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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have fallen out with my brother today

302 replies

Iswallowtoothpaste · 01/01/2019 17:09

My DB has a little girl’s whose just turned 2. We have a 5 YO DD who can be noisy, energetic and ever so slightly irritating at times but there’s no nastiness with her. She’s lovely and gentle with her little cousin.

My brother has been going through a hard time recently, he’s split with his GF who has gone back to her ex, fair enough, not the best of thugs to have to go through.

I’ve noticed recently that he’s been really quite short with DD. Sometimes it’s maybe called for example being if she’s getting in Dniece’s face a bit much but other times it feels like he’s snapping because he doesn’t like her.

If she tries to give him a cuddle he recoils - just recently I get the feeling that he absolutely dispises her.

Last week he’d snapped at her yet again so I’d snapped at him back and asked what his problem was. He said nothing and that he was just having a bad day so I reminded him that I wasn’t DD’s fault that he was having a bad day and that I wouldn’t dream of snapping at his little girl like that.

Today he came round again with DN. He changed her nappy as soon as he got here. DN was still laid on the floor and trying to pull her shoes off. DD went over and pulled her shoes off for her, we have a rule about no shoes in the house and DD was talking about this rule as she took the shoes off. My brother then walks back into the living room whilst DD is taking the shoes off and tells her to stop taking them off as he’s just put them back on. DD replies ‘but we have a rule that we’re not allowed to wear shoes isn’t thw house.’ I’m absolute mortified by what happened next, he grabbed my DD and plonked her down, pretty much from mid air with no care whatsoever, she stumbled back, didn’t hurt herself but it was the manner in which it was done. He had a face like thunder and it was quite aggressive like he couldn’t control his temper. He then snatched the shoes off DD and swore at her. I’ve told him to get out of our home. I wouldn’t dream of doing that to my own child never mind someone else’s.

I’m so upset for DD. After he’d gone she said ‘he hates me, doesn’t he?’

There’s no nastiness in her at all. She shares and plays nicely and is so gentle with younger children. Even her teachers have commented on how lovely she is with the younger children in the school.

I’m so upset and shocked by his behavior.

OP posts:
quizqueen · 01/01/2019 18:29

Was the GF, the one he had split up recently, the mother of his child. If so, maybe you now have some inkling of why she left!

Happypie · 01/01/2019 18:36

If I asked a 5 year old to leave my toddlers shoes alone, the 5 year old should leave my toddlers shoes alone, not quote house rules at me. The 5 year old was rude and the uncle was completely out of order.

I think the OP was right to throw him out but should also consider telling her Dd not to lecture adults and to do as she is told.

Original poster
Iswallowtoothpaste · 01/01/2019 18:36

@quizqueen, no, a completely different girl. To be fair, his DD’s mum cheated on him and is an alcoholic. He left as he’d had enough but he’d been very obsessive over his new GF, constantly wanting to text and ring her. I think she felt as though he didn’t trust her so she ended it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iswallowtoothpaste · 01/01/2019 18:38

@Happypie rules are rules. As far as DD was concerned she was helping her cousin who was struggling to take her shoes off. She had already taken them off when my brother grabbed her and dropped her onto the floor. DD was not being rude!

OP posts:
IncyWincyGrownUp · 01/01/2019 18:45

Happy

Brother should have tried listening instead of being an arse. Children can be right, much tonsome people’s amazement.

Yabbers · 01/01/2019 18:51

I don’t want to raise a child whose terrified of addressing an adult whose in the wrong.
At 5 years old, she can’t determine if an adult is in the wrong. The rule of no shoes in the house doesn’t apply to babies, surely? It sure as heck wouldn’t apply to mine who had orthopaedic shoes and couldn’t walk without them. Does the 2 year old have their shoes removed every time they come? She may have had her reasons for doing what she did but that doesn’t mean he was wrong and she should be rude to him. It’s hard to know if he was rough with her as you say she wasn’t hurt and certainly you need to address his problem with her but if any 5 year old talked back to me like that, wouldn’t be happy. DD is 9 and challenges adults just fine, she certainly didn’t do it when she was 5.

ohfourfoxache · 01/01/2019 18:53

You did the right thing. There wouldn’t be a snowflake’s chance in hell he’d be welcome again in my home.

