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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Fiance losing the plot?

184 replies

GrouchEnd · 02/01/2019 05:27

Have been with DP for 8 years, have known him for a lot longer. Have never heard him so much as raise his voice. We were discussing wedding plans when he very casuslly mentioned getting photos printed and where we would have them at the ceremony and reception. He wants pictures of both his grandparents and his mother and father (all deceased) at the front of the alter, in full view of everyone taking centre stage. And somewhere at the reception. He says he told me about this, he defo didn't. Long story short when i objected to this he went absolutely mental, launched a laptop across the room, smashed a wine glass, and has fucked off. Not spoke to him since monday morning, ignoring all my calls. AIBU to want to have a say in what is centre stage at my own wedding? Did he over-react? I love him and he loves me, but i really do not a who's a who of dead relatives taking centre stage on our day. Any diplomatic resolutions?

OP posts:

Juells · 02/01/2019 09:48

KoshaMangsho
So charming. Pictures of one’s parents make a gloomfest eih? I can only imagine both your parents are still alive, right?

No they're not. But I've never seen or heard of anyone putting photos of dead relatives on display by the altar at a wedding. They're photos. They don't summon the spirits of loved ones to gaze fondly on your nuptials. I accept that other people feel differently, but it's not something I'd have wanted at my wedding, and I don't think the OP is being as unfair and insensitive as people are making out.

It's something I'd give in on, but I'd still think it weird.

Greenbedsocks · 02/01/2019 09:52

I've been to several UK weddings wherenphitos of the deceasedbparents have been at the altar. It's a way having the deceased there in the thoughts if those that knew them in the day.
I dont condone your finances reaction but you don't sound very sensitive to the situation. Its obviiusly highly emotive for him. Prehaps sime sensitivity may help.

Butchyrestingface · 02/01/2019 09:57

If OP would but come back, at least then it could be established what her thread title refers to. Is it:

1). That he wants photos of his dead relatives on display?
2). That he threw a gigantic strop and is ghosting her?
3). Both of the above?

ravenmum · 02/01/2019 10:01

Sounds like he is having a good think about the wedding, and it's probably not a bad idea. OP, are you really certain that you care enough about this man to want to marry him? Everyone is different, I know, but to me one sign that I really like someone is when I feel protective towards them. My current partner lost his dad as a young man and when I know he's thinking about that, I just want to give him a cuddle. If I didn't feel like that eight years into a relationship I'd be asking myself if we should break up.

HeartyLaugh · 02/01/2019 10:01

Long story short when i objected to this he went absolutely mental, launched a laptop across the room, smashed a wine glass, and has fucked off. Not spoke to him since monday morning, ignoring all my calls.
There must be more to it. Is he having cold feet?

TaMereAPoilDevantPrisu · 02/01/2019 10:02

I think that someone who doesn't raise his voice for eight years then explodes is not good marriage material.

Yabbers · 02/01/2019 10:05

Threw a laptop and smashed a glass?🤔

If someone previously placid loses their temper and storms out (whether there is laptop and glass smashing or not) that’s a pretty big sign that you’ve pushed them far beyond their limits and are being very unreasonable.

This is HIS wedding, these are HIS relatives, and you think you have the right to object to him wanting them present in some way on the day?

The only red flags here are for him. I hope he doesn’t come back, apologise and accept your objection. I wouldn’t want to marry anyone who was so cavalier with my feelings, someone who is so concerned with optics or aesthetics they put me second to that.

Lucky escape for him.

Yabbers · 02/01/2019 10:07

I think that someone who doesn't raise his voice for eight years then explodes is not good marriage material

Clearly ridiculous, Everyone has a breaking point.

PeaQiwiComHequo · 02/01/2019 10:08

If in those 8 years you have never yet said "no" to something that mattered to him, you haven't really got to know him. Now you have, and he has reacted with violence (not against you, but still violence). You definitely should not marry him. There will always be times of conflict in any marriage and he is not capable of dealing with that in a safe and respectful way.

However you were being mean to say no. Having the photos there is reasonable - though perhaps a little less front-and-centre in-your-face. But that's irrelevant now and it's a good thing you did say no or you might have been married before you had a chance to find out what a git he is.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 02/01/2019 10:10

I can see why you wouldn’t want the photos facing everyone as you walk up the aisle. But something like this would be a touching tribute for your DH’s family.

pin.it/hneoah5yts4el2

Marrying without your family there to share your day is heartbreaking. My dh had no family at our wedding, not due to death but due to our being NC, he was very emotional and the mix of intense happiness and love for marrying me, coupled with his hurt that his family was missing made him very emotional.

Your dh sounds devastated that his family will not be there to share your special day. I would try to find a way to honour his family, it clearly means a great deal to him! For you to just veto his idea, is almost like saying his family are not welcome at your wedding. Like the wedding is all about you, rather than being a joint celebration of your love.

There is no excuse for aggression/ violence. However if he has never had any violent outbursts like this before and he is not prone to lashing out at you. I would be prepared to overlook this if he apologised. Although I do think you should apologise for immediately dismissing something that is clearly very important to him!

scarbados · 02/01/2019 10:10

My DN's husband had a photo of his late mother on the table where they signed the register during their wedding. Both families thought it was a beautiful gesture to recognise her part in his life and in becoming the lovely man my DN married.

ravenmum · 02/01/2019 10:15

I think that a combination of really never even raising your voice for 8 years, and then exploding, would actually also make me think twice - not because that means he's secretly violent, but because it sounds like he has trouble expressing negative feelings. I'd rather be with someone who does get a bit pissed off occasionally, so I know that if he was unhappy about anything, he'd tell me.

dullclothesbrightmind · 02/01/2019 10:15

How did you object? Did you just say no? Did you ridicule the idea? Or did you attempt to enter into a discussion?

