To think my husband is being unfair about my charity work

[Springfresh]

We used the services of a charity a couple of years ago and I now volunteer for them. It’s a specialised and skilled role which I find interesting and challenging. And of course it helps other people.

However, my husband believes it is no different to a hobby and then takes exception to it impacting on the things he sees as my role. He works full time, I am a SAHM and am unable to do paid work due to a disability. This voluntary work helps keep me sane and makes me feel useful once more. I have no other hobbies.

AIBU to think that he’s BU by treating it as the same as any other hobby when actually it’s so importnant to me AND benefits other people’s lives? Most of my work is done during the day when the children are at school or in the evening when they’re in bed. He sees this as using my “free time” which means I actually don’t get much down time at all. AIBU or is he?

The implication is that he sees your role as in the home. He wants you at his beck and call not gaining fulfilment and satisfaction outside of it.

What normal decent human being would begrudge a disabled person some personal enrichment?

But I’m bringing in the money anyway or doesn’t that count?

How would he be acting if you spent the same amount of time doing paid work, though? Is the issue that he wants you as a domestic servant and doesn't like you having any concerns that are not related to his wishes, comfort and wellbeing, or would he prefer you to do a paid job?
Also, and you might not want to discuss this on MN, but could it be concern about whether your benefits might be cut or you might be found fit for work if you are able to do this voluntary stuff? I appreciate that a charity might be more accepting of the fact that your health sometimes stops you being able to come to work than a wage-paying employer would.

I suppose you need to ask him why he chooses to do his current job, a long list...

Cross out bringing in an income and tell him that's why you do the volunteer role!

Paid employment is different because it benefits the family as a whole. Voluntary work doesn't. It is done for your own gratification.

Wtf? As if only money is of benefit. Anything that enriches the OP’s life and makes her happier and fulfilled benefits the whole family as well as the people she’s working for.

If I spent the same time doing paid work (which I can’t but assuming I’d never had an accident and was still in my old job) we would have to have a team of people around to do the stuff I do - childcare, cleaning etc. His life/job/responsibilities would be largely unchanged.

@wig
It's totally ridiculous to expect equal free time on top of voluntary work as voluntary work only gives personal benefits and no benefits to the rest of the family.

But I’m bringing in the money anyway or doesn’t that count?

Of course it counts OP.

I generally advise people who post relationship issues on AIBU to repost on Relationships - as you will get much more intelligent, understanding replies.

Paid employment is different because it benefits the family as a whole. Voluntary work doesn't. It is done for your own gratification.

Yep my voluntary work while not being to do paid work with a disability that was a big factor in getting the well paid job I have now has not benefited my family at all

Maybe I should tell my brother who has cut down his hours and doing volunteering in a school so he can get experience to be a teacher while supported by his wife is wasting his time and its “only a hobby”

SGB, no, I will never be fit for work. I have regular examinations and interviews and my insurer would love nothing better than to get me off their books but it’s not going to happen.

Oh I did 20 hours a week volunteering for ten years. Your hours do not sound so much really. A friend volunteers for three charities, now she is a busy bee. Her OH supports her.

You haven't really said how this role impacts the family as a whole. I think that's the crux of the matter.

Whether it should be regarded the same as a hobby isn't really relevant, nor is the fact that you have an income from your phi.

If someone is doing a paid job, a voluntary job or a hobby which takes them away from the family or puts family members under pressure, with no consultation, then that's an issue and needs addressing.

@wig
The vast majority of people do not gain paid work from voluntary experience. Especially those who don't want to ever do paid work in the future.
Golf brings happiness to many people so the argument that anything that helps happiness helps the family is rather tenuous and would apply to any hobby in any case.

"I am a SAHM and am unable to do paid work due to a disability"

I don't buy that you can work essentially F/T for a charity but not in a paid job. Nor do I buy that an insurance policy allows you to work 8 hours a day unpaid in a charity shop but not one second in paid employment.

You seem to suggest you could sit at home "on the sofa scratching myself" - you have a legalistic vision of things while your husband is a pragmatist.

It’s a tough one, and I can see your point of view , but I think I would also consider it to be a hobby. And I say that as someone who does voluntary work. The charity I volunteer for always says that the volunteers homelife must come first.

I guess it depends how much time your voluntary work is taking up, and how much extra work your DH having to do due to your voluntary work. If you’re doing a few hours a week, fair enough, but if it’s more like a full time job then I can see his point

YANBU - a lot of research indicates that where there's a disability or chronic illness it's remarkably helpful to have a focus for your mind.

For people with fluctuating conditions It's particularly good if the work is something that can be done flexibly over a day rather than demanding particular periods (something that might not suit many employers).

It benefits the whole family of the op feels better about herself. If it gives her a sense of purpose it is worth its weight in gold.

I know so many people that volunteer to give them a chance to feel they are doing something with their lives. I know people who are rolling in money doing it because they want to help others or do something that takes them away from home life for a bit.

There is a reason why so many depressed people can benefit from volunteer work as it’s getting out their and doing something without the pressure of it being a paid job.

As I said if it benefits to OPs mental health or Self esteem in any way it does benefit her family

Titchy I suppose it’s when I need his support to be able to do it, like keeping the kids from disturbing me if I’m working an evening. Or a bit of down time in the evening when I’ve been at it all day.

Voluntary work is not a hobby - it isn't just done for personal pleasure. If you are no longer able to do paid work, I think you are quite right to do this if it gives you the same sense of purpose and usefulness that someone in paid employment takes for granted. You know you are being helpful to others. Why is he so keen to take any role in wider society away from you? Does he not see how limiting that is?

Agreed Wigwam

Golf makes people feel better about themselves, and gives some a sense of purpose, does that mean golf shouldn't be regarded as a hobby?
(replace golf with just about any other interest and the sentence still makes just as much sense)

I think YABVVVU.. You’re a SAHM with school aged children so you have lots of free time.

then takes exception to it impacting on the things he sees as my role.

That’s kinda deliberately vague. I get the feeling I get from your posts that DH is coming home to a house like a bomb site and unfed children and unwashed clothes. Whether you like it or not as a SAHM you are part of a team. Really it’s a trade off where one of you makes the money and the other supports them to do it, and it doesn’t sound like you’re doing that.

Volunteer work is a choice, not a necessity. Like any other hobby it should be included in your down time.

I would be massively upset if I had SAH partner I was supporting and I got home and found the place in a mess everyday.

You really need to sort your time management out. If your kids are at school every day I can’t see why you shouldn’t have time to do the voluntary work and do your other household work too.

So you're in receipt of insurance money that you would lose if you went back to paid employment? But you cannot and will never go back to paid employment because of your injury?

And the volunteering work you do keeps yo sane and gives your purpose and protects your mental health?

If I'm reading the above correctly your DH is an arse and I'd start questioning what you get out of the relationship

Adropofreality

• it’s not full time
• it’s from home
• it’s not in a shop
• it is nothing like my previous role
• my insurance pays if I am unable to do the job I was employed to do. So for the purposes of this thread, imagine I was a pilot, and then I lost an eye.

don't buy that you can work essentially F/T for a charity but not in a paid job

Since when was 2-3 hours a day FT?