I am very concerned about your niece though - is there anyone who can intervene on her behalf?

MyDobermanIsABeaut1 · 01/01/2019 19:04

YANBU. I don't care what your brother is going through he should not have spoken to or manhandled your DD the way he did. Well done for sticking up for your DD and making your brother leave.

Years ago when DD1 was 2 and DD2 was a babe in arms my brother showed up at my house unannounced (we didn't have the type of relationship where we just turned up at a family members house without a text or phone-call etc). However, I still put the kettle on and we had just sat down with a cuppa when DD1 walked past, literally walked past my brother and he growled at her ............ yes, a fucking growl, the look on his face while looking at DD1 was horrific. I absolutely lost my fucking shit with him, long story short he was told to fuck off and never come back.

A short while later I got a phone call from my mother, who was very angry with me, saying that DD had touched my brothers mobile phone and that DD1 should know better! DD1 never even looked at my brother never mind touched anything of his (I witnessed it all), even if she had so fucking what! Needless to say I am now NC with my brother and mother (and my father as he is a gutless coward too). There are many other reasons why we are NC, but this was the straw that broke the camels back.

Just because they are a child doesn't mean that a 'grown up' can treat them badly, if the 'grown up' wouldn't do it to an adult they shouldn't do it to a child and anyone who is 'apologising' for your brothers actions are just as fucking bad as he is!

Adults should know better, regardless of what shit they have going on they don't get to take it out on anyone else let alone a child.

KC225 · 01/01/2019 19:06

As you have pulled me up TWICE in two separate posts, can I just suggest that YOU also go back and read your original post as you mentioned him plonking your daughter down. I was using YOUR wording.

cushioncuddle · 01/01/2019 19:13

Can you talk to your B

What he did was wrong there's no excuse. However you maybe in a position to ask him why he acted the way he did , discuss his temper or attitude.

It would be a shame to not get to the bottom of his behaviour and to help him accept his anger issues.

Original poster
Iswallowtoothpaste · 01/01/2019 19:17

@KC225 you insinuated that he’s plonked her down onto a sofa. He plonked her onto the floor. Nothing about a sofa was mentioned anywhere. You also said that DD was taking DN’s shoes off whilst my brother was changing her nappy when it clearly said in my OP that she was taking her shoes off as my brother walked back into the room Hmm

OP posts:
notacooldad · 01/01/2019 19:17

@KC225 where did I say he plonked her on the sofa??

Opening postI’m absolute mortified by what happened next, he grabbed my DD and plonked her down, pretty much from mid air with no care whatsoever, she stumbled back

Original poster
Iswallowtoothpaste · 01/01/2019 19:18

@cushioncuddle, I’ll try and ring him when I’ve got DD to bed and see what’s going on with him.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 01/01/2019 19:19

Sorry I posted go soon.
I think thats where the confusion has comw from.

Original poster
Iswallowtoothpaste · 01/01/2019 19:19

@notacooldad I used the word plonked, fair enough but I didn’t say anywhere that she’d been plonked onto the sofa which insinuates a sofa landing. She was plonked onto the floor. That’s what I was getting at.

OP posts:
artisanscotcheggs · 01/01/2019 19:20

I'd have gutted him.

Original poster
Iswallowtoothpaste · 01/01/2019 19:20

*soft landing. Damn auto correct!

OP posts:
Original poster
Iswallowtoothpaste · 01/01/2019 19:21

@ohfourfoxache she’s back at her granny’s house now, she doesn’t stay over night with my brother.

OP posts:
SalemBlackCat4 · 01/01/2019 19:22

Okay, mixed response from me, and I am certain my response won't be liked, but here it is.

" rules are rules."

