To have fallen out with my brother today

[Iswallowtoothpaste]

My DB has a little girl’s whose just turned 2. We have a 5 YO DD who can be noisy, energetic and ever so slightly irritating at times but there’s no nastiness with her. She’s lovely and gentle with her little cousin.

My brother has been going through a hard time recently, he’s split with his GF who has gone back to her ex, fair enough, not the best of thugs to have to go through.

I’ve noticed recently that he’s been really quite short with DD. Sometimes it’s maybe called for example being if she’s getting in Dniece’s face a bit much but other times it feels like he’s snapping because he doesn’t like her.

If she tries to give him a cuddle he recoils - just recently I get the feeling that he absolutely dispises her.

Last week he’d snapped at her yet again so I’d snapped at him back and asked what his problem was. He said nothing and that he was just having a bad day so I reminded him that I wasn’t DD’s fault that he was having a bad day and that I wouldn’t dream of snapping at his little girl like that.

Today he came round again with DN. He changed her nappy as soon as he got here. DN was still laid on the floor and trying to pull her shoes off. DD went over and pulled her shoes off for her, we have a rule about no shoes in the house and DD was talking about this rule as she took the shoes off. My brother then walks back into the living room whilst DD is taking the shoes off and tells her to stop taking them off as he’s just put them back on. DD replies ‘but we have a rule that we’re not allowed to wear shoes isn’t thw house.’ I’m absolute mortified by what happened next, he grabbed my DD and plonked her down, pretty much from mid air with no care whatsoever, she stumbled back, didn’t hurt herself but it was the manner in which it was done. He had a face like thunder and it was quite aggressive like he couldn’t control his temper. He then snatched the shoes off DD and swore at her. I’ve told him to get out of our home. I wouldn’t dream of doing that to my own child never mind someone else’s.

I’m so upset for DD. After he’d gone she said ‘he hates me, doesn’t he?’

There’s no nastiness in her at all. She shares and plays nicely and is so gentle with younger children. Even her teachers have commented on how lovely she is with the younger children in the school.

I’m so upset and shocked by his behavior.

@Iloveacurry she’s fine now, we’ve had a cuddle, a chat and read a book together. I’ve told her that her uncle was wrong to do what he did and that that was why he was asked to leave. I also told him that because of the way he’s made her feel, he won’t be comin back.

@KC225 where did I say he plonked her on the sofa?? He pretty much dropped her onto the floor! And why would I call her away, DN was smiling and giggling at her.

I suggest you re read my OP

YANBU OP, you did exactly the right thing. It's such a sad situation though... I hope there's a way your daughter will still be able to see her cousin?

I think you were absolutely right to kick him out and ìt sounds obvious that he dislikes your DD and that this has been brewing.

Yanbu ! Thank goodness that you stuck up for dd. To the posters saying that dd was being cheeky arguing she was simply trying to explain her mum has a no shoes rule

I would not value the opinion of any of the posters who are defending your brother manhandling and swearing at your daughter. I would not care of your daughter swore and hit her uncle, an adult should have the self control to not physically hurt and swear at a 5 year old when they are angry. your brother's behaviour was completely unacceptable regardless of what personal issues he's going through. Sounds like you have handled it well. What a shitty thing for him to do to your daughter. Extra hugs for her to reinforce to her how lovable she is. He needs to seriously apologise to you and your daughter before he is welcomed back in to your life and I would watch him like a hawk until he proves that he can be trusted to act appropriately.

I think you've over reacted to. KC225 and Knittedjest make good points.
You've 'banished your brother from the house' and 'he's never to come back again' because he got cross with your dd being annoying .

Have a word with him, yes. Ask him what is really bothering him, yes. Discuss (out of earshot of your dc) that you think he over reacted, yes. but 'banishing him for ever' is completely OTT.

Hopefully your brother will realise his behaviour was unacceptable and come back with an apology. He's quite possibly not in his right mind at the moment due to his relationship break-up. As long as he apologises and changes his behaviour, your relationship with him could be mended.

@Backforgood. ‘Banishing him forever’ isn’t anything I’ve written.

