DW told us her conception date.

[ImUpset]

I'm Male. I'm a member for a long-time as MNHQ will no doubt clarify if asked.

DW has been in my life for over 20 years, DSS is 22 and has been in my life since just before he was 2. DD is 19. Over Christmas (DSS not present as lives many miles away) DW told myself and DD her conception date for D(S)S was her birthday - a non-special date in the year (eg: DDs was my birthday over the Christmas period). Over our lives together this has never come to light, and I'm pretty upset as a result. Her ex was very violent and alcoholic during their relationship, no part of their sons' life since 18 months, and apart from a handful of months when DSS was 14 (during which he sought to split us up, acknowledged by social worker who ended contact after school expressed concerns) no contact.

DSS has been raised as my DS, and seen me as such from incredibly young age both in wordage and behaviour, mirroring his sisters' behaviour. Should note he was never encouraged in any way to do so.

So, am I being unreasonable in being upset? Or should DW have been more reserved after so long? Not sure how I'm going to, or supposed to, feel when her birthday rolls around each year.

Maybe she has fond memories of having and conceiving her firstborn that’s none of your business , just because she doesn’t love his father doesn’t mean she shouldn’t think of it as a special time in her life , you can’t take that away from her .

Going against the grain, but I do think it's a bit odd to say out of the blue that her son was conceived on her birthday, especially when the biological dad was an abuser.

That's the point though. We don't know that it was "out of the blue" or what the context was because he hasn't said. Despite being asked several times to clarify.

Think we need more info from OP as to the context around why his wife said it. Have things been difficult between them? Are they having bedroom problems? Did she just she it around the whole family or just to her DSS? (which would be more understandable).

Well exactly.

But as usual, the 'get a grip' and biscuit brigade have run off the OP. Well done.

No. People asked the OP to elaborate. He didn't. So the conversation has evolved independently of him and people have filled in the blanks themselves.

Which would not have happened had he done it when asked.

No. People asked the OP to elaborate. He didn't. So the conversation has evolved independently of him and people have filled in the blanks themselves.

But the 'get a grip' and started within 20 minutes of his last post. That's not 'evolved independently], that's judging before getting the facts.

I wouldn't want to come back to the thread either tbh. Not everyone is robust enough for AIBU.

I think it really depends on the context in which it was raised as to whether it was weird to discuss it.

But the OP's reaction is even weirder.

I’ve read this (three times now) and am struggling to see what the (actual) problem is. Perhaps if you (assuming you are able) would be clearer (if you come back but not if you don’t) you might explain what bothers you. 🙄

Well he certainly seems fragile so it’s unsurprising that he took off when the replies didn’t find in his favour.

“Not sure how I’m going to, or supposed to, feel when her birthday rolls around each year.”

Whatever the context the info was relayed, that is pathetic.

It’s really not a big deal! Why is it bothering you? You obviously knew she had sex to conceive him.

And bollocks is sexual jealousy different for men. What shite. There’s no excuse for possessive, unreasonable jealousy over your partner’s past whether you’ve got a todger or a fanny. If you’re jealous over your partners sexual encounters before she even met you, the problem lies with YOU as an individual.

OP, I remember when my younger DS was conceived as well. Mostly because he had his hand round my throat at the time and had just given me a fat lip. My XH was also an abusive drunk and I also remember each time he raped me, but that one was special.

Maybe, instead of being a jealous child, you might think why she remembers the date her child was conceived so clearly. It's unlikely to be because he was such a delightful shag that evening that she was transported on waves of joy. Grow up.

ImUpset, you asked how you should feel, but you didn't say enough about how you do feel. And that's the first step really. Upset, OK, but there are a lot of different ways you might feel upset. Are you jealous of her ex, angry because she knew the date but hid it for so long, sad about all those birthdays when she might have been secretly reminded about a happy moment or her unhappy past? Have you been convincing yourself for years that every instant of her life with her ex must have been terrible and this raises the possibility that they also had some happy times? All of the above? Or something else?

Once we know that we can be more help. In fact just saying exactly how you feel will probably help. Or putting it into words in your own head. It may help bring back your sense of proportion.

Feelings are not always reasonable but they are nearly always logical. Follow the logic and you can make peace with them.

