To have fallen out with my brother today

[Iswallowtoothpaste]

My DB has a little girl’s whose just turned 2. We have a 5 YO DD who can be noisy, energetic and ever so slightly irritating at times but there’s no nastiness with her. She’s lovely and gentle with her little cousin.

My brother has been going through a hard time recently, he’s split with his GF who has gone back to her ex, fair enough, not the best of thugs to have to go through.

I’ve noticed recently that he’s been really quite short with DD. Sometimes it’s maybe called for example being if she’s getting in Dniece’s face a bit much but other times it feels like he’s snapping because he doesn’t like her.

If she tries to give him a cuddle he recoils - just recently I get the feeling that he absolutely dispises her.

Last week he’d snapped at her yet again so I’d snapped at him back and asked what his problem was. He said nothing and that he was just having a bad day so I reminded him that I wasn’t DD’s fault that he was having a bad day and that I wouldn’t dream of snapping at his little girl like that.

Today he came round again with DN. He changed her nappy as soon as he got here. DN was still laid on the floor and trying to pull her shoes off. DD went over and pulled her shoes off for her, we have a rule about no shoes in the house and DD was talking about this rule as she took the shoes off. My brother then walks back into the living room whilst DD is taking the shoes off and tells her to stop taking them off as he’s just put them back on. DD replies ‘but we have a rule that we’re not allowed to wear shoes isn’t thw house.’ I’m absolute mortified by what happened next, he grabbed my DD and plonked her down, pretty much from mid air with no care whatsoever, she stumbled back, didn’t hurt herself but it was the manner in which it was done. He had a face like thunder and it was quite aggressive like he couldn’t control his temper. He then snatched the shoes off DD and swore at her. I’ve told him to get out of our home. I wouldn’t dream of doing that to my own child never mind someone else’s.

I’m so upset for DD. After he’d gone she said ‘he hates me, doesn’t he?’

There’s no nastiness in her at all. She shares and plays nicely and is so gentle with younger children. Even her teachers have commented on how lovely she is with the younger children in the school.

I’m so upset and shocked by his behavior.

@Blatherskite I realise that, I live in a rural area, and although I myself don't live on a farm, many here do (average acreage tends to be between 40 and 120 acres) and none of them that I know have animals roaming by the house. That would be too dangerous and I'm sure against council regulations. Most are housed in paddocks, not near the house. And all the houses either have a path that people drive up in their 4WD or car, or at least a foot path to the door. If it was prone to mud there would be a regulation to have some type of established footpath leading to the house. I understand countries differ though.

Then this is outside of your experience @SalemBlackCat4 and you should stop trying to make it work by your rules.

OP your brother behaved like a total dickhead and you are right to be angry at him .

Also I think people who DON'T take their shoes off, or at least offer to, when visiting someone's home are extremely rude... whether it's a farm house or city centre top floor apartment, guests shouldn't assume they can traipse their shoes that they been walking around outside in around someone's home. If you know you're visiting someone, wear decent socks or ensure your feet are clean! So I agree with you on that too!

He shouldn't have sworn but it is really annoying when a child thinks that they know better than an adult. (I'm trying to see his side). Perhaps you think that your daughter is really helpful but other people would find her bossy and interfering. He would find it very difficult to say so.

I'd certainly not be inviting your brother back until he shows that he understand that what he did was wrong and apologises to you and her. No matter what a 5 year old does, there is no excuse for throwing her around.

Ffs @Iswallowtoothpaste I'm getting angered on your behalf. Are posters missing the fact that you are talking about a 5 YEAR OLD?!

You never asked wether your no shoe rule was unreasonable so not sure why people are pulling that apart

I feel so sorry for your DD , makes me feel a bit sick that someone could be so nasty to an innocent little girl. I think you've handled it excellently and taught your DD that she has every right to be respected. I'm all for children respecting adults but they also need to know that adults can not treat them whatever way they like and that adults can be wrong too.

Hope your DD is ok now and has a good day

He shouldn't have sworn but it is really annoying when a child thinks that they know better than an adult. (I'm trying to see his side). Perhaps you think that your daughter is really helpful but other people would find her bossy and interfering. He would find it very difficult to say so.

What a hideous attitude. And she did know better, and it was her house.

Besides, he's a grown up. Apparently.

@tinyme77 so he’d find it difficult to tell her she was being annoying? He certainly didn’t find it difficult to manhandle her. If a woman is irritating her husband would it be ok for him to manhandle and swear at her? No, she’s be getting told to LTB so what on earth makes this ok for a grown adult man to do this to a 5 YO?

SalemBlackCat4, you evidently have no idea! There’s no posh barn conversions, new landrovers and concreted paths here. It’s not a show farm it’s a working one. I’ll show you the view out of our living room window in a moment.

LOL @SalemBlackCat4. I think you need some help with your foot/germ phobia.

I worry that some people still view a 5 year old explaining her actions to be 'backchat'. What on earth is that anyway? If I ask a child not to do something and they respond by politely explaining why they are doing it (as the OP's DD did) I have a choice. I can either repeat my request letting them know that their explanation doesn't change the situation or I can change my mind, accept their reasoning and allow them to continue. It doesn't matter whether that child is 3, 10 or 18.

Anyone who can't cope with a 5 year old offering an explanation for their actions is clearly in need of little power-trips to maintain their sense of superiority.

