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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Fiance losing the plot?

184 replies

GrouchEnd · 02/01/2019 05:27

Have been with DP for 8 years, have known him for a lot longer. Have never heard him so much as raise his voice. We were discussing wedding plans when he very casuslly mentioned getting photos printed and where we would have them at the ceremony and reception. He wants pictures of both his grandparents and his mother and father (all deceased) at the front of the alter, in full view of everyone taking centre stage. And somewhere at the reception. He says he told me about this, he defo didn't. Long story short when i objected to this he went absolutely mental, launched a laptop across the room, smashed a wine glass, and has fucked off. Not spoke to him since monday morning, ignoring all my calls. AIBU to want to have a say in what is centre stage at my own wedding? Did he over-react? I love him and he loves me, but i really do not a who's a who of dead relatives taking centre stage on our day. Any diplomatic resolutions?

OP posts:
Weenurse · 02/01/2019 05:30

I have not heard of this before.maybe a small table in the corner of church and reception

DameSquashalot · 02/01/2019 05:33

Throwing the laptop wasn't a great reaction, but it seems like you think it's your wedding only. He's lost both of his parents and you can't seem to find a tiny bit of empathy.

KoshaMangsho · 02/01/2019 05:34

That’s his entire family though. His parents and his grand parents are not just ‘dead people’ to him. Although his behaviour is not justified AT ALL, you were really insensitive but a’who’s who of dead relatives’ this is not. It’s his closest family!

QueenofmyPrinces · 02/01/2019 05:35

but i really do not a who's a who of dead relatives taking centre stage on our day.

What a really horrible thing to say - I hope you didn’t say that to him...

If my DH ever referred to my departed parents/grandparents as simply “dead relatives” or even thought of them like that I would be incredibly upset.

My MIL died a few years ago and if I wasn’t already married and he’d wanted a photo of her at the altar then I would have allowed it without question.

They’re members of his close family whose absence at his wedding will probably hurt deeply - show some sympathy and understanding is my advice.

GoBrookeYourself · 02/01/2019 05:36

Whilst I’d never condone his reaction, I don’t think you handled the situation in a great way either. You say you want a say in your wedding, but it’s not just your wedding. And deceased relatives are such a sensitive subject, it sounds like you just shut his idea down completely, thereby possibly making him feel like his family are unimportant.

My DH was very close to his grandparents and we had a candle burning at our wedding, placed next to the guestbook, which was inscribed with something along the lines of ‘in loving memory of those who couldn’t be with us today’ and the names of who we wanted on there. Could that be a compromise? Although I don’t see anything wrong with his request and think you could have been kinder with your response.

cracker86 · 02/01/2019 05:38

I wouldn’t want that centre stage for the ceremony, that part of the day is about you 2 making your future. However, at our wedding reception, we had a small memory table with some pretty frames with pictures of my mother in law who is sadly no longer with us. We also had a vase there for me to sit my bouquet in next to her picture. Maybe suggest that :)

planespotting · 02/01/2019 05:42

Have been with DP for 8 years, have known him for a lot longer. Have never heard him so much as raise his voice.

Wouldn't this give you an insight of how he is feeling?

Both his parents and his grandparents are dead and he is getting married.

Why oh why people can't put themselves and their partners first at wedding.

So your OH has lost them all and all you care about is how the "center stage" looks like

I don't get it

Littlechocola · 02/01/2019 05:45

Do you still want to marry him knowing that he can react like that?

FWIW I see your point but surely you can see his?

Ethel80 · 02/01/2019 05:48

I wouldn't like it personally. I remember people in my own way and that isn't with showy gestures and sentimentality. I know that probably sounds harsh.

But it is his wedding too so maybe a compromise could be found.

Whether I'd still want to marry him after he chucked a laptop and stomped off is another matter. Weddings are stressful and he might be finding it hard because his closest family aren't here. How does he usually cope with stress? If it's a one-off then fine but I'd be a bit worried about his reaction.

Ethel80 · 02/01/2019 05:50

Also, it's a bit morbid isn't it?

LovefromJulia · 02/01/2019 05:50

I agree with putting them at the reception maybe, but not the alter. Why not have him maybe make a speech about them or have his best men mention them in his speech and how much they’re missed on family occasions like this? X

AintNobodyHereButUsReindeer · 02/01/2019 05:52

That was a massive overreaction on his part but you sound really horrible and insensitive. A 'who's who of dead relatives' is an awful thing to say about his parents and grandparents. They're not exactly distant cousins or something!! Would it really be so bad to compromise with him and set up a small memorial table for their photos to sit on?

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/01/2019 05:53

He didn’t lose the plot. He hasn’t got over losing his entire family.

