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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is being unfair about my charity work

458 replies

Springfresh · 02/01/2019 22:10

We used the services of a charity a couple of years ago and I now volunteer for them. It’s a specialised and skilled role which I find interesting and challenging. And of course it helps other people.

However, my husband believes it is no different to a hobby and then takes exception to it impacting on the things he sees as my role. He works full time, I am a SAHM and am unable to do paid work due to a disability. This voluntary work helps keep me sane and makes me feel useful once more. I have no other hobbies.

AIBU to think that he’s BU by treating it as the same as any other hobby when actually it’s so importnant to me AND benefits other people’s lives? Most of my work is done during the day when the children are at school or in the evening when they’re in bed. He sees this as using my “free time” which means I actually don’t get much down time at all. AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
MadgeMak · 02/01/2019 22:56

Short answer from me. Tell him to jog on. Your time belongs to you, he doesn't get to dictate how you spend it.

AntiHop · 02/01/2019 22:56

Yanbu. It's having a positive impact for you. You deserve that. You're not a robot.

userschmoozer · 02/01/2019 22:56

I'm shocked by how many posters seem to consider a wife's role as merely helping her husband even to her own detriment; and don't see marriage as a partnership.

ViolaLucyofTirol · 02/01/2019 22:57

Are you in the UK? How would you cope financially if the insurance said that they would no longer pay out?

KarmaStar · 02/01/2019 22:58

He is!!
You are doing what you can go keep your mind occupied and at the same time you are helping others.
Can be not see how important this is to you?
Carry on op as you are.Flowers

TatianaLarina · 02/01/2019 22:58

I get the feeling I get from your posts that DH is coming home to a house like a bomb site and unfed children and unwashed clothes.

Where has the OP said anything of the sort? Also he’s not supporting her, she has her own income.

Be great if people could read the thread rather than inventing their own.

Wigwambam10 · 02/01/2019 22:58

I don't buy that you can work essentially F/T for a charity but not in a paid job
I did about 30 hours for a charity when I was off with my disability. But hey if you can name a employer job that would allow time being off all day or even a few days with a seizure about twice a month then go ahead.
And there are another examples- chronic pain or ME were the person may be confined to bed for two or three days everymonth
Ms flare ups
Cluster headaches every month
I also know someone that has severe chest problems who volunteer full time but every three months or so he will need a week off.
It’s not that hard to imagine

Winebottle · 02/01/2019 22:58

But you could say the same about other hobbies, Wigwam.

I am not saying it is not worth doing.

TatianaLarina · 02/01/2019 22:59

I'm shocked by how many posters seem to consider a wife's role as merely helping her husband even to her own detriment; and don't see marriage as a partnership.

Truly bizarre. It’s like stepping into the 50s.

If you get too disabled to work your only role in life can be as a help-meet SAHM.Wtaf?

Saracen · 02/01/2019 23:00

I'm afraid I think YABU.

Your voluntary work is important to you and helps keep you going. I don't say you shouldn't do it. But it is just like many other hobbies in that respect.

Some voluntary roles, like certain typs of education, might benefit the whole family in terms of enhancing your employability, so it might be argued that they enjoy a special status. But you say it is unlikely you will ever return to paid work, so this role doesn't qualify as one you are doing for the benefit of the family.

Does your DP get as much time for his hobbies as you do for your voluntary work?

user139328237 · 02/01/2019 23:00

It's hardly unreasonable for her husband to think its unfair that he goes out to work all day and then has to look after the children all evening so the OP can do her volunteering and the OP still expecting equal free time on top of her volunteering.
The children are school aged so the OP already has 30ish more hours free than her husband but seemingly believes that this isn't enough.

roundaboutthetown · 02/01/2019 23:00

I think volunteering for a charity is a bit more useful to society than playing golf...

TatianaLarina · 02/01/2019 23:01

A hobby is a leisure activity like sport or knitting. What the OP is doing is voluntary work.

Original poster
Springfresh · 02/01/2019 23:01

The children are fed, the house functions. Im not Martha Stuart but then I never was, and I think he thinks that if I wasn’t focussed on the volunteering then I’d have me pinny on, baking bread. And yet he also knows that’s bollocks because he knew me before I was injured.

OP posts:
budgiegirl · 02/01/2019 23:02

However, my husband believes it is no different to a hobby and then takes exception to it impacting on the things he sees as my role

I suppose the question is, how is it impacting on your family? If it’s genuinely only a couple of hours a day, while your DC are at school, then it surely can’t be having too much of an impact?

IrenetheQuaint · 02/01/2019 23:02

Your voluntary work sounds really valuable both for your own mental health and for wider society. You are making the world a slightly better place as a result and that's an amazing thing. Plus 2-3 hours per day from home sounds very doable without letting the children starve and run wild .

Your husband is unreasonable and a bit of a twat.

Wigwambam10 · 02/01/2019 23:02

Are we really comparing voluntary with for a charity to golf

Original poster
Springfresh · 02/01/2019 23:03

Saracen yes he does, he has a very active social life.

OP posts:
Myshinynewname · 02/01/2019 23:03

I was thinking along the same lines as Augusta. If you have school age children you have ample time to volunteer and be a SAHM.
I wouldn’t be happy if I was your partner and was expected to do all the housework and look after the kids after working all day because you were too busy volunteering. You should volunteer, but only to a level that you can cope with in addition to the things you need to do at home, not instead of them. And before I get flamed I don’t mean that you should do everything because you don’t work, but you should do your fair share.

Wigwambam10 · 02/01/2019 23:03

Sorry work. It’s like I have lost all my spelling and grammar skills tonight sorry all

TatianaLarina · 02/01/2019 23:04

It's hardly unreasonable for her husband to think its unfair that he goes out to work all day

It’s hardly unreasonable for a wife to think it unfair that just because she has had the misfortune to become disabled she is not thus condemned to tspend the rest of life caring for her family and lounging on the sofa, while her husband has the nourishment of being able to work.

Original poster
Springfresh · 02/01/2019 23:04

Irenethequaint “unreasonable and a bit of a twat.”

Word.For.Word.Grin

OP posts:
quizqueen · 02/01/2019 23:05

You say you do up to 3 hours daily of voluntary work. I don't understand why an insurance policy would pay out to someone who can still cope with that amount of voluntary work and then claim they can't do paid work. You could do paid work from home too e.g. book-keeping.

Wigwambam10 · 02/01/2019 23:05

It's hardly unreasonable for her husband to think its unfair that he goes out to work all day
I am sure the op thinks the fact she has a disability is pretty unfair also. I am sure the husband would rather be working then in her shoes given he choice

ILoveChristmasLights · 02/01/2019 23:06

I have splinters.

I can see his POV in that the kids have been at school and he’s been at work, but you now want him to keep the kids out the way while you do this unpaid work in the evening.

However, I suppose it depends how often that happens.

I can see why you want to do it, but can’t you do it when they’re at work/school?