To think my husband is being unfair about my charity work

[Springfresh]

We used the services of a charity a couple of years ago and I now volunteer for them. It’s a specialised and skilled role which I find interesting and challenging. And of course it helps other people.

However, my husband believes it is no different to a hobby and then takes exception to it impacting on the things he sees as my role. He works full time, I am a SAHM and am unable to do paid work due to a disability. This voluntary work helps keep me sane and makes me feel useful once more. I have no other hobbies.

AIBU to think that he’s BU by treating it as the same as any other hobby when actually it’s so importnant to me AND benefits other people’s lives? Most of my work is done during the day when the children are at school or in the evening when they’re in bed. He sees this as using my “free time” which means I actually don’t get much down time at all. AIBU or is he?

It's interesting that so many women on this thread are happy to suggest that running a home (aside from the voluntary work issue) is of lower value

Not quite. It’s about the fact that the person at home is around more so can, practically speaking, do more in the house.

When my dh is off work and I’m out of the house, I’d be pretty disappointed if he didn’t do any housework!

It’s hardly patriarchy - it’s just that it is usually a women in the home. The fundamental issue isn’t related to the fact that it’s a woman. It’s the fact it’s a person at home!

OP I have had this thought which may ( or may not) be helpful.

Say, hypothetically, you were both in the fire service and you were injured during work. A charity specially dedicated to injured fire personnel helped you recover mentally and now you work for them

Is it possible that your DH who still works for the 'fire service' or similar finds your voluntary work reminds him uncomfortably about the awful time after the accident, and maybe you are further down the recovery road than him? Therefore it's not the messy house at all that he is reacting to but feelings about past events he has not dealt with?

This is not an excuse re the housework, but maybe an alternative explanation for DHs unreasonable stance re the volunteering. You

Only in your head, firesuit, is work not work when it can't be included in the household accounts! Formthose who were happily throwing about definitions earlier, you will not find that definition of "work" in any dictionary. As for the benefit to the family, the attitude of the insuranc pe company has already demonstrated that - a seriously depressed OP who still does not meet her dh's tidiness standards (and whose own standards have lowered still further as a result of clinical depression and general loss of self-worth) is no good to the family at all!

Isn't it ironic how many mumsnetters argue that SAHMs become boring to their dhs because they do nothing interesting in their lives outside the home and let their brains atrophy, yet in this instance, a SAHM is being told she is not benefiting the family by keeping herself mentally stimulated, setting an example of hard work and contributing to society positively, and being there to do all the housework and cooking and doing the vast majority of the childcare, because she is thenone who is always reliably there. Meanwhile, apparently her dh is put upon because he would like a cleaner house (even though the OP and her children are not unhappy with the status quo), but does not want to put any work into that himself, even though he is not the only person bringing money in, so he can't even throw in that old chestnut as an excuse.

It doesn’t matter who does what

With all the free time and two hours flexible work it makes sense it’s done in school hours

If it can’t be for this one shift then the other person enables that

Cleaning is outsourced to take extra strain off family

It’s not that far from what will happen all the Mnetters are this and that posts are off.

Nakedscientist that’s very sweet but my husband isn’t constructed in such a cerebral/emotional way.

The fact that it’s voluntary work and disability and insurance are also mentioned isn’t that important. It would be the same for paid work.

YANBU

You still bring an income in.
You are not a SAHM by choice but by circumstance.
You are trying to help others and still keep your brain engaged and active.
You do jobs around the house and look after the kids.
He still has a social active life.
He still gets to have his high flying career.
He doesn't have to fully support the family.

Your volunteering makes you tired or needs to be done in the evenings at times. So fucking what? Is spending some time with his kids really such a chore?
His dismissiveness regarding your volunteer work and use of "duties" don't paint a pretty picture.

