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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Fiance losing the plot?

184 replies

GrouchEnd · 02/01/2019 05:27

Have been with DP for 8 years, have known him for a lot longer. Have never heard him so much as raise his voice. We were discussing wedding plans when he very casuslly mentioned getting photos printed and where we would have them at the ceremony and reception. He wants pictures of both his grandparents and his mother and father (all deceased) at the front of the alter, in full view of everyone taking centre stage. And somewhere at the reception. He says he told me about this, he defo didn't. Long story short when i objected to this he went absolutely mental, launched a laptop across the room, smashed a wine glass, and has fucked off. Not spoke to him since monday morning, ignoring all my calls. AIBU to want to have a say in what is centre stage at my own wedding? Did he over-react? I love him and he loves me, but i really do not a who's a who of dead relatives taking centre stage on our day. Any diplomatic resolutions?

OP posts:
CripsSandwiches · 02/01/2019 11:37

I agree that maybe he feels his opinion isn't taken into account in general and this sensitive issue has finally pushed him over the edge.

I've been to a wedding where there was something like this. It was because the bride had lost her dad a year before and it was obviously difficult for her not having him there. It was sweet and tasteful the way it was done and she wouldn't have been happy having it hidden away on aback table.

It's very different when the deceased people were incredibly important to the bride and groom. Especially parents who you would generally expect to be alive and well at their child's wedding.

zippey · 02/01/2019 11:37

Dead photos at weddings doesn’t have to be a gloom fest. Look st the end of Coco.

I think reactions are over the top but understandable.

Consolidateyourloins · 02/01/2019 11:37

Bluntness, how dare you say no one would want this when numerous people have said they entirely understand? Clearly there are some of us who get it. And OP didn't say on the altar, you just think she did because it suits you.

Bluelady, Bluntless said at the front of the altar, which is also what OP said. Front of the altar means it's on the altar and at the front.

In front of the altar would mean not on the alter, but directly in front.

ravenmum · 02/01/2019 11:39

She stated he wanted them at the front of the alter. I assume this means on the alter and not on the floor.
You assume that, I assume something else, so you must be right? Your logic eludes me Grin

daisychain01 · 02/01/2019 11:41

at the front of the alter (OPs spelling of altar).

is ambiguous as to whether it means on the altar itself, in a prominent place at the front, or whether on a separate table in front of the altar. Either way, the fiancé wants those photos in clear view for the congregation to see throughout the wedding ceremony.

I personally wouldn't feel it was the right place, but I'm not the fiancé. If the OP and he haven't been able to have a calm discussion and come to some compromise without the fiancé 'losing it', that doesn't bode well.

My suspicion .... has he got cold feet and is he using this as an excuse for a major bust-up to hide the fact he's having second thoughts about the wedding?

Bluelady · 02/01/2019 11:41

Yup me too.

Consolidateyourloins · 02/01/2019 11:43

@TeaStory

I think a lot of people are also overlooking where the OP said “He says he told me about this, he defo didn't”. There has been a miscommunication somewhere. If he thinks it was previously agreed then to him it looks like the OP has gone back on her agreement, whereas the OP thinks this has just been sprung on her without her having any input at all.

Good point. Isn't this a form of gaslighting? He's pretending it was already agreed when it wasn't (and like Bluntless, I believe the OP).

TeaStory · 02/01/2019 11:46

Good point. Isn't this a form of gaslighting?

Thank you, and yes that was what I was thinking. I get furious when someone tries to gaslight me (I don’t get violent of course, nothing excuses that) and I wondered if that fuelled the argument on one or both sides.

Rudgie47 · 02/01/2019 11:56

Dead relatives is the correct term as well, whats shes supposed to say? They are relatives of his and they are dead!!. Its not like she said relatives who have snuffed it or croaked.
I'd tell him to stick it all before he beats the crap out of you OP.