It is perfectly acceptable for a child of any age to offer information to an adult that they think may be unknown or have been forgotten to clarify a situation when given an instruction. Blind, unquestioning obedience isn't something we should teach any child.

OP, I think you've done the right thing. Your DB clearly dislikes your DD, probably for reasons unconnected with her behaviour, and doesn't have the maturity to conceal it or the self-control to manage his anger. You need to teach your DD that she shouldn't tolerate abusive behaviour. That will set her up for healthy future relationships.

I hope your DB has the self-control not to treat his own DD like this.

@SalemBlackCat4 where I’m from farmers don’t have their animals roaming around the houses.

Welcome to where I’m from

You're absolutely spot on about if this was 2 adults.

That's why whatever your dd was doing there's NO EXCUSE for his behaviour.

However it doesn't need to be the end. But he has to accept he needs help.

Omg OP can i come live in your house?! That would be pretty bloody awesome! And yes that is what most of the farms here are like...fenced off paddocks happen at posh stables not working farms. Cattle grids were invented for a reason!

Your DD knows the house rules. They are non-negotiable in her eyes, which is right. She wasn't being a know it all, she was being factual.
And even if she was trying to dictate that your brother walk a tightrope backwards with no clothes on, he STILL had no right to physically manhandle her. End of story on that one afaic

@Pissedoffdotcom we’re very lucky she’s my favourite, it’s quite romantic really, shes an old girl and was my grandads cow, he had to sell her when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer 11 years ago. We lost him 11 years ago this month. We saw her name in a market catalogue 2 years ago and she was my grandads so we bought her back! She’s a bit of a pet!

SalemBlack Cat seems rather obsessed with feet on a thread about a grown man behaving aggressively toward a 5 year old girl. For the second time. Quite odd and inappropriate, really.

Your brother was completely out of order, OP, and you were right to make him leave immediately. I wouldn't tolerate a man treating me in this manner. Why on earth should a 5 year old child have to put up with it? The size difference alone is frightening to think of if he has such a loose hold on his temper over such a trivial matter.

I suspect you won't be happy after talking to him. You've already talked to him once about his behaviour, but on his very next meet up with you he loses the plot again? With a 5 year old? Over nothing? He may well be stressed and angry with the world, but there's really no excuse. And you know he CAN control himself because you say he's overprotective of his own daughter ... but can't extend the same courtesy to her 5 year old cousin. Not good.

OP, I was going to stop replying on here, but a working farm does not have animals roaming near a house. Only a hobby/show farm would.
Dangerous animals like horses or bulls who could harm an adult or kill a child are not allowed, by LAW, near a residence. They are in a paddock. This, is just common sense. Would you have a bull that could ram and kill just, you know, roaming by your front door where your child could come across them? Actually please don't answer. I really don't want to know. And who said anything about 'new' landrovers? Where I live, the driveways to these properties are so steep and rough, you need a landrover to get there! I should know, when visiting a friend I lost a hubcap off my small hatchback driving up her rocky and rough driveway. Most farmers here have them because it is the only way to get up their property. But, they do have a path from the end of the driveway to their house. It would never occur to me that anyone wouldn't. Shrugs

@Iswallowtoothpaste I only just saw your picture. Wow! Beautiful hillside. Aren't you worried though about your child's safety? An animal butting a window? Large animals like that are dangerous, I cannot believe you are just allowed to have them roaming near the house like that! What country do you live in, where that would even be allowed? That is a lawsuit waiting to happen, or a deathwish at the very least! No, genuinely, what country are you in?

@SalemBlackCat where did I say anything about a bull? The yard is gated where the cows are but still muddy between the gate and the house. We did have a cow put her arse through MIL’s porch window once though.

It’s not like DD can just open a door and there’s cows everywhere. That window is the only one on that side of the house that faces out to that particular field.

With 100 head of cattle and 950 sheep at last count I’d hardly say we were a hobby farm but you’re obviously so knowledgeable, we must be doing it all wrong.

@salem are you seriously now telling op what kind of farm she has?

No when our house and MIL’s are the only ones on the farm 🙄

The shoes indoors thing is irrelevant.

She's 5.

He's an adult.

He could've and should've, dealt with the situation in numerous different ways.

OP YANBU.

He needs to apologise. His behaviour could cause serious damage to your relationship, and make your daughter feel uneasy whenever she is in his company. He needs to change his ways. Your daughter needs to carry on being a 5 year old!

I'd best tell all the WORKING farms round here they are breaking the law, i'm sure they will hop to erecting wooden fences immediately 🙄 and yeah i'm in the UK.

OP that is a ridiculously romantic story, i love it! What a little twist of good luck. Haha made me go a bit goey inside

@Goldmandra I see. So I am the one with a phobia, and not those demanding people take off their shoes as Hyacinth Bucket does? Right.

What a fab cow.

I can’t believe some of the bile and vitriol being spewed on this thread, but after so many years on MN I really shouldn’t be surprised. There are some sad fuckers here.

OP you did absolutely the right thing.

I used to visit a farm every day as a carer that had goats lolling about. Was pretty awesome. Can still recall the farm hand cursing a goat for eating his lunch...we'd not bolted the front door properly 😂

It's pictures like that make make me fondly remember my holidays to Dorset.

Roaming cliffs In between the cows!