To think my husband is being unfair about my charity work

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We used the services of a charity a couple of years ago and I now volunteer for them. It’s a specialised and skilled role which I find interesting and challenging. And of course it helps other people.

However, my husband believes it is no different to a hobby and then takes exception to it impacting on the things he sees as my role. He works full time, I am a SAHM and am unable to do paid work due to a disability. This voluntary work helps keep me sane and makes me feel useful once more. I have no other hobbies.

AIBU to think that he’s BU by treating it as the same as any other hobby when actually it’s so importnant to me AND benefits other people’s lives? Most of my work is done during the day when the children are at school or in the evening when they’re in bed. He sees this as using my “free time” which means I actually don’t get much down time at all. AIBU or is he?

I’m with you OP. I had a period of being unwell and had to do something in order to have some sort of structure in my life. 2-3 hours of volunteering is not a bad thing, and it is beneficial to the whole family if it is beneficial to you. Would he rather you spiral into depression because you can’t work and he won’t “let” you volunteer?

How involved is he with his own children if he sees spending time with them as an unreasonably massive favour to you?

To be honest even if you were much both older, both retired he would probably moan about the amount of time grand children took up.

I'm quite confused about the work thing. So the policy doesn't allow you to receive any money from work?

Userschmoozer he adores the children and is very connected with them but also sees them as a huge burden, which tbh they are in a lot of ways. But hey, that’s how life goes.

Huggybear I am strictly speaking, still employed. The insurer pays my company, then my company pays me.

Tell him to piss off, thank for for your insurance! you still being money in, what’s his problem? He thinks b’cos he’s been in paid work all day and you haven’t he doesn’t have to be a dad or husband when he’s clocked out :/ next joke

I think he’s being a dick for not seeing that this is important to your mental health. And also agree that the disability and insurance situation is supposed to be to compensate you for the fact you can’t be paid at your previous level, not to keep you as a SAHM for his benefit.

On the other hand, I do slightly wonder why you can’t get it done in the school day and instead it ends up impacting on your (and his) evenings, and you haven’t answered this as far I can see Maybe he wonders this too?

If you were paid for doing what you do would he still be complaining?

Lots of PP saying a hobby/volunteering only benefits you and not the whole family. It isn't always like that. I was a scout. If the leaders hadn't given up their time every week and some weekends, I could not have been a scout. Many leaders also have children within scouting. So it can benefit the family if other family members want to join in.

I think that unless it stems from concern that you are draining all your resources in your volunteer work then he is being unreasonable. If you were working in a job which paid what the insurance pays but it was flexible to fit in around the children but sometimes you needed to work in the evening because the children had been on holiday all week so you asked him to put the dc to bed everyone (I hope) would be on your side. I think that the problem comes in the disconnect between the money and the work. I honestly would want to still do my job even if I won millions, dh would drop his like a shot. Your dh maybe can't see the worth and the value you gain from the volunteer work. Maybe in your situation he would just sit on the sofa all day and scratch himself. Maybe he would love to give up his job. I don't think that excuses him, and it shouldn't be a hardship to put his children to bed a couple of times a week, especially if otherwise he would be out socialising/ watching TV/ scratching himself.

Volunteering isn’t always 9-5. Ie counselling via phone/Skype/Samaritans/childline.

You’re still bringing in an income so why shouldn’t you do this? You haven’t given up your job to be a SAHM, he isn’t financially supporting you to be a SAHM, you aren’t doing this instead of working and expecting him to cover you. You’re are too sick to do your pad job, you’re still contributing financially so really your time is your own.

I'd argue that by keeping you fullfilled and involved in society, you are protecting your MH and, therefore, it is benefiting your family.

If your aren't using your brain doing something worthwhile, then you could easily slip into depression which could render you unable to run the household. Trust me, I'm heading that way. My DH is equally unsupporting of my 'hobby' and tolerates it as he doesn't understand how stagnated and on the shelf I feel now the DC are older.

Strewth - another pp was right when they asked why some twats on this thread are actually comparing voluntary work for a charity with playing golf.

The OP has become disabled and can no longer do paid work. She is volunteering for a charity whose services she has necessarily used in the past, so not only is she paying them back with gratitude, she is also able to feel that she is doing something worthwhile with her life, and benefitting others who may need the services of the charity in future.

