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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have fallen out with my brother today

302 replies

Iswallowtoothpaste · 01/01/2019 17:09

My DB has a little girl’s whose just turned 2. We have a 5 YO DD who can be noisy, energetic and ever so slightly irritating at times but there’s no nastiness with her. She’s lovely and gentle with her little cousin.

My brother has been going through a hard time recently, he’s split with his GF who has gone back to her ex, fair enough, not the best of thugs to have to go through.

I’ve noticed recently that he’s been really quite short with DD. Sometimes it’s maybe called for example being if she’s getting in Dniece’s face a bit much but other times it feels like he’s snapping because he doesn’t like her.

If she tries to give him a cuddle he recoils - just recently I get the feeling that he absolutely dispises her.

Last week he’d snapped at her yet again so I’d snapped at him back and asked what his problem was. He said nothing and that he was just having a bad day so I reminded him that I wasn’t DD’s fault that he was having a bad day and that I wouldn’t dream of snapping at his little girl like that.

Today he came round again with DN. He changed her nappy as soon as he got here. DN was still laid on the floor and trying to pull her shoes off. DD went over and pulled her shoes off for her, we have a rule about no shoes in the house and DD was talking about this rule as she took the shoes off. My brother then walks back into the living room whilst DD is taking the shoes off and tells her to stop taking them off as he’s just put them back on. DD replies ‘but we have a rule that we’re not allowed to wear shoes isn’t thw house.’ I’m absolute mortified by what happened next, he grabbed my DD and plonked her down, pretty much from mid air with no care whatsoever, she stumbled back, didn’t hurt herself but it was the manner in which it was done. He had a face like thunder and it was quite aggressive like he couldn’t control his temper. He then snatched the shoes off DD and swore at her. I’ve told him to get out of our home. I wouldn’t dream of doing that to my own child never mind someone else’s.

I’m so upset for DD. After he’d gone she said ‘he hates me, doesn’t he?’

There’s no nastiness in her at all. She shares and plays nicely and is so gentle with younger children. Even her teachers have commented on how lovely she is with the younger children in the school.

I’m so upset and shocked by his behavior.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/01/2019 17:13

If he were my brother, he wouldn't cross my threshold ever again. He was physically and emotionally violent to a 5 year old child, FGS. What on earth is wrong with him?

Clearthinking · 01/01/2019 17:14

I would go crazy if my brother did that. That's horrible.

WilyMinx · 01/01/2019 17:14

YWDNBU! He sounds like an absolute thug, taking his anger out on a 5-year-old. Please don't expose your DD to him again. I'd be worried about your niece too. Hope your DD is okay now.

BrevilleTron · 01/01/2019 17:17

Brother or not he doesn't get to take his anger out on your 5 yr old DD. I'd hit the roof about this and he would no longer be welcome until an apology to DD was given. Your DD needs you to stand up for her. Please stand up for her

Happypie · 01/01/2019 17:17

Your DD was rude to argue with him but he was 100% wrong to react the way he did. I would not let him near her again.

Silkie2 · 01/01/2019 17:20

I don't like that she has already picked up that he appears not to like her. So she sussed this while you were still carrying on as if he was behaving acceptably. That must be horrid for her and for her self esteem. Make sure you talk about the situation together. He seems to be taking his anger over the situation and directing it at your DD. Make it clear to her it is not herbut is his anger at the mess he is in and that he won't be back for a long time.

selkiesolstice · 01/01/2019 17:20

Wow. Sounds like he thinks being a bully to a five year old is the default coping mechanism he was about to slip in to.

KC225 · 01/01/2019 17:21

Where were you when all this was happening? Why couldn't you have occupied your DD whilst your brother was changing his DD? He shouldn't have sworn at your DD but seriously, her taking off two olds shoes whilst he is changing is a bit much.

I am a but 'meh' about plonking her on a sofa - you should have done that or called her away. But my kids begged to have a 'bouncer' (thrown onto the sofa) at that age, so as you said she wasn't hurt.

Give it a couple of days, over a olive branch. Suggest meeting up at a soft play, somewhere neutral - buy him a coffee and lend an ear. Don't let this fester.

TidyDancer · 01/01/2019 17:21

What did he say when you told him to leave? You were absolutely right to do so btw, I just hope he's shown some remorse.

I have every sympathy for what he's going through but he doesn't have the right to fake it out on a child, it doesn't matter how annoying he finds the child.

TidyDancer · 01/01/2019 17:22

take it out on a child, is what I meant!

