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AIBU?

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Original poster

DW told us her conception date.

210 replies

ImUpset · 02/01/2019 06:15

I'm Male. I'm a member for a long-time as MNHQ will no doubt clarify if asked.

DW has been in my life for over 20 years, DSS is 22 and has been in my life since just before he was 2. DD is 19. Over Christmas (DSS not present as lives many miles away) DW told myself and DD her conception date for D(S)S was her birthday - a non-special date in the year (eg: DDs was my birthday over the Christmas period). Over our lives together this has never come to light, and I'm pretty upset as a result. Her ex was very violent and alcoholic during their relationship, no part of their sons' life since 18 months, and apart from a handful of months when DSS was 14 (during which he sought to split us up, acknowledged by social worker who ended contact after school expressed concerns) no contact.

DSS has been raised as my DS, and seen me as such from incredibly young age both in wordage and behaviour, mirroring his sisters' behaviour. Should note he was never encouraged in any way to do so.

So, am I being unreasonable in being upset? Or should DW have been more reserved after so long? Not sure how I'm going to, or supposed to, feel when her birthday rolls around each year.

OP posts:
PattiStanger · 02/01/2019 08:01

Rhubarbbiscuit - that's not right unless your BIL was 2 weeks late, birth isn't 9 months to the day after conception, not had my coffee yet but trying to work that one out.

StuffingSandwich · 02/01/2019 08:03

silvercuckoo It's ok, you don't have to appease the man. He knows quite well what he was doing in posting in the way he did.

Or do you think we're just not being 'nice' enough..?

Juells · 02/01/2019 08:06

Hmmmnnnn I can see why it would niggle. I don't understand why it was shared either, or why the date was remembered so accurately. As a pp said, she might be able to pinpoint it because it was traumatic. That's the most likely explanation - not that she's remembering it fondly, but that the date is burned into her brain.

silvercuckoo · 02/01/2019 08:07

Or do you think we're just not being 'nice' enough..?
No, I found the attacks completely baseless and vile. Some posters just invented a thing to be mortally offended about, nothing of that kind actually was not in the post, and started slinging dirt, including pejoratives. Absolutely nothing was said about silly women, tiny minds whatever etc.

Juells · 02/01/2019 08:09

Gosh, just re-read the OP and realised you know the date of DD's conception as well! Is this a 'thing'? I've known various people who named their children after where they were conceived, but never knew that people would be able to mark the date.

Carol020582 · 02/01/2019 08:09

@ImUpset I'm surprised it hadn't naturally occurred to you before 9 months after your wife's birthday is your stepson's. And really breaking news man and woman have sex on birthday.

If you are upset over this it's your problem and not your wife's.

StoppinBy · 02/01/2019 08:11

If you love your DS then wouldn't you just be happy that he was conceived and not overly concerned about it being on your wife's birthday? Clearly you already know that your wife and her ex did the deed to create him so it's not like that was a surprise.

I think YABU to be upset over this.

Butchyrestingface · 02/01/2019 08:12

No, I found the attacks completely baseless and vile. Some posters just invented a thing to be mortally offended about, nothing of that kind actually was not in the post, and started slinging dirt, including pejoratives. Absolutely nothing was said about silly women, tiny minds whatever etc.

Well, I certainly wasn't offended although my eyes were rolling around my head.

I think I was the first to ask that poster to elaborate, quite politely because I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt in the remote chance that there was some kind of learning opportunity to be had here, an angle I hadn't considered to OP's "out there" issue.

This was particularly the case since OP hasn't returned to the thread again since page 1.

But the PP has decided - predictably - not to elaborate on his rather curious comments. So what can you do? 🤷‍♀

NorthernKnickers · 02/01/2019 08:13

Yeah...the OP isn't coming back 🤷‍♀️

What a ridiculous thing to get upset about...wife has sex with husband on birthday, resulting in child 🤦‍♀️ My mind has been blown today, it really has!

StoppinBy · 02/01/2019 08:14

@juells we know exactly when/where our son was conceived because we were on holidays with my sister and stayed in her sons room in his bed.... with all 3 kids (there was 2 single beds and a porta cot in there) while my sister comfortably slept in her queen bed in her room all by herself lol.

The only 'adult time' we had was in the motel on the way home haha.

brookshelley · 02/01/2019 08:14

Gosh, just re-read the OP and realised you know the date of DD's conception as well! Is this a 'thing'? I've known various people who named their children after where they were conceived, but never knew that people would be able to mark the date.

Unless they only have sex once a month or did IVF, it's just a guess. I know DC1 was conceived in mid-February and I've jokingly commented to DH that it was a Valentine's Day baby, but realistically it happened in a 5-6 day window.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/01/2019 08:15

A simple reading of what you've written reveals that you're determined to make something that is about her and her DS only, all about you.

