re in bed

MarshaBradyo · 03/01/2019 06:20

The children are at school all day aren’t they op? That’s loads of free time

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/01/2019 06:21

I have some sympathy - I'm a SAHM too and have been on the school's P&C (PTA equivalent in Australia) since DS1 started school 6 years ago. Became the President of the P&C a couple of years ago, which has entailed spending more time at the school - and then when DS2 started kindergarten this year, I was able to help out in his class with reading etc., something I couldn't do with DS1 because I'd just had DS2. So I've been spending a fair amount of time at the school this last year and DH has got the hump because he feels I should be out working and earning money - although still doing everything for the boys as well, of course.
He views my time at the school as time wasted, because it's voluntary - he thinks they should pay me (hahahaha!) - but he also thinks that a 10-2 job with endless holidays on demand should be easy to find Hmm.

I will work out some kind of paid employment but I'm not in any hurry to do so - got plenty of stuff on at school this year coming as well (voluntary, of course).

The difficulty is getting these husbands (or anyone!) to see the value in volunteer work - there is HUGE value in what volunteers do, in terms of their time and kindness - but these days everything is about money.

I know I'm in a hugely privileged position these days in not having to worry about money, whereas MANY other people do have to worry about it - but because there are fewer and fewer people in my position these days, our input is the more valuable for its relative rarity, I believe.

I know I worry endlessly about having enough people on the P&C to actually keep it going - and it does great fund-raising work for the school, so to lose it would be tragic.

So yes - he's being unfair because he only sees value in anything that involves being paid for it, like my DH - short sighted of him/them.

Notacluethisxmas · 03/01/2019 06:32

The difficulty is getting these husbands (or anyone!) to see the value in volunteer work - there is HUGE value in what volunteers do, in terms of their time and kindness - but these days everything is about money

Total bollocks. I have been the main earner and a wide. Being the only earner us incredibly stressful. If you you don't want to carry the burden alone and your partner refuses to do anything when it's an option, lead to resentment. You also need sometime for yourself.

I have also been a sahm so know how hard it is and how you need sometime for yourself. If that's not all balanced then it leads to problems.

MakeAHouseAHome · 03/01/2019 06:32

YABU. You aren't paid, it isn't a job it is a hobby. That doesn't mean it isn't important but it does mean it doesn't benefit your family and your family should take priority.