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Original poster

DW told us her conception date.

210 replies

ImUpset · 02/01/2019 06:15

I'm Male. I'm a member for a long-time as MNHQ will no doubt clarify if asked.

DW has been in my life for over 20 years, DSS is 22 and has been in my life since just before he was 2. DD is 19. Over Christmas (DSS not present as lives many miles away) DW told myself and DD her conception date for D(S)S was her birthday - a non-special date in the year (eg: DDs was my birthday over the Christmas period). Over our lives together this has never come to light, and I'm pretty upset as a result. Her ex was very violent and alcoholic during their relationship, no part of their sons' life since 18 months, and apart from a handful of months when DSS was 14 (during which he sought to split us up, acknowledged by social worker who ended contact after school expressed concerns) no contact.

DSS has been raised as my DS, and seen me as such from incredibly young age both in wordage and behaviour, mirroring his sisters' behaviour. Should note he was never encouraged in any way to do so.

So, am I being unreasonable in being upset? Or should DW have been more reserved after so long? Not sure how I'm going to, or supposed to, feel when her birthday rolls around each year.

OP posts:
Tryingtobedebtfree2019 · 02/01/2019 07:33

Well sorry but it is special to her. Not because of her ex but because that's the day she created her son! I think that's special enough. I understand you don't like it but the fact she has an ex and the son was born from that relationship does it matter what day it happened. It happened and you have your lovely son because of it. It's a strange thing to be sad about. It hasn't tainted her birthday. She probably had see in other relationships on her birthday too... But she remembers her son was conceived then which is quite a normal thing to remember and not difficult to work out. Maybe it's the only thing that makes her feel better about the abusive relationship. Don't take it away from her.

silvercuckoo · 02/01/2019 07:33

Look I’m a man OP and sexual jealousy has slightly different root causes for women/men. Most women aren’t going to “get it”.
I am genuinely interested in this (not in an outrage against men's sensitivities way). Why is that? OP knew that his wife had a child, that child has a father, there had to be a conception date, which implies that at some point unprotected sex happened between the father and the mother. What if she said it wasn't her birthday, but, say, the day after her birthday?
I remember conception dates for both my children, I think it is not too unusual - especially if there is a history of struggling to conceive, for example, and monthly counting of days and regular disappointments.
Or does he think that sex she had on that day was so fantastic that she carries it in her mind for 20 years?

Spikeyball · 02/01/2019 07:33

Did you expect everyone to say how awful for you.

AntiSocialInjusticePacifist · 02/01/2019 07:34

StuffingSandwich my advice was for the OP he can either take it or leave it. As your quote of mine points out I didn’t say the entirety of womankind does or does not do anything. There are a great many things about the experiences of women I would never claim to understand. In the end an emotional response to anything is never inherently unreasonable, but it’s best to figure it out and avoid acting negatively and inflicting pain on yourself or others. Like whatever in my post triggered you to lash out with your ‘prick’ remark the emotions are perfectly valid the pejoratives markedly less so, but as I said before it’s fine my post was directed at the OP and not you.

Ozziewozzie · 02/01/2019 07:34

I do understand why it’s upsetting. It’s obvious. Nobody really wants to have in mind a specific moment of their dp/dh having sex with someone else.
For eg, If ones partner disclosed to you how he used to give oral to his ex every Christmas Day, would you not find it hard to shake that image from your head. Obviously most of us have had sexual encounters before our current partners, but how many of us want to know time and place of such occasions?
It would be like my husband and I parking in a car park and me then saying, ‘I remember having sex with ‘a’ here before.
I’m not suggesting his wife has said anything wrong but I can see why it can feel like an issue.

tryinganewname · 02/01/2019 07:34

Are you now jealous because your DD wasn't conceived on a 'special day'?

Tiredemma · 02/01/2019 07:35

Your last sentence rings alarms bells. You are not sure how you are going to feel on her birthday each year going forward?

Going to make your DW of 20 years feel bad are you? Spend the day sulking?

PinkAvocado · 02/01/2019 07:36

Look I’m a man OP and sexual jealousy has slightly different root causes for women/men. Most women aren’t going to “get it”

Get what though. Tell all us women what the issue is to ‘get’ and we will see if we can get our silly little minds around it.

