AIBU - Fiance losing the plot?

[GrouchEnd]

Have been with DP for 8 years, have known him for a lot longer. Have never heard him so much as raise his voice. We were discussing wedding plans when he very casuslly mentioned getting photos printed and where we would have them at the ceremony and reception. He wants pictures of both his grandparents and his mother and father (all deceased) at the front of the alter, in full view of everyone taking centre stage. And somewhere at the reception. He says he told me about this, he defo didn't. Long story short when i objected to this he went absolutely mental, launched a laptop across the room, smashed a wine glass, and has fucked off. Not spoke to him since monday morning, ignoring all my calls. AIBU to want to have a say in what is centre stage at my own wedding? Did he over-react? I love him and he loves me, but i really do not a who's a who of dead relatives taking centre stage on our day. Any diplomatic resolutions?

Having read through this thread, my opinion has changed on the subject. If it's that important to him I'd agree. I'd also start wondering if I was doing a bit of walking-all-over-him because he's normally so placid. He may just be feeling that his opinion is never considered to be important. Time to look at one's own behaviour, I think. It's easy to fall into a rut.

What EXACTLY did you say to him you objected to having the photos - just before he threw the laptop, smashed the glass and stormed out of your life? I suspect you might have been as caring and subtle as some of the posters on here that threw in the gloomfest comments and went on about dead relatives decorations. This is his immediate family, people he obviously misses a lot, people he's probably missing even more while you're planning a wedding, and you've poo pooed the only way that he can have them at the wedding because you think it's ugly?! No wonder he's not speaking to you. It must be a difficult thing for him, organising top tables and thinking of your dad walking you down the aisle etc. You need to have a bit more compassion and thought. You're caring more about your wedding than you future husband, and I think he's realised that and is hurt. I hope that you can resolve this and he comes back, but you've some big obstacles to overcome first.

you’ve pushed them far beyond their limits and are being very unreasonable.

I cannot believe the number of agressive behaviour apologists here.. so she caused his violent smashing things up?! FFS!

Until OP comes back (and l wouldnt blame her if she didn't!) We don't know if she completely rubbished the idea, or just vetoed having them on the altar

I suspect some people just woke up feeling a little cunty this morning. Particularly given how many people can't stand their in laws on here.

The issue is not he wishes photos of his dead relatives there, it's he wants them on the alter. Who the hell wants pics of their dead relatives on the actual alter. A prominent place, fine, but the actual alter ? No one likes that. You wouldn't have them sitting on the alter alive, why would you have them sitting on it when they are dead.

And she's posted asking for a diplomatic resolution.

Please don’t assume I am a practising Hindu!

I'm not saying you're a practicing Hindu, just that it's normal in the Hindu tradition so it's more familiar too.

She says "at the front of the altar", which I assumed to mean in front of the altar, as surely they wouldn't be allowed on the altar itself?

This is a massive red flag. My mum's friend married a "kind and gentle" man who she had been engaged to for 4 years, he had never even raised his voice to her. On their wedding night, he beat the shit out of her. I would be very careful to be near a man who is capable of being so volatile.

@Happypie she probably 'pushed him far beyond his limit'

So sorry to hear about your mum's friend, agree this is a massive red flag.

That is a huge overreaction.

I agree with you. It is not a memorial service for his family. It is about the two of you and that should be the focus.

His reaction is a bad sign. This is something that should be discussed calmly. A compromise of some sort could be reached.

I don't think its on the altar Bluntness would that even be allowed? (I'm a heathen and have no idea!) I think he means near the altar, maybe to the side.

OP I think you've been very crass here. You know that he's allowed to have his input into his own wedding too don't you? And that a wedding is about two people getting married, not the aesthetic

However, his reaction is worrying and unacceptable too.

You two need a really serious talk

You wouldn't have them sitting on the alter alive, why would you have them sitting on it when they are dead.

Because they're pretty disadvantaged in the wedding compared to your average living parents of the groom, what with being just a piece of paper in a frame and all. They can't see the bride and groom, can't hug them, can't make speeches, give toasts, receive gifts of thanks for the happy couple or... well, they can't do an awful lot really.

But they can sit on top of the altar. That's about all they can do. And if I'd married in a church that's exactly where I would have liked my dead mother too, given there isn't an awful lot else I could have done to include her in my wedding.

He didn't want them on the alter - or even the altar - he wanted them where he could see them, which doesn't seem unreasonable.

Even the worm turns in the end. I imagine he's reconsidering his decision to marry someone who has so little regard for his feelings. I would too.

I hope OP and her fiance are together and talking .

FWIW I think if you've never come across this practice I can understand being shocked by the suggestion .Like some others I too find it maudlin and sentimental .Very Victorian . More display than content .
Just my opinion ,I understand others feel differently .

Much prefer the approach of wearing something significant or mentioning them in a speech - surely your memory of someone is personal to you ,not something to be signalled to a mixed group of ppl .

We don't know exactly how Op expressed her objections and yet so many are blaming her for her partner's extreme reaction. Just seems ironic when it's all "I believe you" when the domestic violence goes up a gear.
Op - personally I think that unless the two of you got into an escalating high energy confrontation where you were pushing each other hard - he's showing you who he is. Yes, this might mean a lot to him but so will other things that you disagree with in the future. Wrecking expensive equipment and damaging things violently can't be his default reaction.

I agree it’s a massive red flag- for him

I think a lot of people are also overlooking where the OP said “He says he told me about this, he defo didn't”. There has been a miscommunication somewhere. If he thinks it was previously agreed then to him it looks like the OP has gone back on her agreement, whereas the OP thinks this has just been sprung on her without her having any input at all.

It really doesn't matter whether Op has forgotten a previous conversation (unlikely given her response to the idea don't we think?) or whether her response this time wasn't quite what he wanted to hear, or phrased quite as he'd like to hear it. He became violent, destructive, and then stormed off and has stopped communicating with her.
His response wasn't mature, reasonable or even safe. Does Op go ahead with the wedding now knowing that this is how he reacts when things don't go his way? Does she have children with him knowing that this is something they might get subjected to?

She stated he wanted them at the front of the alter. I assume this means on the alter and not on the floor. So yes, he wanted them on the alter, front and centre as she says.

Why dispute what she's written. And act like you know better what he wanted, I think the op is best placed to say what he wanted.

And no one wants photos of four dead relatives at the front of the alter. No one. So let's stop pretending it's normal or he wanted something different.

This conversation happened on nye, a time that is hard anyway for many people who are bereaved.

Bluntness at the front of the altar can just as easily mean on the floor in front of the altar - where flowers and suchlike might sit. If it’s inappropriate the religious officiant won’t agree to it, so I wouldn’t worry about that.

You sound bloody insensitive op. Imagine if all your family were dead?

Bluntness, how dare you say no one would want this when numerous people have said they entirely understand? Clearly there are some of us who get it. And OP didn't say on the altar, you just think she did because it suits you.

But this is not his normal reaction @regmover. OPclearly states they have been together 8 years and she has known him a lot longer and has never even heard him raise his voice let alone get angry. So that would indicate this is totally out of character.

AIBU to want to have a say in what is centre stage at my own wedding?

Isn't this ignoring a much bigger issue: someone who has never raised his voice in eight years has thrown a laptop across the room?

There's something completely unprecedented affecting his behaviour.

The people criticising him are missing the context, yes his behaviour is wrong, but if it's so out of character then that's not the main issue here.