Silkie2 · 01/01/2019 17:24

Can I also say I flinch slightly when I hear how lovely/ helpful/ kind /supportive/ thoughtful someone's small DC. This is good but I wouldn't overvalue this in a child. You don't want a bully but they also need to learn to be assertive and able to get on in the world rather than everyelse's support.

knittedjest · 01/01/2019 17:25

I'm guesding from his perspective his daughter was happily lying on the floor minding her playing with her shoes and your daughter is standing over the top of her and pulling at her. He asks her to stop it and leave her alone and instead your daughter answers back and keeps doing it so he picked her up and moved her somewhere else away from his daughter?

KM99 · 01/01/2019 17:26

A grown man taking his temper out on a child. The mind boggles why his GF left him.

Does he have a temper generally? I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms to get his anger dealt with. What happens when his little one gets older?

Original poster
Iswallowtoothpaste · 01/01/2019 17:28

I don’t think that DD was being rude to him at all. She was right, we don’t wear shoes in the house, I wouldn’t have said she was arguing. I don’t want to raise a child whose terrified of addressing an adult whose in the wrong. It’s something we tell her time and again. Not rude and certainly no excuse to treat her the way he did!!

I’ve stood up for her by sending him on his way and telling him he’s not welcome in our home again.

I’ve spoken to her and told her that what he did was wrong and she won’t have to worry about this behaviour again.

@Silkie2 to be honest, it’s rare that we see him a great deal. We’ve seen him twice in the last 3 weeks and that’s a lot. Months can go by without us seeing him. As I mentioned, last week when he snapped, he was pulled up on it and his attitude changed for the rest of his visit. Everyone has off days but this was unacceptable today.

OP posts:
LavaLampLover · 01/01/2019 17:28

He doesn't come in the house again, and he doesn't see your daughter.

If he questions why, it's because she's understandably upset and thinks he hates her because of the physical and verbal abuse. Two things he should have a real think about because if he behaves like that with his own daughter, someone will be calling social services.

Neverunderfed · 01/01/2019 17:28

Yanbu.

PixieCutRegret · 01/01/2019 17:30

You did the right thing throwing him out OP. Your DD did nothing to deserve the treatment your brother gave her, what an arsehole. I would be tempted to report him to SS for the sake of your niece.

SPR1107 · 01/01/2019 17:31

The OP said her brother then walks BACK in to the room, meaning he had obviously finished changing her nappy.

The DD had obviously then gone over to her cousin. I see nothing wrong with this? This is surely normal behaviour for a 5 year old? So i don't understand posters saying she should have been asked to come away from the 2 year old?

I think it's also normal for a 5 year old to say shoes aren't allowed in the house. She's 5, it's her house, they're the rules she has to live by, so fully get why she questioned that in her mind, she has to do it but another person doesn't. I don't see that as answering back either.

The fact that a 2 year old had laid there and let her take her shoes off, shows that she wasn't being an annoyance... 2 year olds generally don't just lay there unless they want to.

What harm is taking some shoes off? His reaction was over the top, and I would've done exactly what you did OP!

Original poster
Iswallowtoothpaste · 01/01/2019 17:32

KC225 not whist he was changing her. Did you read the OP? He had already changed her and DN was trying to take her own shoes off so I guess DD decided to help her

OP posts:
Original poster
Iswallowtoothpaste · 01/01/2019 17:35

@KM99 no this is the thing he doesn’t usually have a temper which is why I’m so shocked. He’s always been very placid. He’s very over protective of DN.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 01/01/2019 17:36

Your brother was out of order. Your poor DD. Hope she’s ok.

Original poster
Iswallowtoothpaste · 01/01/2019 17:38

@Silkie2, DD was win assertive by telling my brother that we don’t wear shoes in the house! She is lovely with younger children and gentle and always has been but she can stand up for herself too!

OP posts:
Consolidateyourloins · 01/01/2019 17:38

You did well, OP. I feel sorry for his child.

couchparsnip · 01/01/2019 17:38

knitted jest you forgot the part where he got angry and swore at her.

notacooldad · 01/01/2019 17:39

To be honest those that are saying the child was wrong and focusing on her answering back are looking in the wrong place IMO.
I say this because the OP has said that DB has previously taken his mood out on her. This wasn't the first time something like this has happened.

I would have said at best the shoe business should have been a bit irritating at best but no need to swear at a child.

I am a but 'meh' about plonking her on a sofa - you should have done that or called her away. But my kids begged to have a 'bouncer' (thrown onto the sofa) at that age, so as you said she wasn't hurt.
I bet your kids don't beg for it to be done in bad temper, that a huge difference to having a bit of fun.