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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Fiance losing the plot?

184 replies

GrouchEnd · 02/01/2019 05:27

Have been with DP for 8 years, have known him for a lot longer. Have never heard him so much as raise his voice. We were discussing wedding plans when he very casuslly mentioned getting photos printed and where we would have them at the ceremony and reception. He wants pictures of both his grandparents and his mother and father (all deceased) at the front of the alter, in full view of everyone taking centre stage. And somewhere at the reception. He says he told me about this, he defo didn't. Long story short when i objected to this he went absolutely mental, launched a laptop across the room, smashed a wine glass, and has fucked off. Not spoke to him since monday morning, ignoring all my calls. AIBU to want to have a say in what is centre stage at my own wedding? Did he over-react? I love him and he loves me, but i really do not a who's a who of dead relatives taking centre stage on our day. Any diplomatic resolutions?

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 02/01/2019 07:39

You seriously said that to him OP?. Poor guy.

Enjoy your solo wedding - now it can be even more about YOU.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 02/01/2019 07:40

Are you marrying in a church? if so, I can't see the vicar/priest/minister agreeing to have photos on the altar, which after all is a sacred table - frankly it smacks of idolatry.

While I find the idea of a little memorial table at the reception reasonable and some of your phrasing rather off ('centre stage' and the dreaded 'our day' do make you sound as if you see your wedding as an extravaganza starring you, tbh, rather than as an entry into a solemn commitment), his throwing things around and sulking seems much more concerning. I'd wait until he contacts you and when he does make it clear you both need to sit down and have a very thorough and calm discussion - about the argument and how each of you responded (in particular him), not about photographs of parents.

Move2WY · 02/01/2019 07:44

I had a photo of my dad at my wedding.

So glad I married my dh who didn’t bat an eyelid. Just bought me a beautiful frame for the occasion.

You’re quite unkind imo

KoshaMangsho · 02/01/2019 07:49

It’s creepy to have photos of one’s parents?! It shows you have a mental health problem??

This from MN where once on a thread about moving abroad 95% of the people said they couldn’t live far from their mothers. And berated those who moved abroad. But hey a man wants photos of HIS mum and dad and he has a mental health condition?

Pachyderm1 · 02/01/2019 07:49

Regardless of the fact that it’s his wedding too and you should obviously accommodate something that is important to him - his reaction is totally unacceptable. He has responded with violence, and that’s a huge red flag. It doesn’t matter what the root cause of the dispute was. He has shown you that he will flip out and totally lose it. I would honestly reevaluate the whole relationship based on this.

zippey · 02/01/2019 07:52

A common thing in mumsnet is to say no and watch his or her reaction.

However in this case you were being very unkind to people he loved and have now died.

JustABetterPlayer · 02/01/2019 07:53

So his entire immediate family is dead and won’t be there to see his big day, but you objected to a few photos?

subspace · 02/01/2019 07:55

However I feel about photos on the altar, I can get over him throwing a laptop and breaking a wine glass, and now being not there and uncontactable. That's behaviour that would make me cancel the wedding.

MudCity · 02/01/2019 07:56

Small table at side of Church with candle / flowers and framed photograph.

Framed photo at reception on table where cards / gifts are placed or next to cake.

He is clearly upset that his close family members won’t be present which is understandable especially if your family will be there. His reaction, however, was dreadful and to not be communicating with you is out of order. No excuse for that.

BaeBae · 02/01/2019 07:57

I think organising weddings is so fraught with emotions/stress. It is a lot about the bride and less about the groom IMO. Let him have what makes him feel comfortable and happy! I don’t think his actions are a red flag, just frustration. You need to have a convo about that but he’s obviously feeling that something so important to him is being rejected. It’s his way of feeling like they will be there on the day and seems to me like that’s a lovely thing.

subspace · 02/01/2019 07:59

Meant to say I can't get over (his aggression)

It seems particularly OTT/cruel to be missing not speaking over new years eve.

Bluntness100 · 02/01/2019 08:05

Even if his parents and grandparents were alive they wouldn't be right at rhe alter, so there is no good reason for them to be up there dead.

A small rememberance table at the side is a nice idea and compromise.

However his aggression is not acceptable, nor his fucking off out of it. I'd probably speak to him, if you can that is, explain that even alive they wouldn't be at the alter, that's the bride and groom and that you have an alternate solution, but you wish to discuss his anger and reaction and it's not acceptable to you.

kalefire · 02/01/2019 08:07

Very possible he is rethinking the wedding thing and this is why he's gone silent. He needs time to figure out if he wants to be married to someone who cares so little about his feelings.

A who's who of dead relatives indeed.

thebadplace · 02/01/2019 08:08

Perhaps you have missed small clues while you plan your wedding that's clearly all about you. That he is v emotional about a wedding without his own close family being there ? Especially if your parents will be a big part and every time you mention them it just reminds him how alone he will be ?? This may have just been a build up and the last straw!

I couldn't bring myself to even contemplate a big wedding (eloped) without my darling mum who had passed away 10 years earlier.

PattiStanger · 02/01/2019 08:09

As it's so out of character why aren't you more concerned about what this might indicate.

Has he got others worries and this was the final straw?

The idea of photos isn't that unusual, I have no interest in wedding arrangements but even I know this is a thing.

Rudgie47 · 02/01/2019 08:10

@KoshaMangsho No hes wanting the wedding like a memorial with photos taking centre stage. Its bizarre and inappropriate. Its not just a discrete photo, and then he throws a violent rage smashing things when he doesn't get his own way.

If that's not a sign of mental health problems then I don't know what is.

Bluntness100 · 02/01/2019 08:10

Some harsh responses on here. Op, I fully understand your point and I suspect many lampooning you also do, few brides want thr actual alter decorated with photos of the dead in laws.

Ethel36 · 02/01/2019 08:11

He sounds aggressive. Do you really still want to get married?

MoreCheeseDear · 02/01/2019 08:15

He sounds very aggressive but then you sound staggeringly insensitive. Not a good match.

Oldbutstillgotit · 02/01/2019 08:15

My dearest friend died before any of her three daughters were married . They all had a beautiful framed photo of their Mum in a prominent place at their weddings . No one thought it morbid or inappropriate.

Fluffytheevil1 · 02/01/2019 08:16

My DM got married not long after losing both DP. She had a photo of both of them in her bouquet and it meant a lot to her so I can see why your DP would want photos of his family there. Not that his behaviour should be condoned because it’s unacceptable. However, it’s not only your wedding and if it means so much to him as it did my DM you need to compromise.

maxthemartian · 02/01/2019 08:17

People excusing him... both my parents are dead and I don't use it as an excuse to chuck laptops around.
I find the idea mawkish and can see why OP didn't like it. Why does everything have to be so showy and public now?

LadyGAgain · 02/01/2019 08:17

I don't think that 4 pictures is "taking centre stage". It's not a show. It's your wedding. Judging by his (very aggressive and badly handled) reaction that his family means a lot to him. I assume they helped shape him into the man you have chosen to marry. That should be enough. They should be there. All eyes will be on you if that helps. I actually don't understand the big deal to you. I do to him. If you love him you will respect that he wants to demonstrate that he would choose to have his mum and dad, and grandparents witness his marriage. Will your parents be there OP?

Butchyrestingface · 02/01/2019 08:23

He sounds very aggressive but then you sound staggeringly insensitive. Not a good match.

That was my view. But whilst I would have serious qualms about marrying a very insensitive person, I would run a fucking mile from someone who displays such violent bursts of temper and week long sulks as OP's fiance.

JennyHolzersGhost · 02/01/2019 08:24

You sound like a total princess.

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