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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is being unfair about my charity work

458 replies

Springfresh · 02/01/2019 22:10

We used the services of a charity a couple of years ago and I now volunteer for them. It’s a specialised and skilled role which I find interesting and challenging. And of course it helps other people.

However, my husband believes it is no different to a hobby and then takes exception to it impacting on the things he sees as my role. He works full time, I am a SAHM and am unable to do paid work due to a disability. This voluntary work helps keep me sane and makes me feel useful once more. I have no other hobbies.

AIBU to think that he’s BU by treating it as the same as any other hobby when actually it’s so importnant to me AND benefits other people’s lives? Most of my work is done during the day when the children are at school or in the evening when they’re in bed. He sees this as using my “free time” which means I actually don’t get much down time at all. AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Original poster
Springfresh · 02/01/2019 23:07

QuizQueen the insurance is to insure my income at the level and role I was employed to do.

That’s why I used the example of my being a pilot and losing an eye. There will be no more flying.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 02/01/2019 23:07

I think he thinks that if I wasn’t focussed on the volunteering then I’d have me pinny on, baking bread

I thought as much.

It seems like he’s taking advantage of your disability to engineer the SAHW he’s always secretly wanted, while rubbishing any attempt to find something of value outside the home.

Wigwambam10 · 02/01/2019 23:07

The insurence policy will lag because the Op will have been to prove that though she could work from home in a paid role due to her disability no one would employ her because there is no guarantee the work would get done if the op is having a bad day, week, month etc.

That’s why the op can’t work because she could not say for sure the work will get done

user139328237 · 02/01/2019 23:08

@tatiana
But equally it's hardly unreasonable to suggest the partner who suddenly has plenty of extra free time should take on the majority of the additional work caused by the loss of cleaners etc following a reduction in income. No-one is saying that the OP shouldn't volunteer but rather that she has no right to do so at whatever times she fancies and that it should be entirely possible to fit a reasonable amount of volunteering into hours that have minimal if any effect on her husband.

TatianaLarina · 02/01/2019 23:08

I’m with Irene

madmum5811 · 02/01/2019 23:09

I can see why volunteering is an alternative to paid employment. If you are not up to it sometimes, no pressure, you are not letting an employer down.

roundaboutthetown · 02/01/2019 23:09

And doing voluntary work does benefit the whole family - hopefully the OP's children will now grow up to be a less self-centred than their father, who can't get his little head around the idea that a hobby and voluntary work are two different things.

Original poster
Springfresh · 02/01/2019 23:11
Grin I do love a properly split thread although it’s dismaying how my husband might not be quite as unreasonable as I had perceived.
OP posts:
jessstan2 · 02/01/2019 23:11

I think your husband's attitude is unreasonable but maybe he really doesn't understand how important your charity work is, not just to the charity but to your general wellbeing. Perhaps a gentle but serious conversation would make things clearer to him. Also input from someone else whom you both know and like would help.

My opinion - you're doing a great job so don't stop doing it.

NiteFlights · 02/01/2019 23:11

YANBU and I can’t believe anyone (who has actually read the info you’ve given) thinks otherwise.

I’m sorry your DH isn’t more supportive. I think you need to sit down with him and discuss how your disability and loss of work has affected you and how your voluntary work fills some of that gap. I know I found the loss of my career due to a health problem really hard to deal with. I had a similar insurance policy (now come to an end) and the stress of that was also quite difficult. It’s a hard situation to be in but I think it’s vital you stick to your guns here and don’t allow yourself to be browbeaten.

I agree with PP that if you put this on Relationships you’ll get more nuanced and helpful replies.

OneOrgasmicBirthPlease · 02/01/2019 23:12

Correct me if I’m wrong but the way I am reading this thread, you suffered a life changing accident, which left you unable to do your professional, well-paid job. Your income now comes from an insurance policy you have taken out.

Family life has changed, inasmuch as you are now essentially a SAHM and your H is still in paid work.

You volunteer, which keeps you busy, helps other people and uses some of your skills. It doesn’t greatly impact on your husband’s ability to do his job, but sometimes impinges on his leisure/family time. Is that correct?

If the situation is indeed more or less how I described, is he having a complete sympathy by-pass? The fact that you are home is the result of a life changing accident, not a gift to him so that he doesn’t have to do any parenting or housework. Even though you are now disabled, you still have every right to find fulfilment. Why isn’t he helping you do that? His convienience does not take precedence over your desire to feel useful and spend your time as you wish.

I think you’re amazing for wanting to give to others in a situation which would have lots of people wallow in self-pity. He should be proud of you.