I'd never even thought of dating it back! is your silliest phrase. Why would you? Why wouldn't she? Quite possibly she didn't even need to 'date back' as she always knew.

Your choosing to give mental attention to that topic has no bearing on its presence or significance in her mind. Suggesting it should - that only things that you deem worthy of attention are so, that only your thoughts, your point of view really counts - is an abnormal way of thinking that implies you don't see other people as real and separate, only as appendages of yourself. You don'y really think like that, do you?

Her birthday as a 'non-special date' and yours as 'special' because it's somewhere near Christmas, is very odd too (though maybe just poorly phrased). Birthdays are special. The 23rd, 27th, 30th December are no more inherently special than the same dates in any other month.

Yes, I can see you might feel a bit queasy about her talking about having had sex with another man, especially a horrible one - but that's not what she was doing. She was talking about the date of conception of her much loved DS - possibly the only good thing to come out of that relationship and time in her life.

You're the one who overlaid the sex thoughts onto what she said.

PurpleDaisies · 02/01/2019 08:15
Hmm
SoupDragon · 02/01/2019 08:17

OP you are weird.

silvercuckoo · 02/01/2019 08:17

I think I was the first to ask that poster to elaborate, quite politely because I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt in the remote chance that there was some kind of learning opportunity to be had here, an angle I hadn't considered to OP's "out there" issue.
I did the same. I do believe though that there are gender-specific sensitivities and reactions - enough to scroll through each thread about "DH just does not understand that..." here on AIBU.
The poster definitely did not deserve to be called a twat and a prick on the basis of a couple of sentences he wrote.

StuffingSandwich · 02/01/2019 08:18

Some posters just invented a thing to be mortally offended about, nothing of that kind actually was not in the post, and started slinging dirt, including pejoratives.

Are you aware of the term 'mansplaining'? It might not be something that bothers you. You might quite like the intrusion of a man into a conversation to explain his male perspective and, therefore, invalidate your own. Because that is the purpose of it. He quite clearly stated that the women weren't going to 'get it', thus attemtping to invalidate any response made by any woman by stating that we don't really understand it anyway.

His whole post inferred it.

UterusUterusGhali · 02/01/2019 08:20

Good grief.

N2986 · 02/01/2019 08:20

I'm so confused Confused

OvenChipsAndWineForMe · 02/01/2019 08:22

The poster definitely did not deserve to be called a twat and a prick on the basis of a couple of sentences he wrote.

No he probably didn't! But his whole post felt so patronising it certainly got me thinking those words, even though I'd not have written them.

subspace · 02/01/2019 08:25

I'm guessing you're thinking you're going to find it hard to be happy for your wife on her birthday which you now know to also be the anniversary of her having sex with an abusive ex. Perhaps you've built her statement up in your mind to mean she was raped on that day, but nothing you've told us indicates that for certain.

What I am inferring is that she's spent the last X years with you celebrating her birthdays fairly normally, and that you haven't picked up on any sadness around that date for her. So perhaps the thoughts in your head about how awful it must have been for her, aren't actually accurate for her. In which case, please don't make it into a date to remember that she was abused. It is a joyous date for her, her birthday AND the date she conceived her much loved son. Please don't ruin these things for her with your reaction to being reminded that she was abused. This one's not about you pal xx

silvercuckoo · 02/01/2019 08:27

You might quite like the intrusion of a man into a conversation to explain his male perspective and, therefore, invalidate your own.
Lol. Yes, that is exactly how I feel. Thanks for womansplaining to me what I feel.
There are topics on which I am prepared to take a man's word over a woman's. For example, why some of them suddenly feel an urge to scratch certain areas on their body and this absolutely cannot wait until later (I am sitting right now opposite a guy on the train who thinks he's very discrete with his actions). Sexual jealousy can have a gender-specific component too, why not?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/01/2019 08:27

Wtf.
What were you talking about to bring this into the conversation? I don't understand why you're upset - because she remembered the date or that she had sex on her birthday.

Come back and explain please.

Butchyrestingface · 02/01/2019 08:31

Sexual jealousy can have a gender-specific component too, why not?

Well, I wish someone would explain this to me! Sad

I appreciate that (some) men may have insecurities around the paternity of their offspring and this insecurity may, on occasion, be entirely justified.

But that consideration doesn't apply here. So what's left?

StuffingSandwich · 02/01/2019 08:31

silvercuckoo his post was predicated on his fact that women can't understand male sexual jealousy. How does he know? Not being a woman; not having an insight into how 'women' (the homogenous group that we obviously are) feel, how would he know how women feel to know that we feel differently to men?

If one sex cannot understand the position of the other, surely that works both ways?

That is the point.

ChoriChori · 02/01/2019 08:33

This is such a frustrating post.

OP please explain what you are upset about

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