One of the posters I responded to obviously hadn’t even read the OP properly! And it wasn’t a case of just getting ‘cross’ he was aggressive too which is worrying and unacceptable.

Can’t believe some posters are trying to justify an ADULT manhandling and swearing at a 5yr old! It doesn’t matter WHAT she was doing, and OP has been clear that all she was doing was helping her 2yr old cousin take her shoes off.

YANBU OP. Hopefully this will give him food for thought and he’ll buck up his ideas, starting with an apology to your DD and you.

I think he owes your DD an apology.

You did the right thing, your brother behaved very badly. I realise he has his own demons to deal with shouldn't take it out on an innocent child.

All I can hope is that he gets some help and changes his thinking.

Bless you though .

@hendal exactly, I wonder how those posters picking my 5 YO DD to bits would react if someone did this to their DC over something so trivial.

Well done OP for taking this seriously and standing up for your little daughter.

Yanbu and I would ignore the posters saying your DD was being annoying. I have an annoying DN who ignores everything you say, think hugging DS when he’s trying to walk away/ pick him up when he’s not that much smaller than her. She has many times taken DS’ shoes off to help him and that’s fine.
However, my way of dealing with her being annoying is to go away and make a cup of tea. Not pick her up and throw her down. Or even sweat at her, I have raised my voice when what she has been doing is dangerous the same as I would and have done for my DS.

Grr autocorrect is annoying clearly I was saying swear above.

He over reacted and was out of order.
But in telling your Dd that he will never come back, that you will be NC with your brother, and presumably she will never see her cousin again, you have also over-reacted.

Your brother is under great emotional pressure, you said yourself he isn’t normally like this. Your Dd was a bit irritating, taking off the shoes when he has been putting them on.

He shouldn’t have been rough, or sworn at her. Challenging him and suggesting he leave until he can not take his feelings out on 5 year olds, fine.

But are you really going to not see your brother or neice again?

Your brother doesn’t sound very nice. I think some people with younger children just see the older child by a few years and should know better when in reality your dd is little more than a baby herself.

This story is pretty familiar actually. My dd has a younger cousin. Once my dd reached a certain age, sil started complaining about dd. Her child is only little, you know. He can’t know these things, you know. Then a few years later when he reached the age dd was when sil started moaning about dd, he was obviously still little.

Reports came back through my mother of how my dd was naughty for behaving in a certain way. My mother then told me I needed to get dd under control otherwise she’d be a handful for which she received short shrift. Yes, dd was excited but it was all age appropriate stuff and of course a few years on dd isn’t the unruly child predicted by my mother.

We are nc with sil after she screamed at dd. As in totally lost it. All dd did was cry about a toy during a very difficult and emotional day when it was sils job to support the family. Not make a family member and young child cry.

I imagine the older child should know better is what is coming into play. Your dd didn’t do anything wrong by parroting off the family rules. It wasn’t adversarial. More a statement of fact. You are totally doing the right thing. Your brother acted dreadfully. I certainly wouldn’t be meeting up in a soft play.

My Christ, if my brother did that to my DC I would bounce the little prick into next week! Good on you OP for standing up for you DD and for not punching him square in the jaw!

NC until he can apologise to you and your DD!

I would say that the fact that he appears not to like your DD is reason enough alone to cut contact with him, let alone the behaviour he's displayed today! Your DD will pick up on the fact that her uncle doesn't like her and it will affect her self esteem.

Fucking hell its like the twilight zone in here at times!

It's not the first time the OP's twat of a brother has been like this and he definitely went too far this time. No excuse for it. Those who are defending him are complete twats too!

My brothers would walk over hot coals for my dc. They would defend them until their last breath. I would do the same for my lovely niece & nephew.

Your brother was totally in the wrong and you were totally right to show your daughter that no one gets to treat her this way.

Your brother has anger issues - and needs to be careful that his doesn’t get this angry again with any child.

Speak to time - explain you are concerned. But your primary responsibility is to your daughter - no unsupervised access for this hot head!!

@Happypie the dd didn't argue. She explained what she was doing.

@SPR1107

Totally agree with your post.