DW told us her conception date.

[ImUpset]

I'm Male. I'm a member for a long-time as MNHQ will no doubt clarify if asked.

DW has been in my life for over 20 years, DSS is 22 and has been in my life since just before he was 2. DD is 19. Over Christmas (DSS not present as lives many miles away) DW told myself and DD her conception date for D(S)S was her birthday - a non-special date in the year (eg: DDs was my birthday over the Christmas period). Over our lives together this has never come to light, and I'm pretty upset as a result. Her ex was very violent and alcoholic during their relationship, no part of their sons' life since 18 months, and apart from a handful of months when DSS was 14 (during which he sought to split us up, acknowledged by social worker who ended contact after school expressed concerns) no contact.

DSS has been raised as my DS, and seen me as such from incredibly young age both in wordage and behaviour, mirroring his sisters' behaviour. Should note he was never encouraged in any way to do so.

So, am I being unreasonable in being upset? Or should DW have been more reserved after so long? Not sure how I'm going to, or supposed to, feel when her birthday rolls around each year.

I'm hoping op Has gone to apologise to poor DW and brought her a bug bunch of flowers

You do know that it’s highly unlikely it won’t be that EXACT date? It could have been a few days afterwards? Does that make a difference to your thinking?

I don't think many women are overly sensitive about their sexual prowess / performance. I, for instance, am convinced that even if I display sexual abilities of a dead fish, I am still totally unforgettable .

And this is precisely why people cannot generalise about their own or the opposite sex - because my sexual performance is something I think about

We are all different and we all only bring our own perspectives to a situation - none of us can claim to understand a complete stranger any more than anyone else. All we can do is offer our own opinion based on our experience and perspective.

No one perspective is any more valid than anyone else's and no one poster can presume to know several other strangers well enough to know that they would think/feel similarly or differently.

So being A Man is irrelevant.

Being female is pretty much the default and plenty of posters do state they are mothers. I rhink it is quite reasonable for him to say upfront he is a man.

In my experience, posters whose opening gambit is "speaking as a man" usually follow it up with a load of drivel. But I agree, there is nothing inherently unreasonable about disclosing this and may be appropriate to do so in some cases.

The relevant poster's follow up in this case was certainly worthy of comment. However, he declined to elaborate on what was meant so we're left guessing.

Sweet lord!

Your wife had sex on her birthday donkeys years ago.

And. ............. ?

What's the problem?

bit disingenuous there, Stuffing - how is he going to explain it from a man's perspective without declaring he's male?

Well there isn't really anything wrong with stating that he is male if he feels that he is offering a different perspective in the grand scheme of things.

It was his declaration that the root of sexual jealousy is different for men than women and that women wouldn't "get it". His implication there was that whatever the women say in response doesn't really matter because we don't understand anyway.

Given that he doesn't know all men; doesn't know all women and that the OP hasn't actually said what it is he's bothered about in it all, how could he possibly know whether or not we would "get it"?

Ha ha ha ha ha ..... just re read the thread and you and your wife had sex on your birthday and dd was conceived.

Double standards much!

What a load of nonsense this is

I'm lost

Given that he doesn't know all men; doesn't know all women and that the OP hasn't actually said what it is he's bothered about in it all, how could he possibly know whether or not we would "get it"?

Well, the two posters who have declined to elaborate on this thread have both been self-disclosed men.

Given such a small pool, I will draw no conclusions as to male posters' belief that they should not have to clarify, elaborate or defend any points they make, but rather that their remarks should stand as uncontested, evident matters of fact.

Just asked my dp. He's male and mystified.

I have four dcs and he's never once got arsey about how, where or when each of them was conceived. If he did I would take issue with it tbh.

OP YABVU

It's not about you, Op.

Depressingly common in people,( yes, a lot of men and women. )
though, is that you are projecting your own ideas, feelings onto an event that you have always known existed. And then because you're pissed off that she remembers it in a way that somehow is " antiI'm Upset. So by behaving like a twat, by sulking, ignoring, etc etc you're going to make her feel things that are a bit antiMrI'm . For god's sake, can't you see that how you act is going to bring about a reality that started in your head. She is your wife of 20 odd years. Do you love each other? Go out and ask her how thinking about DS,s conception makes her feel.
You tell her how it made you feel. You hug it out and maybe have a bit of new year sex. Careful now, you might need protection.

I'm sure you' re not such a prick who would by their own behaviour cause someone to feel ,a bit shit though, Op are you?

. Just because women are sick of being told " they don't get it" I for one applauded ," Butchy" for typing what a lot of us were thinking.

Given such a small pool, I will draw no conclusions as to male posters' belief that they should not have to clarify, elaborate or defend any points they make, but rather that their remarks should stand as uncontested, evident matters of fact.

Quite..!

Why would she say so now? I think it’s probably just one of those long-almost-forgotten things that gets talked about when your daughter becomes an adult and you start to have woman-to-woman conversations, as well as mother-to-daughter chats?

