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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Fiance losing the plot?

184 replies

GrouchEnd · 02/01/2019 05:27

Have been with DP for 8 years, have known him for a lot longer. Have never heard him so much as raise his voice. We were discussing wedding plans when he very casuslly mentioned getting photos printed and where we would have them at the ceremony and reception. He wants pictures of both his grandparents and his mother and father (all deceased) at the front of the alter, in full view of everyone taking centre stage. And somewhere at the reception. He says he told me about this, he defo didn't. Long story short when i objected to this he went absolutely mental, launched a laptop across the room, smashed a wine glass, and has fucked off. Not spoke to him since monday morning, ignoring all my calls. AIBU to want to have a say in what is centre stage at my own wedding? Did he over-react? I love him and he loves me, but i really do not a who's a who of dead relatives taking centre stage on our day. Any diplomatic resolutions?

OP posts:

Despondency · 02/01/2019 08:26

Having photographs of dead close relatives at weddings is quite common — I used to sing at weddings so have been to countless — so I’m a bit baffled by those who find it odd or ‘morbid’. These are not random dead people, but his immediate family, whose absence from his wedding day he is presumably grieving for, given the uncharacteristic violence of his reaction.

And he doesn’t mean on the actual altar table, obviously, but somewhere prominent in the altar area, so he can feel they are visibly present, the way they would be if they were in the front pew, watching him get married.

Have none of you encountered brides who take their bouquets to a parent’s grave after photographs and before the reception?

DeepanKrispanEven · 02/01/2019 08:27

If or when you have a discussion of this with your fiancé, avoid the use of the term "centre stage" which seems to figure very prominently in your thinking. A wedding is not a theatrical show.

jessstan2 · 02/01/2019 08:31

Work out your values, OP.

BarbarianMum · 02/01/2019 08:33

Shows how we are all different then Butchy - I'd much rather one total loss of temper every 7 years than marrying someone so totally self- centred.

Twisique · 02/01/2019 08:33

Maybe this is his way of getting out of the wedding?

Comenext · 02/01/2019 08:41

I can see where he is coming from but I don't condone his violent outburst.
I felt very sad that my own parents (and grandparents) were not alive to see my wedding.
Same when I had the twin DDs. I cried for days when I saw other people having their mothers to visit their DCs in hospital.
Life sucks.... but you just have to get on with it.
Be sensitive to his feelings but don't put up with tantrums. He needs to see his GP and ask for counselling.

Juells · 02/01/2019 08:45

I wouldn't like this at my wedding :( Feckin' gloomfest.

Butchyrestingface · 02/01/2019 08:52

Shows how we are all different then Butchy - I'd much rather one total loss of temper every 7 years than marrying someone so totally self- centred.

It's not only the temper tantrum (which, since it involves smashing things up, IS pretty serious imo) but the fact, fully one week later, he still hasn't got over it sufficiently to even pick up the phone to answer OP's calls.

That is a bigger 🚩to me that OP's crassness and insensitivity. Either way, the Incredible Sulk versus Bridezilla don't sound like a splendid match.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 02/01/2019 08:54

I dont think you go from never once raising your voice in 8 years to smashing a laptop and a wine glass unless it is either
A) something that is of huge importance to him
Or
B) he constantly bites his tongue, bottles up his feelings and now they have exploded.

Maybe you need to think which one of the 2 is correct and what you as a couple are going to do to address it before any wedding goes ahead.

DeepanKrispanEven · 02/01/2019 08:56

Where do you get that he's not speaking "fully one week later", Butchy? This happened on Monday, OP posted at 5 a.m. on Wednesday.

Helplessfeeling · 02/01/2019 08:56

It is quite common in my church to put photos of the deceased next to the altar on special occasions so I don't think his request is morbid or unusual. I think his reaction is probably coming out of grief for his family, frustration that you won't concede something that is important to him and the stress of the wedding plans. If this is out of the blue behaviour from him then I would let it go and try to see his POV.