BeanTownNancy · 02/01/2019 11:57

YANBU for wanting to discuss it.
HINBU for being upset.
HIBU for reacting so violently and not speaking to you.

For what it's worth, I'd reserve them some front row seats with their pictures on, so they are visible to you and your partner, and included with the rest of the guests. That's what I would be comfortable with.
I would however be wanting to talk about his temper before getting married. He's clearly got some issues coming up he needs to deal with, because I wouldn't want to marry someone who could just snap like that with no warning.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 02/01/2019 12:06

@Teastory how can you be sure someone is gaslighting you and you haven't just forgotten the conversation? Or the other person genuinely believes they have had the conversation. Sometimes people aren't really paying attention to conversations and just mutter yes at what they think is appropriate times.

Butchyrestingface · 02/01/2019 12:07

@Teastory how can you be sure someone is gaslighting you and you haven't just forgotten the conversation?

I don't think anyone can be sure of anything since OP never returned. If this thread proceeds the way that many previous threads have done, it will eventually be removed on "privacy" grounds...

TeaStory · 02/01/2019 12:10

@sweeneytoddsrazor I know when someone tells me they know better than I do about my own experience or thoughts. Or when they change the words they’ve used within 5 minutes of using them. Or when I have proof that something has or had not happened. But this isn’t my thread so I’d rather we didn’t discuss this in depth here.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/01/2019 12:14

Crikey Bluntness any need t be so snippy? I was just saying that OP had never said he wanted the pictures on the altar as you'd said and I was asking if that was even allowed. But yeah, OK!

Pollypopit · 02/01/2019 12:22

Couldn't get passed the comment about him having a mental health assessment Hmm you can't just demand one! Having a tantrum is not enough to warrant a MH assessment. Always interesting to see the stupidity of people who think violent behaviour equals MH condition.

I would allow my DP to do this without question. All your family members will be there in person you will speak to them and hug them - maybe your DP wants to see their faces when he makes his vows? I think that is nice. Why didn't you discuss it instead of dismissing his ideas? Sounds like he's rightly annoyed at your lack of empathy for him - everyone's saying don't marry him but it seems like he's already considering that too.

Yabu

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 02/01/2019 12:30

In answer to what I think you're asking by extension:
No, it is not unreasonable at all of him not to want any of your family in attendance on the day. He's fully entitled to have a say in who or what is centre stage at his own wedding and of course he won't want a load of (currently alive) relatives taking the focus off him as the groom....

Throwing the laptop wasn't the most ideal of reactions, but you've said that it was totally out of character for a normally gentle, mild-mannered man.

He's devastated that his beloved family members won't be able to be there to share in his amazingly special day, so he had a nice, harmless little idea that would bring him a lot of comfort and you've told him how ridiculous, pathetic and selfish he is just for wanting a small memento and acknowledgement of his loved ones there. It's not like he's asked to haul in the coffins.

To him, it's as if you've said you'd like roses everywhere throughout the church, he's said he'd like a few carnation button-holes as well and you've suddenly responded as if he's outright demanded half a dozen venus fly-traps on every pew cushion.

He's never wanted to marry his parents and grandparents - they've never been a threat to you; but that doesn't mean he's not allowed to love them as well as you. Weddings are supposed to be about joining two existing families rather than a defiant act of disowning and replacing them.

If I were him, I'd be seriously reconsidering if you're really the person I thought you were and if I really want to marry you now at all.

AnoukSpirit · 02/01/2019 12:56

Did he "launch" his laptop across the room and then pick up a wine glass to smash and then "fuck off"? How far did the laptop fly? How many pieces is it in? Did it hit a wall?

Or did he, in shock at your cruelty, get up suddenly to leave, pushing the laptop he'd been using away from him, allowing it to fall and knocking a wine glass over in the process?

Just curious. Because if you're prepared to describe the loss of his whole immediate family as "a who's who of dead relatives" it makes me question your use of language elsewhere.