I am far more on your side then not, but I think my final decision as to whether yabu or not would be based on how often your voluntary work (or the knock on effects from it) impact your DH. If he has to look after the children every evening as soon as he comes in, then perhaps yabu and a better balance could be found. If he only has to step up occasionally and he doesn't like the mess, then perhaps he needs to do more to meet his higher standards, by clearing up the mess himself. And if he wants a cleaner to meet his higher standards, well then, he could pay for one.

And if he wants a cleaner to meet his higher standards, well then, he could pay for one.

Cancel the cheque!

She's since relented, but it was OP who cancelled the cleaner. Unilaterally cancelling a cleaner then expecting a partner to pick up the slack is cheeky fuckery of the highest order.

Unilaterally cancelling a cleaner then expecting a partner to pick up the slack is cheeky fuckery of the highest order.

No, telling your disabled wife that standards are slipping while only doing one wash on Sunday and taking out the bin is cheeky fuckery of the most high.

Plus if OP is paying for the cleaner unilaterally then she has every right to cancel unibloodylatterally

Does she?
So does that follow for the mortgage, bills or food shopping
Who knows how they split their spending

Or in other families if the dh pays he can unilaterally decide to cancel the cleaner and tell the wife to do it, no thanks

Or in other families if the dh pays he can unilaterally decide to cancel the cleaner and tell the wife to do it, no thanks

That would be completely different I'm sure. Mumsnet would find a reason.

The OP has more or less admitted that unilaterally cancelling the cleaner was not fair of her - she swapped herself being adversely affected by being made to feel uncomfortable in her own home due to the presence of a cleaner, with her dh being adversely affected because her cleaning standards were not as high as the cleaner's. She was not the only one affected by the presence of a cleaner. The who should pay idea, though, besides being an alien concept to me as a way for a married couple to run their home, is very loaded - clearly it is not a pre-agreed arrangement that the cleaner the OP doesn't want around at all should be paid for by the OP. Only the dh wants this to be the case and you have to wonder why he wants the OP to pay for it when she hates cleaners. Making it a shared cost would be far more reasonable, because it is a family expense and they are a married couple with a family who both have to make compromises to keep each other healthy and happy.

she swapped herself being adversely affected with her dh being adversely affected|

Seems to be a trend here.

joanmcc - not any more. The loathed cleaner is back and the dh is still expected to help look after his own children occasionally while his dw works or has a short break. So everyone is getting something in return for being adversely affected by something they resent!

When parents state SN it does depend on what it is and to what extreme. They can be exhausting, or not so much. Homework with them can be a challenge. OP has not stated their needs.

When I had a cleaner, we had a deal, she did downstairs, I did upstairs so that I did not feel it was odd having a stranger in the house, we both kept really busy. The result a sparkling house.

Madmum I did. I said that they have issues with executive function and working memory. If it didn’t have an affect on them and the family, I wouldn’t have mentioned it, would I?

The H’s parenting is a separate issue from division of domestic work.

OP presumably has 6 hours child free on most weekdays, which unless her health issue seriously affects her physical abilities/ energy levels should enable her to do most of the necessary domestic work AND some voluntary work. She has not yet stated how many hours a week voluntary work she does.

Apologies spring missed that post. So you are a family with a disabled mother and autistic children. That is a challenge imo. for any Father. I really hope you can get over the averse feeling you have to a stranger cleaning your home.

Keep on with the volunteering (thumbs up)

loopy_ She has not yet stated how many hours a week voluntary work

She has: 2-3 hours per day

He is being very unreasonable.

He basically wants you to be available for more shitwork and/or wifework

Is he your boss? Does he pay you for all the things you to help the household run? No, he does not. So he can stop trying to manage you, and stop treating you like some kind of house servant.

Men like that irritate me so much. Entitled twats.

Oops, didn’t RTFT. Looks like there’s might be more to it...

Still stand by what I said though. Cleaning/cleaners is a different part of the equation. Not sure I want to read through allllll the comments though.

"Entitled male twat. Screw the details, I'm not reading those, he just is, with his entitled penis"

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