Mummyshark2018 · 02/01/2019 08:57

A table with close deceased relatives is very common where I am from. It doesn't need to be doom and gloom. Nice picture, nice flowers, a few candles, somewhere where family members can be remembered and be part of the day. Your dp's reaction was OTT. He sounds extremely frustrated. Is he generally a passive person whereby you make most of the decisions?

KoshaMangsho · 02/01/2019 08:58

So charming. Pictures of one’s parents make a gloomfest eih? I can only imagine both your parents are still alive, right?

Butchyrestingface · 02/01/2019 09:00

Where do you get that he's not speaking "fully one week later", Butchy? This happened on Monday, OP posted at 5 a.m. on Wednesday.

I need help. I've lost track of time. I genuinely thought today was Monday.

I TAKE IT ALL BACK.

MrsBobDylan · 02/01/2019 09:01

I think his silence since Monday morning may mean that op no longer has a problem as it sounds like the wedding is off.

BlueEyedPersephone · 02/01/2019 09:16

I can see both perspectives, and whilst he should not have lost his temper, maybe she is being a bridezilla and this was the final self centred straw.
He needs to talk/ apologise and express his feelings in a less violent way but she needs to apologise first.
My dear dad missed my wedding and this level of insensitivity would have caused me to be out of character given the depth of my feelings and ongoing grief.

Rezie · 02/01/2019 09:19

I think the "long story short" thay is missing is the key here that determines if this is a massive red flag.

labazs · 02/01/2019 09:21

a lot of people do this these days when my daughter married a few wks ago she had a picture of her late father late fil and her grandparents in nice matching frames on an easel it was unobtrusive but easy to see and lots of guests were delighted departed people were shown she also raised a toast at the reception to absent family

Cherries101 · 02/01/2019 09:22

This sounds like the reaction of someone who has bottled up and bitten his tongue at everything you’ve ever said, based on your first post OP. My guess is this wedding isn’t going to happen.

Polarbearflavour · 02/01/2019 09:27

I can’t believe people think his behaviour is okay! Smashing up laptops and glasses and then the silent treatment. I had an ex like that. I ended it after several of his rages that he tried to blame on me.

Butchyrestingface · 02/01/2019 09:28

My guess is this wedding isn’t going to happen

That too. But also, at this point, it appears that OP isn't going to happen either. Perhaps they are having a rapturous, non-smashy, non-insensitive reunion.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 02/01/2019 09:40

But we are only hearing your side of the story OP.
You say he is a quiet man, never raising his voice, sounds to me like this is the final straw that broke the donkey's back, are you always so controlling ?
Of course there is no excuse for his violent outburst.

RatRolyPoly · 02/01/2019 09:42

I'm with BarbarianMum on this one, I'd sooner marry the OP's fiance than her, she sounds utterly horrible. And silent treatment? It's not exactly silent treatment is it; he isn't over it. And why should he get over it? Perhaps he isn't going to get over it, not after a week, not after a year, and not ever enough to want to be with her again. Pretty sure that's where I'd be at right now if I were him, smashed laptop or no smashed laptop, and I think I'd want a fair amount of space to get my head around that.

Birdsgottafly · 02/01/2019 09:44

His suggestion is perfectly usual. The person conducting the Wedding will make a suggestion of where the pictures are best placed and what usually happens.

OP, I agree that you need to reconsider your values and what input the Groom is allowed to have, it should be equal.

It's obvious that you think that you are in charge and shut down the discussion. Which caused his reaction. You aren't and as said, this isn't a production. It isn't all about you.

Chocolate1984 · 02/01/2019 09:48

I think you are pretty heartless. It’s a tiny way for him to feel like his parents and grandparents are included. Try and imagine how he must feel getting married with no parents.

It’s a joint wedding and instead of objecting you should have found a compromise.

You’re really mean.

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