That is a very black and white and rigid way of thinking about things, very uptight and very unreasonable. Would you force an old person who has arthritis and problems bending over who took effort to put get their shoes on, to take them off again, only to then put them on again when they leave? Goodness gracious! I despise people who ask you to take off their shoes, and would never have someone like that as a friend. Not only because it is very obnoxious and rude, but I always think it is disgusting, think about it, your feet sweat and you are going to drag your foot sweat and odor on my carpet. No thank you! Shoes are much more hygienic, the outsides of the shoe doesn't contain sweet or odor, unless he has walked in mud, the outside of a shoe is far cleaner than bare feet rubbing sweat, skin cells and odor on my carpet. So it is unhygienic to have your shoes off, as well as an obnoxious and rude thing to ask of people. I would say to people I will thank you for leaving your shoes ON, thank you very much! I don't want dirty sweaty bare feet on the carpet.

Admittedly as soon as I saw your description of your daughter, I could tell she was perhaps a bit of a handful, I think parents forget that not everyone thinks a noisy and over-energetic child is lovely and some people find that behaviour irritating. I have come across parents who downplay their child's behaviour like that and wave it away as innocuous, and the child is certainly more irritating and rude mannered and undisciplined than their mother sees them and generally the mother sees no need to discipline said child or even attempt to train them out of it. Pulling at someone else's shoes is rudeness brought on by the rudeness of the rule itself, which lends itself to that behaviour which she replicated. If she was asked to help, that would be one thing, but to just go over to someone, even a 2 year old, and pull at their shoes without asking permission is rude behaviour. I also think that exceptions can be made for a 2 year old child, for heaven's sake! Common sense has to come into play here, also for the elderly. For all we know, her father is trying to teach her to keep her shoes on, and his uptight sister with her strange rules is trying to undo that. That would be enough to frustrate me as a parent, as we all know how hard it can be to get children to even keep shoes on for 5 minutes.

Your brother has serious anger issues and I would not want him around my child either. At least not until he apologised to myself and my child for his abusive behaviour. So I agree with not having him around. However it seems like your daughter's behaviour might irritate even the most mild-mannered and tolerant person.

2019already · 01/01/2019 19:22

You acted protectively to
Your DD OP. You absolutely did the right thing.

Tutlefru · 01/01/2019 19:26

Be prepared to be told what a rude child you have OP! Hmm

Your DD was helping her cousin.

Children that age are literal. Of course she would say you don’t wear shoes because presumably that’s what she’s been taught.

Your brother needs to grow up.

But yeah only on MN are children not allowed to disagree with an adult.

Far too rude! Hmm

BackforGood · 01/01/2019 19:26

@Backforgood. ‘Banishing him forever’ isn’t anything I’ve written.

Not the actual word 'banish', but you wrote:

I’ve stood up for her by sending him on his way and telling him he’s not welcome in our home again.

from which I suspect I'm not the only one who inferred that meant he was banished from your home for ever ??? If that isn't what you meant, perhaps you could explain the difference to me ?

Original poster
Iswallowtoothpaste · 01/01/2019 19:27

@Yabbers I wouldn’t even call it talking back. It’s just something we do! It’s a house rule and we take our shoes off.

My niece always takes her shoes off when she’s here. I’m not sure why my brother put them back on after changing her to be honest and she isn’t a baby! She’s a toddler. There’s a big difference. My niece doesn’t wear orthopaedic shoes so that’s irrelevent.

Whenever I go to someone’s home I take my shoes off, especially in carpeted areas. It’s called respecting people’s homes.

No my DD wasn’t hurt but she easily could’ve been and that’s not really the point. You do not grab someone else’s child and drop them. Ever. No matter what.

So it’s ok for your 9 YO to challenge adults but if your 5 YO were to do it, it would be rude? That’s really doesn’t me any sense to me, yes, she’s young but she’s not stupid!

OP posts:
carr1e1977 · 01/01/2019 19:29

I’m truly baffled by those having a go at your child. Regardless of what she did/didn’t do (baring in mind she is 5 ffs!) he is an adult and there is no excuse for losing his temper at her. Totally unacceptable
Oh and I call BS on shoes being kept on as more hygienic for the home. Really?! Have you seen UK pavements?!!

OP you did the right thing and anyone who thinks a 5 year old is responsible for an adult losing his tempered is just bizarre

cees · 01/01/2019 19:30

Your brother is being an arse, you did nothing wrong.