I guess I can see why you might feel a weird rush of emotion, but you need to acknowledge that it’s not rational and then put it behind you.

You have a lovely family, now almost grown. Forget the dim and distant past and enjoy this phase. You could be a grandpa before you know it.

It was his declaration that the root of sexual jealousy is different for men than women and that women wouldn't "get it". His implication there was that whatever the women say in response doesn't really matter because we don't understand anyway.

Well, I would say both men and women experience sexual and emotional jealousy. It often comes from an instinctive response which the rational bit of us does not like e.g. people will often say "I hate feeling this way" and will mean it but be entirely unable to change it. So I can understand a confusing and powerful emotional response to seemingly innocuous information. I hope all posters can surely relate to that.

I presume that is all that has happened here, I can understand that it might sting if your partner revealed some cursive thing he and his ex did which demonstrated a great emotional or intelctual intimacy. Similarly as a PP pointed out there is the suggestion that it being her birthday they had a nice day together and had sex.

Most of us are able to recognise little twangs or twinges that may arise in such situations and dismiss them or they do not cause us pain, we are able to tell if the information was disclosed in order to cause pain etc and we can rationalise it.

I don't really see why this would be an issue unless you think every birthday she is mooning over this sublime day he son was conceived and it is forever etched on her brain ??

You're over thinking this.

I am mostly place-marking for the OP to come back and explain his upset.

It is such a bizarre post. Your DW’s birthday IS special - or it should be. Plus, DSS has to have been conceived at some point.

The dynamics of abusive relationships are such that you spend an awful lot of time trying to make things better or thinking it is somehow you. Plus, abuse gets worse during and after pregnancy as you are more vulnerable and your attention is divided and centred on the baby. But there must have been some attraction and good things about the relationship in the first place or your wife would not have been with the man.

I don’t get it, OP you were happy enough to have a child conceived on your birthday but not for your wife to have conceived on her birthday, which you have furthermore designated as a non special day (that’s really awful btw).

My take on it is that you’d forgotten she’d ever had sex with the ex to create a child and now you don’t like to be reminded that she was a sexually active women before she met you.
And if the conversation has come round to date of DD’s conception, no your wife doesn’t have to keep her DS’s conception date a secret from you. It’s just part of the conversation and more importantly part of her life.
I feel like you morphed her into a virgin and she’s now admitted she wasn’t! I’m offended on her behalf

I'm also a man and I don't get it at all. Who cares if you know the date or not?

This taking sexual jealousy to a whole new level... especially as the proof of the previous relationship and sex in that relationship is there for the world to see i.e. a child! If she was going on about how it was the best shag of her life or something then that would be insensitive but she's not. I really don't see what's upsetting about this. I can give you the date of both of my kids conception to the minute...

You do realise that your dw could have had sex on any given day, possibly any/every day of the year before she met you. There is nothing special about it. It’s just a part of her history. There is no need to consider it now, especially twenty years later!

It is very odd to suddenly become jealous of a man who was clearly very abusive to your DW and who she has had nothing to do with in twenty years!

You have spent twenty birthdays with your DW and likely had sex with her on many of those birthdays! You have created many memories together good and bad! Yet you are choosing to have issue with one birthday, before you ever met, a birthday in which your DS was created. Your wife has given you two beautiful children who you clearly love. Yes you took your son on as he had a different sperm donor, however you have treated him as your own for twenty years! All you need to remember on her birthday is that your son was created on one of her birthdays. Just as you can remember that your daughter was created on one of your birthdays.

What you and your wife have and have had for the last twenty years makes her past insignificant!

My dh had sexual partners before me, but they are irrelevant as the fifteen years we have been together have blown them into insignificance! There is no reason for jealousy!

I think you need to think through the root of your issue here - I think this specific instance is actually a mask for something else, then you need to ask yourself why that? This is about acceptance of your wife for who she is, why should she not recall the conception date for both your children - why shouldn't she share that if she wants to, For me it shows jealousy and the fact you want to control what she shares or doesn't share limited only to the time you were with her.

It is another level of acceptance required from you of the fact she had a life before you, as did you...

To join the throng - your are being ridiculous and looking for stuff to get upset about and hold over your wife’s head.

That she conceived her son around her birthday over 20 years ago is of no import whatsoever. She can say it if she likes...it’s actually nothing whatsoever to do with you. She doesn’t owe your fragile ego special treatment to the point she has to hide trivial facts from her past to protect it.
Get a grip of yourself, you’re being an absolute wanker.

Going against the grain, but I do think it's a bit odd to say out of the blue that her son was conceived on her birthday, especially when the biological dad was an abuser.

Think we need more info from OP as to the context around why his wife said it. Have things been difficult between them? Are they having bedroom problems? Did she just she it around the whole family or just to her DSS? (which would be more understandable).

But as usual, the 'get a grip' and biscuit brigade have run off the OP. Well done.

Eh ? Do you want her to erase her history before you ? It caused feelings of jealousy in you but swallow them down and don’t make an issue of it or you sound controlling and odd .