DW told us her conception date.

[ImUpset]

I'm Male. I'm a member for a long-time as MNHQ will no doubt clarify if asked.

DW has been in my life for over 20 years, DSS is 22 and has been in my life since just before he was 2. DD is 19. Over Christmas (DSS not present as lives many miles away) DW told myself and DD her conception date for D(S)S was her birthday - a non-special date in the year (eg: DDs was my birthday over the Christmas period). Over our lives together this has never come to light, and I'm pretty upset as a result. Her ex was very violent and alcoholic during their relationship, no part of their sons' life since 18 months, and apart from a handful of months when DSS was 14 (during which he sought to split us up, acknowledged by social worker who ended contact after school expressed concerns) no contact.

DSS has been raised as my DS, and seen me as such from incredibly young age both in wordage and behaviour, mirroring his sisters' behaviour. Should note he was never encouraged in any way to do so.

So, am I being unreasonable in being upset? Or should DW have been more reserved after so long? Not sure how I'm going to, or supposed to, feel when her birthday rolls around each year.

Sorry OP but this is a bit bizarre. What a strange thing to be upset about!

If be concerned that you're a bit controlling yourself. It seems like it's not ok for her to mention that she had a life before you

I think I can see it - because you don't want to acknowledge that any good bits happened in her relationship with the wanker ex, maybe? So having sex on her birthday with said violent abusive wanker ex indicates that there probably were some good bits (there usually are).

I think that you are making too much of it though - I doubt that she remembers the time with any fondness!

I'm also struggling to imagine what the problem is.

I have 2 children and I know the exact date of conception for them both. Whilst I didn't feel the need to tell my (now ex) husband the date my first child was conceived, neither would it occur to me that it would be problematic.

Whatever date your dss had been conceived, that date has still come around every year for the past 22 years and will continue to do so.

Is it because you now know a specific date on which she had sex? Does it mean you think she remembers/thinks about that sex?

I doubt she felt a need to tell you. She probably thought it was a part of the trivia of her life and was just sharing it with you.

What, I'm confused as to what the problem is?

Your wife didn't mean to hurt you. It was a bit insensitive but she was probably just thinking out loud, had she considered the implications to you she wouldn't have said it.

Please don't dwell, that information changes nothing but maybe it wouldn't hurt to tell her how it made you feel. She'll undoubtedly feel sorry, you can have a cuddle and make everything right between you.

Happy new year

I don’t understand either, sorry.

I do think there’s a lot more to this OP. Why would your DW suddenly start a conversation with “oh, the date of conception for DD was over Christmas and date of conception for DS was my birthday”. That’s just weird. Were she and daughter talking about children? Having babies? Was it during a conversation, your wife added these two pieces of information?

You need to separate in your mind your DW having sex as being the memory she is reliving as opposed to it being connected with the creation of DS. I’m sure if you spoke about it with your wife, you’ll realise the importance to her was about her son not glorifying having sex with her ex.(yes the two are intertwined but it’s not actually the ex or sex with ex that’s the forefront of thought).

Beyond strange.

Tbf OP, you sound a bit controlling yourself.

You are being an idiot.
HTH

Are you upset she knows the date? My daughter’s was on our paperwork so I assume most people know the date the conceived.

I’m surprised that this doesn’t upset you for her, rather than for yourself. Given she was in an abusive relationship with a violent alcoholic I would assume that at best she was trying to make to make the relationship work so he wouldn’t hurt her, at worst she didn’t have much choice in having sex with him. Even if the was neither of those things things, most people have sex on their birthday (pre kids at least!). Do you feel like she has portrayed her relationship with hi mark one way (violent/abusive) but this is making you feel like she did love him and it wasn’t as bad as she had previously made it out to be?

had she considered the implications to you she wouldn't have said it

What implications to him? Seriously - can you explain this? There are NO implications to him - none at all.

Get a grip.

I think you should talk to someone about it (probably not your wife) because it’s clearly distressing you.
But honestly for me, YABU and it doesn’t really make sense why you are upset.
It sounds like you’ve displaced your (understandable) anger with her Ex onto associating it with her birthday meaning she’s now forever doomed to have bad / tense/ slightly passive aggressive birthdays forevermore.
This really isn’t fair so you need to address it before it becomes “ a thing” as you sound like you have a solid relationship and it would be foolish to ruin it over a hang up

In the nicest way possible.. you are being incredibly unreasonable and this is quite possibly the oddest thing I've read on here in a long time.. !

I had to read your post twice to make sure I hadn't overlooked the actual issue.

It might be because it was her birthday that it happened, he might have got her drunk so she was less able to demand contraception. He might have persuaded her that it was her duty to offer herself on her birthday. Maybe it was more traumatic because it was her birthday so she remembered it. Or maybe she is just good at maths and worked it out. Remember she was probably aware of the conception date within a few weeks of the event. Think back over the past three weeks and think about the times you had sex. Fairly easy probably. She won't have just worked it out now, she will have known for years. Have no idea why she decided to share it with you now.

Don't be so fucking ridiculous. She had sex on her birthday with a previous partner and happened to conceive a child from it. That is it, and that is all of it. She's your partner of 20 years, get off Mumsnet and go and enjoy the life you two have together with your children.

😝

as to why this has upset you? I assume you’re aware of biology and that DSS isn’t your biological child, so how did you think it happened and why does the date matter when it was before you were with his mum?

Also, what Inspectorlkmen said.

^^. What trojanpony said.

Please don’t ruin her birthday forever more.

I guess it's why she felt the need to share it now? I'd never even thought of dating it back!

Why shouldn't she share it, at any time? There are two things that surprise me about this scenario, and neither is the fact that she shared this nugget of extremely innocuous information:

1). That she knows when she conceived both children. Most people, who are having regular sex, I suspect, would be unable to pinpoint the exact date of conception.

2). That for a bloke who appears to have such exorbitant sensibilities about his spouse ever having had sex with another person, you choose to marry a woman who demonstrated such clear proof (i.e., a CHILD) that she was, in fact, not a virgin.

Maybe conceiving her child on the day or her birth is special to her so she wanted to share that.
I doubt she was focusing on the sex part of it, like you are!
Yabvu