And frankly, if my fiancé had referred to my dead family members in the cruel way you did I wouldn't be marrying them anymore and wouldn't be all that interested in discussing it further.

Once someone shows you who they are goes both ways here. Why would he want to marry someone so cruel and selfish? If you did describe his reaction accurately then you have some thinking to do yourself.

ItsQuietTime · 02/01/2019 13:01

Guess the OP fucked off when MN didn't unanimously support her as being reasonable. 🙄

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 02/01/2019 13:02

I'm guessing his parents and DGPs have been dead for years and he barely talks about them and this devotion to them has come out of the blue. I suspect this is about control.
Another huge red flag.

You have absolutely no way of knowing if any of this is at all remotely true. Even if he does barely talk about them, that doesn't mean it’s because he doesn't care about them. Maybe he’s trying to be sensitive to his fiancée’s lack of interest in them (or trying to protect himself from being hurt) as he knows she just sees his departed loved ones as random ‘dead relatives’.

A wedding is a big deal. You may be able to cope well with the fact that your parents are no longer here to go shopping with you or to join you for a birthday meal at a restaurant – but your wedding ?

I agree with you about the control issue – I think she’s been doing it for so long that he’s learned to live with it as the norm, but when she wouldn't even let up just once for this one special symbolic moment, he refused to accept it any longer.

zippey · 02/01/2019 13:21

It’s not gaslighting - it’s either a misunderstanding or one of the two parties is lying. It sounds like a misunderstanding.

Gaslighting is an intensional act intended to cause psychological harm.

BlueUggs · 02/01/2019 13:29

Why don't you name each of the tables at your reception after a departed relative with a photo and an explanation of who they were and how much they mean you you?
My cousin did this and it was lovely.

Mia1415 · 02/01/2019 13:38

*Did he "launch" his laptop across the room and then pick up a wine glass to smash and then "fuck off"? How far did the laptop fly? How many pieces is it in? Did it hit a wall?

Or did he, in shock at your cruelty, get up suddenly to leave, pushing the laptop he'd been using away from him, allowing it to fall and knocking a wine glass over in the process?

Just curious. Because if you're prepared to describe the loss of his whole immediate family as "a who's who of dead relatives" it makes me question your use of language elsewhere.

And frankly, if my fiancé had referred to my dead family members in the cruel way you did I wouldn't be marrying them anymore and wouldn't be all that interested in discussing it further.

Once someone shows you who they are goes both ways here. Why would he want to marry someone so cruel and selfish? If you did describe his reaction accurately then you have some thinking to do yourself.*

THIS!!

Historydweeb · 02/01/2019 13:42

My best friend had tiny photos on beaded chains of her deceased parents. They were woven into her flowers. They were too small to see unless she showed you but to her, they meant everything. You might have dropped the ball on this one I'm sorry. I think you would be kind to reconsider his feelings

thornyhousewife · 02/01/2019 13:45

It doesn't take a genius to see that his deceased family is a source of great pain to him. Understandable tbh.

Can you fuck off the idea of a big wedding and elope?

Sashkin · 04/01/2019 06:26

If he wants something like this:

cdn.japantimes.2xx.jp/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/p18-brasor-pacifism-a-20160904.jpg

Then no that’s not really reasonable. It takes over the whole wedding and makes it about his grief, not your (plural) happy day. Although I know family members who would do this (everything is about their grief, even stuff that is about my grief is about their grief).

This kind of thing:

i.pinimg.com/originals/cc/fd/2a/ccfd2a56bf1a687fb3e4718a4b3fe6fc.jpg

Is far less overpowering. If he just wants a reminder of his family, hopefully you can work out a compromise.

If he wants his wedding to be a second memorial service for all his fallen ancestors, there won’t be any middle ground IME. I say that as somebody who has experienced a lot of bereavement since childhood so no I’m not giving him a pass on the melodrama - ok to the parents, but all 4 GPs? Really, he was that close to all of them?