Because that will help to put his reaction into context.

thegreatbeyond · 02/01/2019 10:16

I would let him do what he wanted. It's one day and it's important to him. Share what is important to him.

TaMereAPoilDevantPrisu · 02/01/2019 10:18

Everyone has a breaking point.

That I agree with. But going straight from placid to violent with no gradation in between is not a good sign. I find it hard to believe that a couple can be together for eight years with no cause for disagreement. He is likely the sort that bottles things up, but knowing how to handle conflict safely is vital.

Confusedbeetle · 02/01/2019 10:21

well, you have to ask yourself, what is a wedding? Is it a "Centre stage" hoorah of a me me fest? Or a meaningful ceremony of formalising your relationship, together, both of you, not just the one in the show off dress, in front of family and a few people who mean the most to you. What I see in the last ten years is a performance, with a big audience. He is obviously upset that they can't be there. This was to be a symbolic presence and you have scuppered his feelings

Seaweed42 · 02/01/2019 10:22

His parents are important to him. You dismissed what was important to him so this reaction ensued. However, he shouldn't be throwing objects or breaking things and being violent.
Your own wedding and the birth of a child is when you most feel the missing parent or parents.
You could have handled it better. He could have handled it better.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 02/01/2019 10:24

If he bottles everything up then OP needs to be asking why. Is it because he doesn't know how to handle conflict, is it because OP is dismissive of his feelings, does he think he should put everyone else first and his feelings are secondary.

The pictures are obviously of huge significance to him and from the tone of the OP this significance has been treated with disdain.

Becca19962014 · 02/01/2019 10:26

I've been to a wedding where people did this.

The photos most certainly did not take centre stage.
They were a way for the grooms family to be present and for him to cope.

It was a very sad situation and the groom had lost his entire family in an accident and, because I said morning to him every day (he was our office cleaner, I literally say morning to everyone and hadnt thought at that time what a difference it might make to someone) he invited me to his wedding! He took time to make sure I'd wear the right clothes (it was a traditional wedding for where he's from) so I'd not be out of place. There were five of us on his side of the church in the "family pew". One of the people ran the corner shop, another worked in his bank for example, we were invited to the lot, wedding, reception and evening disco and involved in photos as well and treated as his family. I almost didn't go, it felt very wierd and uncomfortable. BUT it was a lovely day.

I'm so pleased I managed to go (I nearly didn't as it felt wrong) and I've stayed in contact with him and his wife, and, I can only imagine how he would have reacted had his wife said the same thing to him or if I or the others who went didn't turn up for him. He's had bereavement counselling/therapy and can function but he still really struggles with it everyday and he couldn't have gone through it "without his family there".

I'm not saying the OP fiancé reacted decently AT ALL, but having photos there doesn't mean that they will distract from the day. I'm sure, because it happened to this person, they're thinking a lot about the family they have lost, bringing up grief afresh, and this is his way of them being included.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 02/01/2019 10:28

My parents are not around either and weren't at our wedding, and I have to admit I'm with Juells re the photos. A prayer remembering them in the church service, a mention in any speeches and a toast to absent loved ones, all fine. But the photo thing would not be for me - especially not on or indeed near the altar. That said, the df is not BU for wanting photos somewhere on display at the ceremony, if he feels that would give him comfort. Where he was BU was in becoming violent (aren't we told that destroying objects is a form of DV?). And not raising your voice for 8 years (presuming the OP wasn't employing hyperbole to emphasise how laid-back and calm he usually is) doesn't seem entirely healthy to me either.

OP's definitely not covered herself in glory. Her phrasing says a lot about how she is thinking of this wedding.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 02/01/2019 10:29

His reaction wasn’t great

I’m sorry? How many people have actually typed this out - he threw a laptop across the room and smashed a glass! That is not a normal level of upset or aggression, no matter what he was upset about!

I find this actually quite worrying. This would skew my entire viewpoint of him if I’m honest. It sounds frightening.

Consolidateyourloins · 02/01/2019 10:30

@KoshaMangsho

It’s creepy to have photos of one’s parents?! It shows you have a mental health problem??

This from MN where once on a thread about moving abroad 95% of the people said they couldn’t live far from their mothers. And berated those who moved abroad. But hey a man wants photos of HIS mum and dad and he has a mental health condition?

Kosha, I believe the Hindu tradition encourages placing photos of dead relatives as a sign of respect, so it's normal, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's normal for the OP, especially in front of the altar, centre stage. As a pp said, that would be considered idolatry in Christianity.

Seniorcitizen1 · 02/01/2019 10:32

When my son married last year there was a small table in church and reception that hosted wedding day phitos of both sets of parents and grandparents. Everyone agreed that this was a very nice touch thought up by the bride to be

1forAll74 · 02/01/2019 10:33

You are being totally unreasonable. It will be a whole wedding day, with all the celebrations, and your partners request, for something that means so much to him, will be one small part of the day, so at least don't be so mean to him.

Yulebealrite · 02/01/2019 10:33

I think apologies from both sides are in order. You for being insensitive and him for over reacting to understandable upset.

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