And people are saying it's a hobby and comparing it with thwacking a little ball with a stick and then having a few drinkies afterwards?

I really admire you, OP. Your work clearly means a lot to you, especially as you're no longer able to undertake paid employment. I have been unable to work for 3 years and can appreciate the need to feel fulfilled. If your voluntary work benefits you overall, then it benefits your family, too. It's sad that your husband doesn't get that.

I know Super but the OP hasn’t said that’s what she’s doing.

That’s why I used the example of my being a pilot and losing an eye. There will be no more flying.

Well Carlos Dardano would disagree with you there.

But as for the topic, perhaps it's the fact that you are doing this activity when he wants to spend family time that is annoying him. I have a rule about no work at night until DS goes to bed, because it's time I should be spending with him. It's probably less about the actual volunteering and more about why it can't be done whilst the children are at school, rather than of an evening.

I think the key issue for me is that you being a SAHP wasn't a choice you and your husband made for your family.

Under usual circumstances where one partner is the breadwinner, I would think that the SAHP's side of that bargain is childcare and (where reasonable with childcare responsibilities) housework/cooking etc. If that were the case I could see why your DH might think his earnings were to support your role in the family, not you pursuing hobbies.

However here there was no implied agreement that your focus should be on the family. It was thrust upon you. I think in those circumstances his "right" to dictate to you how you spend your time is much reduced.

Quite apart from that, I think he is being unsympathetic to the benefits to your mental health and the wider community.

I have a rule about no work at night until DS goes to bed, because it's time I should be spending with him.

To be fair that does also depend on how old your dc is and when they go to sleep. DC was sighted here within the last hour. I had (paid) work which needed to be done. I cooked meal, ate with family, helped with hairbrushing etc but I had 2hrs of work to do and wasn't going to start that at 23.30. I don't think under those circumstances it was unreasonable at 9pm to leave the final chasing up to dh, and likewise if OP needed to do that, even though her work is unpaid she has committed to do it.

I am also with Irenethequaint. Succinct and to the point Irene! and I wonder who has the kids when DH is out doing his social stuff? I agree with a pp that a third person may be able to help him adjust his perspective (give his head a wobble)

I'm stuck on "duties" What on earth does he think are your "duties". You bring in an income. presumably you also take care of the home etc. What the fuck else does he think you should be doing?

If it is a question of you saying "god I'm exhausted today - spent 3 hours trying to figure out the tax implications of x charity changing status" and he says " well it is your choice so I have no sympathy" then he is a plonker.

If it is a question of you saying " Oh I never got to pick up the spare battery because I spent hours today figuring out the tax implications of x charity changing status but I'll get it Friday" and he says "but that was your duty" then he is an asshole plonker.

Yanbu to volunteer your free time. Yabu and you are taking the piss to expect your husband to sacrifice his free time for your volunteer work.

If your DH wants you to be at home with a pinny on instead of doing voluntary work, HIBU.

However, I would and have sacrificed volunteering in order to do family things, in a way that I wouldn't/couldn't sacrifice a paid job. I suppose DH and I have an unspoken hierarchy of "jobs - volunteering - hobbies". For example, when DH was asked to work an evening, I cancelled my volunteering to look after the DC, but when I wanted to do a weekend volunteering event, DH bailed on his friends.

Yes pallisers that's what I wanted to say: what exactly are your 'duties' OP?

I think 'D'H is way to the left of unreasonable, for pity's sake, this is not the 1950s!

You don't have loads of 'free time' anyway, you are disabled and are very wise and brave to do volunteer work alongside looking after your family. Tell him to stop being so selfish.

I'm not clear on why you call yourself a SAHM OP...

you effectively work PT from home, albeit on a voluntary basis, you also have an independent income, albeit via insurance and that leaves you with some "free time" to run your entire household as your 'D'H expects you to now be the little woman? I'm sorry but who TF does he think he is? I assume he's aware that you are disabled? You are a hugely important contributor to your household and family!

It's not called voluntary WORK for nothing... keeping you sane and interested/active goes a frigging long way even when you don't bring in an income so tell him to get to fuck!