OP-genuinely cannot see what the problem is. I can’t see how the different parts of your post are linked and how the outcome is you’re hurt.

Butchyrestingface · 02/01/2019 07:38

StuffingSandwich my advice was for the OP he can either take it or leave it.

But others have asked you to elaborate more politely. Are you not going to do so?

but as I said before it’s fine my post was directed at the OP and not you.

This is a public forum and obviously others were going to read your post. Had you not wanted them to do so, or comment, then you would have PM'd the OP.

It's not unreasonable for other posters to respond to your extremely curious remarks and ask you to clarify what is meant.

ciderhouserules · 02/01/2019 07:38

My first thought, after reading about her violent and abusive partner at that time, as that she was at least co-erced into sex on her birthday. Possibly that's why she remembers it.

It is and never was anything to do with you. You need to get over it.

EnglishRose13 · 02/01/2019 07:38

I don't get it

Rhubarbisevil · 02/01/2019 07:40

My BIL was born 9 months after my DH’s 1st birthday. That’s disgusting. They DTD on my husband’s birthday when he was a baby Shock

PinkFluffyFairy · 02/01/2019 07:40

I understand what you're saying OP.

It is a bit odd, I agree. I don't know what to make of it/advice to give though.

PandasAreCuteAnimals · 02/01/2019 07:41
Hmm
TSSDNCOP · 02/01/2019 07:42

Look I’m a man OP and sexual jealousy has slightly different root causes for women/men. Most women aren’t going to “get it”

Oh good grief Charlie Brown.

moanyhole · 02/01/2019 07:45

Ok this is your issue to deal with. Not you DW. Please don't ruin every birthday in the future for her by over reacting here. Also if you harp on about this you are forcing her to relive the abuse she suffered in this relationship.
If you can't let this non issue go you obviously need help, get it before you ruin everything you have with your DW.

Triglesoffy · 02/01/2019 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Coldtoes28 · 02/01/2019 07:47

I don't get it either. I thought you were going to say "and I've just worked out that I was in Peru on this day and so my son can't be mine" or something. I'm confused about why you're upset that your DSS was conceived on a date?

AntiSocialInjusticePacifist · 02/01/2019 07:51

Maybe the etiquette on Mumsnet is different, but I would never pm someone without asking them first. I did my best to phrase without causing offence, but I evidently did not succeed so I apologise for any offence I caused.

I truly didn’t believe it was really all that contentious to point out the experiences of men and women can be different. Whilst overall we are more similar than we are different.

Women do not have “silly little minds”. Nothing I wrote was intended as an attack on womankind, and I hope you’ll forgive me if I bow out gracefully now for fear of putting my other foot mouthward.

ISdads · 02/01/2019 07:55

Are there other issues in your marriage or in your life right now? This sounds like you have found a handy stick to emotionally beat her with. Maybe counselling for you would be helpful, to see why you are fixating on this, and what for.

WizardOfToss · 02/01/2019 07:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Butchyrestingface · 02/01/2019 07:56

I truly didn’t believe it was really all that contentious to point out the experiences of men and women can be different.

It wouldn't be at all contentious to do that, but that wasn't what you did.

The fact that you won't elaborate makes your original point sound even more like bollocks, but I guess you already know that. Smile

PattiStanger · 02/01/2019 07:57

Why is the date of conception important? With a relatively short possible window each month it's not something that she has much choice about.

No one trying for a baby would wait for a “special” day and only have sex on that day would they?

Unless sex was very infrequent how do you know your child's date?

silvercuckoo · 02/01/2019 08:00

@AntiSocialInjusticePacifist
I am sorry if you found anything aggressive in my post. Personal attacks on you were not OK, you did not say anything offensive or even contentious. Some people are actively looking for ways to be offended.
I think where the misunderstanding comes from is that everyone tries to mirror the situation and apply to themselves (well, at least I did). Assume I have a stepson who I love and treat as my own, mother was a trouble in the past but not anymore, and then DH shares that the son was conceived on a particular day, e.g. his birthday twenty years ago. I'd wonder why he suddenly needed to share this information, but I would not think twice after it later.

expatmigrant · 02/01/2019 08:00

Get a grip and have a Biscuit

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