Original poster
Springfresh · 02/01/2019 23:13

Thankyou, oneorgasmicbirth

OP posts:
Squidgee · 02/01/2019 23:13

how does he see it as impacting on your role though?

If you're putting too much of yourself into your volunteering so that you have no time to yourself and are making yourself tired, which then impacts on your role as SAHM.. then he has a point.

If he's just complaining because he doesn't understand why you want to do it, then he's being a tit.

Holidayshopping · 02/01/2019 23:14

What voluntary work are you doing from home? Does your insurance policy know you’re doing this?

If you doing this volunteering means you’re so tired that he has to take the kids away from you when he gets home from work to give you a break, perhaps you shouldn’t be doing it?

Wigwambam10 · 02/01/2019 23:14

That’s it madmum
When I was employed in my last job I was ringing in at least once a month. My employer was getting mad and arsey each time I rang and I felt I was letting everyone down which meant I felt under more stress which led to more seizures and me calling in more often. (I could see the employers side also)
Due to this I had a breakdown and was finally let go on capibility grounds.

Volunteering means you cab still feel you are contributing to something but there is no pressure

TatianaLarina · 02/01/2019 23:14

But equally it's hardly unreasonable to suggest the partner who suddenly has plenty of extra free time should take on the majority of the additional work caused by the loss of cleaners etc following a reduction in income.

So OP is disabled for life and her penance is not only not to be able to work, but to forced to do all the housework she and her husband both used to pay for??? That she can still presumably pay to have done because she still has an income. And that she would no doubt find hard to do due to disability.

Of course that’s U. If I were disabled tomorrow there’s no way I’m doing any fucking cleaning. I don’t do any now.

I would do exactly what the OP is doing. But I don’t think my husband would be such an arsehole about it.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/01/2019 23:16

The vast majority of people do not gain paid work from voluntary experience.

I know this isn't strictly relevant to the OP, but I just wanted to question the above statement. In my own immediate neighbourhood, I know 3 people, including myself, whose volunteering led to paid work (and we're not talking minimum wage).

I'm not saying it happens for everyone, but it can be a great networking opportunity and if you're willing to take on some bigger projects (working with local government, organising events, design, editing, etc.), it can really boost your CV.

I think volunteering is valuable for society as whole, OP, and unless it's negatively impacting your family, go for it.

TatianaLarina · 02/01/2019 23:16

think your husband's attitude is unreasonable but maybe he really doesn't understand how important your charity work is, not just to the charity but to your general wellbeing.

Nah, he sounds like the kind of bloke who always thought his work was more important than OP’s even if he didn’t say so out loud.

Original poster
Springfresh · 02/01/2019 23:16

Holidayshopping my insurer sent me to a rehabilitation company who expressly recommended volunteering for my mental health. So yes, they know, and also know it’s nothing like what I was able to do before.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 02/01/2019 23:16

He should be proud of you.

^This.

And it's not the same as golf

ThePants999 · 02/01/2019 23:17

I think you both have a bit of a point.

It's important for us all to have something that gives us purpose, direction, mental exercise. People in paid employment have the advantage of checking those boxes at the same time as providing for their family. Because you don't have a way of fulfilling those personal needs at the same time as working for the family's benefit, it's a bit unfair to expect you to do it entirely out of leisure time, thereby making a personal sacrifice that he doesn't have to.

On the other hand, this is something that you do primarily for yourself, as those benefits accrue mainly to you personally rather than the family. It would be equally unfair to him for you to do it all out of time you would otherwise have spent for the benefit of the family, and then to enjoy the same leisure time as him on top.

IMO the right solution is somewhere in between - this should come partly out of your "working day" and partly out of free time.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 02/01/2019 23:17

Oneorgasmic I totally agree.

Original poster
Springfresh · 02/01/2019 23:18

TatianaLariana he thought our jobs were equal when I was in my previous BigJob. Now, he’s still got a career whereas I don’t.

OP posts:
Wigwambam10 · 02/01/2019 23:18

Also you must have had a system in place for the house and children when you both worked. So what’s changed really. You are still bringing money in but doing voluntary work.

Sounds like he thinks your situation now should mean more down time for him. And also you only doing 2 or 3 hours a day must mean he is getting more down time

TatianaLarina · 02/01/2019 23:18

If the situation is indeed more or less how I described, is he having a complete sympathy by-pass? The fact that you are home is the result of a life changing accident, not a gift to him so that he doesn’t have to do any parenting or housework. Even though you are now disabled, you still have every right to find fulfilment. Why isn’t he helping you do that? His convienience does not take precedence over your desire to feel useful and spend your time as you wish.

I think you’re amazing for wanting to give to others in a situation which would have lots of people wallow in self-pity. He should be proud of you.

This.