Is his inheritance paying for this wedding for example??

Centre stage, no. But you need to find a compromise.

What exactly did you say? If it was anything like your op that’s hideous. By the sound of it you have little concept of what it is to lose a parent let alone two. Or do you have very low emotional intelligence?

LittleScottieDog · 02/01/2019 05:58

Didn't they do this at the wedding at the end of the film 'Armageddon'?

His reaction is a bit OTT bit it shows you how much he cares about losing the people he loves. Hopefully you can compromise and have photos/candles on display during the ceremony and reception.

RedHelenB · 02/01/2019 06:01

People will look at you not the altar surely? I think he has every right to have some things he wants at the wedding surely? I think ywbu.

Snoz · 02/01/2019 06:08

I'd compromise with a photo of his parents on their wedding day. So it's not so morbid. Not sure about grandparents though.

Notacluethisxmas · 02/01/2019 06:10

It doesn't want anyone else would do.

This is his wedding too, these are his family.

His reaction is not ok. But then neither was yours. I imagine when he calms down, there is a lot more to this. Such as, perhaps he is missing them more now you are planning the wedding. Or perhaps he feels you don't give a shit about his feelings around this or his feelings about the wedding.

Snoz · 02/01/2019 06:11

Also, does he have anything belonging to them that he can wear on the day, such as a ring/cufflinks/tiepin or something? That way he can feel they're there.
I can see his viewpoint, but I can also see yours. It would make it a quite morbid affair, more akin to a funeral Mass than a wedding.
If he must have these photos, just ask that they're photos of them on their wedding days. Rather than a photo of now deceased old people.

Snoz · 02/01/2019 06:13

But actually, I'm missing the point here entirely. That level of aggression and violence and now blanking you is a very bad indicator of things to come. So, I'm not sure whether I'd even be proceeding with a wedding at all.
Not without a very immediate and sincere apology.

RebootYourEngine · 02/01/2019 06:14

A few weddings that I have been to have had a memorial table. I think it's a nice thing to want them there. Could you not have a table to one side?

His parents and grandparents obviously meant a lot to him.

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 02/01/2019 06:15

Quite common in the US.

It is his wedding too so yes, you are being unreasonable and should have been able to come up with a solution together but.....If this is the way he deals with an argument, call it quits now. Life will throw a number of curveballs at you both and you need to know how you will be able to cope as a team.

jessstan2 · 02/01/2019 06:16

Why on earth did you object? I think it's rather nice. You're mean to complain about it, it's a small thing in the scheme of things. They are not going to be so enormous that everyone will look at the photographs rather than at you; it's his wedding too and it obviously means a lot to him. I can't understand what you're so concerned about.

Doobee · 02/01/2019 06:17

Honestly, I’ve lost very close relatives and I do think including dead relatives at weddings is strange and OTT but that’s my personal opinion. It would make me very uncomfortable and anxious to have photos of dead people staring at me as I walked down the aisle. Like I say that’s my personal opinion. Everybody has their own take on this type of thing. He obviously feels differently. Are you sure the two of you are compatible? Do you really know this man? Truly? You had no idea he felt this way. That’s a fundamental difference in approach. He then threw things. Regardless of the topic being discussed, he got upset (understandable) and then got aggressive (not ok). You really need to cancel the wedding. There’s a lot to sort out here. What happens if you go ahead and then have kids? Even for people who are totally in sync and agree on everything, parenting pushes a relationship to the edge. Is he going to react like this when you disagree on using controlled crying (for example) or a million other parenting decisions and you’re both pushed to the edge of sanity because of sleep deprivation? It’s up to you, obviously, but there’s this phrase “when somebody shows you who they truly are, believe them” he’s just shown you who he is. Regardless of what you said about his dead family or how you said it, this is how he has handled that discussion. That’s not the right way to handle or solve conflict. You don’t want that around any future hypothetical kids. I’d personally knock it all on the head until he’d undergone a programme of therapy for bereavement and anger management.

kmc1111 · 02/01/2019 06:18

His reaction wasn’t great, but if he’s never behaved similarly in all the time you’ve known him then that wouldn’t concern me. It’s obviously a very painful topic for him, and you really don’t sound at all sensitive to that.

I think it’s fair enough not to want pictures of his family up on the altar with you (assuming we’re talking about large printed photos and not some small photo frames dotted around), but it’s fairly normal to have a table of photos at the reception when one of the couple has lost a lot of family or friends.

I’ve been to many weddings where a row of seating up front has been left empty for the family members and close friends who’ve passed away. Could you compromise with something like that for the ceremony, and have pictures at the reception?