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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Fiance losing the plot?

184 replies

GrouchEnd · 02/01/2019 05:27

Have been with DP for 8 years, have known him for a lot longer. Have never heard him so much as raise his voice. We were discussing wedding plans when he very casuslly mentioned getting photos printed and where we would have them at the ceremony and reception. He wants pictures of both his grandparents and his mother and father (all deceased) at the front of the alter, in full view of everyone taking centre stage. And somewhere at the reception. He says he told me about this, he defo didn't. Long story short when i objected to this he went absolutely mental, launched a laptop across the room, smashed a wine glass, and has fucked off. Not spoke to him since monday morning, ignoring all my calls. AIBU to want to have a say in what is centre stage at my own wedding? Did he over-react? I love him and he loves me, but i really do not a who's a who of dead relatives taking centre stage on our day. Any diplomatic resolutions?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 02/01/2019 06:19

His reaction was awful. I don't think it's a good idea to marry him when he sounds quite volatile

explodingkitten · 02/01/2019 06:22

How would you feel about getting martied without your parents present but with his side of the family? Because that is basically what you are asking of him. You have been very insensitive. He should get a say about his wedding too.

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 02/01/2019 06:27

It’s not uncommon to have photos in this situation.

Why are you marrying him if you don’t care for his feelings?

Aridane · 02/01/2019 06:50

I really don't think he should be marrying someone who shows such a casual disregard for what matters so deeply to him and his immediate deceased family

Devilishpyjamas · 02/01/2019 06:56

Clearly he is going to be missing his family enormously on the day. Wil he have any close family there? Any siblings?

Reaction not great but hard to tell from the description whether it was frustrated throwing things or more aggressive? I would feel differently about each of those.

Nodnol · 02/01/2019 06:58

His reaction was unacceptable but you were being an arsehole.

A compromise where the front row is left vacant with flowers on the seats maybe and then a table with photos at the reception may make him feel his family is with him.

Rudgie47 · 02/01/2019 07:01

Sounds like someone with mental health problems.
The photo idea is beyond weird and creepy. I've never heard of anything like that at a wedding. Its not a wake.
I think he needs a mental health assessment, it would be a big red flag to me, he sounds off his rocker.

Returnofthesmileybar · 02/01/2019 07:07

My work involves many many weddings, possibly 100 a year and this is hugely common. It's generally a side table and it this case would probably be two photos of both couples on their own wedding day. Often it's a memory table with a candle during the ceremony and at the reception it's very common to have them around the cake, this could include a photo of your parents and you guys on the day too so four nice frames around the cake. It's never centre stage and always tasteful. I think you are really cruel.

His reaction is a different story though. You were cruel but that was a very scary ott reaction and to not speak since Monday. I don't know, his first time, is there something else going on? Are his parents dead long? It's very strange, but I wouldn't be taking that lightly either

PirateWeasel · 02/01/2019 07:12

That is one intense reaction and one that would have me questioning whether the wedding should go ahead. Does he normally like this?

The photograph table isn't something that would have occurred to me at all to be honest. I've never seen it before at any weddings I've been to. I agree with PPs who say that a small table at the reception with a couple of old wedding photographs would be ample... having a big display at the altar seems OTT to me. Assuming you can resolve the fact that he threw things and walked out (definitely the bigger issue here in my view!) could you not suggest this as a compromise?

Rudgie47 · 02/01/2019 07:15

I wouldn't be marrying him either OP, if he can behave like that he can easily be violent to you, believe me.

OliviaStabler · 02/01/2019 07:16

AIBU to want to have a say in what is centre stage at my own wedding?

No but it isn't just your wedding, it is his too.

His reaction was way ott but clearly shows his strength of feeling if he never even raises his voice normally.

I don't think what he requested was odd at all and your objection to his request may make him rethink his desire to marry you if you cannot comprehend why he wants a representation of close family who have passed away to be included on his wedding day.

Diplomatic solutions? I'd wait until he has calmed down and then talk this through.

Aridane · 02/01/2019 07:18

Lol at the poster stating he must have a mental health condition!

mumof3dds · 02/01/2019 07:18

It's not just about you OP. His reaction is a worry but you are no better here

ILoveChristmasLights · 02/01/2019 07:18

i really do not a who's a who of dead relatives taking centre stage on our day

FMD. If that was your feelings about my Dad and GP’s I wouldn’t marry you either. You have just turned his world upside down by showing him that you’re not the person he thought you were. The least you can do is give him some space.