I'm kind of with OP, OP didn't need to know this info.

However if this knowledge is not too intimate to discuss, than neither is asking "Was it planned?" or announcing "I'm pregnant!" to the world, coz all these items are discussing sexual activity. You can't say one is rude to allude to & others are not.

Hmm I think I understand . It's one thing knowing your partner has a past sex life, but it is different now knowing there is a specific day another man was ballsdeep making a baby in her.

From what you've said I'm guessing you feel like your DSS is more yours than that other man's (and rightly so, you helped raise him). So now you're concerned every year her birthday comes around it's going to remind you of that other man's involvement? He "owns" that day now.

Try thinking about it from your DW's point of view. It was the day SHE conceived HER son. She's not thinking about her violent alcoholic ex in all this which is why she doesn't think anything wrong in talking about it. I doubt it was kept a secret either. It just never came up before. YOU are the one giving her ex power and headspace now. Not her. It really is no big deal. You will get over.

One possibility is that OP has always considered that DW had sex with her exH under duress and it was always awful until OP came along, knight in shining armour and she had been happy and fulfilled ever since. This snippet of information has made him question that and given him the idea that she did have a happy birthday before his arrival and that's what has upset him.

Unfortunately OP, YABU to be upset. DW had a life and marriage (?) before you and it was quite likely to be a mix of ups and downs, happy and unhappy times. Don't be cross that her life was not 100% miserable before you came along.

Children like to know they were wanted and loved and special to their parents... I suspect that's all this was about ... for her, her children were loved from the beginning.

Pull yourself together, OP. I mean that kindly.

As a woman and a mother, I read it that you're upset your wife told DD that DS has a different dad (though him trying to get contact when DS was 14 may have been a big hint?)
What I can't get past is that you see her birthday as "non-special" but your birthday as "special"
Why?

Is it that the date she gave:

Has now revealed she was sleeping with ex after you two got together?
Has revealed that although she wasn’t with ex after you two got together, she might have been with him longer than previously thought?
Has revealed ds’s age might not be what you previously thought?
It’s annoying that she seems to enjoy having sex on her birthday which is something she did with her ex?
That you just felt the revelation before all was a bit crass?

I don't understand why your wife would tell your kids about their conception date (absolute cringe) but neither do I quite grasp why you're so upset about it.

What I can't get past is that you see her birthday as "non-special" but your birthday as "special"
Why?

OP didn't say that, bsc, he clarified that his DW's birthday was specia to him, just that it wasn't on a special date such as Christmas, New Years Day etc.

e clarified that his DW's birthday was specia to him, just that it wasn't on a special date such as Christmas, New Years Day etc.

I still don't understand that. Most people's birthdays are, if anything, more special to them than New Year's Day or Christmas. It's as if it's somehow offensive to remember that conception happened on that day but it would be absolutely fine if she remembered it because it was Christmas.

As a woman and a mother I see it like deepan- my DH's birthday is a v special day for me even if he can't remember when it is.

Get a fucking grip.

If your wife's birthday is a non-special day to your mind, then when is a special day that is significant to you as a family - the 173rd anniversary of the repealing of the Corn Laws?

The thing is that, whatever she did on any day before she was with (or even met) you can't really be taken as a deliberate snub to you on her part; and FWIW if you know that somebody has a natural biological child then you don't need to be Poirot to conclude that they probably have partaken in a certain act at least once in their life.

However, most people at least like to acknowledge their birthdays, and the day of the year on which it falls doesn't tend to change for most people, having been set at an extremely early point in their lives; some things that have happened on past birthdays will have been happy, some sad and some bringing mixed feelings, but none of them can ever be changed retrospectively.

Basically, I really can't understand what you possibly have to be upset about in any way?

My daughter was due on my birthday which meant my mum and dad DTD and conceived on the same day as my DD. Now that's something I don't want to think about

Going back to me, cos it’s all about me.

So if BIL was born in September and DH’s birthday is this week, and the PP claims that he wasn’t conceived on my DH’s First Birthday (which is a pretty significant date), then he must have been conceived over CHRISTMAS. Ugh. Christmas is ruined.

How can anyone be this pathetic?