Deathraystare · 02/01/2019 07:21

Why don't you also include your relatives who have "passed on".

My Godson and his now Wife did this and I thought it a very nice touch to show people that though they were no longer with you, you remembered them. However, it was done tastefully in the venue on one of the tables as you walked into the dining area.

SenoritaViva · 02/01/2019 07:22

Yabu sbd insensitive. You could have discussed a compromise but no longer can.

His reaction was overly violent.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/01/2019 07:23

It doesn't matter if you were being a bit insensitive or selfish - a tantrum on this scale means you should seriously re-think marrying him. People who feel entitled to break things, storm off and give you the silent treatment never only do it once. Have you generally got into the habit of letting him have his own way over everything, because it's easier?

Consolidateyourloins · 02/01/2019 07:23

Ah so much minimising on this thread.

OP, there is never any excuse for aggressive behaviour.

And he is now sulking,

Two massive red flags.

I'm guessing his parents and DGPs have been dead for years and he barely talks about them and this devotion to them has come out of the blue. I suspect this is about control. Another huge red flag.

EdWinchester · 02/01/2019 07:25

His request is totally weird. It’s a wedding, not a memorial.

But he’s shown you he has a violent temper. No way would I marry someone that lashes out like that.

Butchyrestingface · 02/01/2019 07:28

Long story short when i objected to this he went absolutely mental, launched a laptop across the room, smashed a wine glass, and has fucked off. Not spoke to him since monday morning, ignoring all my calls.

Don't think I'd want to marry him until he's addressed his volatility. Are you sure you want to go through with this?

You, on t'other hand, appear to have all the sensitivity of a flying mallet. Probably your views on the undesirability of a "who's a who of dead relatives taking centre stage on our day" (nice, btw) came across during your "objections".

Do you usually call the shots in your relationship? I'm wondering if resentment on his part has been bubbling under the surface for a while, hence such an extreme reaction.

Even still, I'd be giving this wedding lark second thoughts if I were you. It certainly sounds like he is.

NRPDad · 02/01/2019 07:33

Wow. Just wow.

YANBU about wanting a say in your wedding. But considering you're not complaining about anything else to do with the wedding I assume you have had your say in pretty much everything else that you've had to plan.

YABVU to immediately dismiss the possibility of representation of your partners closest family being present at the wedding. You sound very insensitive.

As another commenter said, is it his inheritance from these relatives that is paying for this wedding? If so that makes your actions even worse.

He is being unreasonable with his reaction. But given you say you've never seen him even raise his voice, doesn't this tell you how important this is to him? You need to sit down and have a calm discussion. He needs to apologise. YOU need to apologise. You need to talk about and understand why this is important to him. If there is a compromise where these relatives can be represented in a less prominent way which pleases you both then brilliant. But I don't think his request is OTT in the first instance.

Fundays12 · 02/01/2019 07:34

Having lost a parent at quite a young age I can understand why your dp wanted this. Although I didn’t do it I did wear a small medal my father had left me pinned under the bottom of my dress. Sorry your being unreasonable most of his closest family are not there on one of the most important days of his life so this is his way of making him feel as if they are. It’s not just your wedding it’s his too so he needs a say in it too. Okay his response was too much but I think you hit a raw nerve. Have you lost a much loved parent? Because too be honest if you haven’t you can’t comprehend how hard it is but to loose both is far worse.

tryinganewname · 02/01/2019 07:37

I know loads of people who do things similar to this at weddings.. my bouquet had a framed photo of my deceased grandad attached to it.

How big do you think the frames are going to be - 4 dotted on some steps isn't going to take 'centre stage'.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 02/01/2019 07:38

I don't think it matters whether you're right or wrong on this. Breaking things and flying into a rage is a red flag, it's no way to behave. What happens next tome he doesn't get his way? I would not be marrying a man who was violent, no way.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 02/01/2019 07:39

I’ve been to a number of weddings where there has been a display of photos of departed loved ones. That’s normal and thoughtful.

My DP wants something rather more than that in memory of his parents though, and I’m not in agreement. He wants the top table set with two place settings that would then be left empty And I do think that is rather odd, leaving two gaps right in the middle of the row. I’d much rather have a picture (perhaps their own wedding photo) set to one end of that table, so it is still like they are “there”. It’s still under discussion.

However he hasn’t thrown anything or kicked off angrily. That would worry me more. I don’t think your fiancé is wrong to be upset, especially if you phrased it to him like you have done here. But a violent reaction to disagreement does not bode well for your relationship.