To have fallen out with my brother today

[Iswallowtoothpaste]

My DB has a little girl’s whose just turned 2. We have a 5 YO DD who can be noisy, energetic and ever so slightly irritating at times but there’s no nastiness with her. She’s lovely and gentle with her little cousin.

My brother has been going through a hard time recently, he’s split with his GF who has gone back to her ex, fair enough, not the best of thugs to have to go through.

I’ve noticed recently that he’s been really quite short with DD. Sometimes it’s maybe called for example being if she’s getting in Dniece’s face a bit much but other times it feels like he’s snapping because he doesn’t like her.

If she tries to give him a cuddle he recoils - just recently I get the feeling that he absolutely dispises her.

Last week he’d snapped at her yet again so I’d snapped at him back and asked what his problem was. He said nothing and that he was just having a bad day so I reminded him that I wasn’t DD’s fault that he was having a bad day and that I wouldn’t dream of snapping at his little girl like that.

Today he came round again with DN. He changed her nappy as soon as he got here. DN was still laid on the floor and trying to pull her shoes off. DD went over and pulled her shoes off for her, we have a rule about no shoes in the house and DD was talking about this rule as she took the shoes off. My brother then walks back into the living room whilst DD is taking the shoes off and tells her to stop taking them off as he’s just put them back on. DD replies ‘but we have a rule that we’re not allowed to wear shoes isn’t thw house.’ I’m absolute mortified by what happened next, he grabbed my DD and plonked her down, pretty much from mid air with no care whatsoever, she stumbled back, didn’t hurt herself but it was the manner in which it was done. He had a face like thunder and it was quite aggressive like he couldn’t control his temper. He then snatched the shoes off DD and swore at her. I’ve told him to get out of our home. I wouldn’t dream of doing that to my own child never mind someone else’s.

I’m so upset for DD. After he’d gone she said ‘he hates me, doesn’t he?’

There’s no nastiness in her at all. She shares and plays nicely and is so gentle with younger children. Even her teachers have commented on how lovely she is with the younger children in the school.

I’m so upset and shocked by his behavior.

@Salemblackcat4. We live on a farm, you have to walk down a muddy yard to get to our front door. Hence why I ask people to take their shoes off. If we were in a town house with a tarmac drive then fair enough but we’re not so sick covered feet are preferable.

I’m under no illusion that my DD isn’t perfect, can be excitable etc but she’s by no means unruly, nasty or rude as is being insinuated on here by people who don’t even know her.

*sock covered 🤦‍♀️

I think your DB was very wrong & I think you've handled things very well. I hope he'll give you both an apology.

I just wanted to put across a similar situation from my perspective. I have a nephew - he was five when my first wsd was born. He has always been very, very interested in babies & lavishs all his attention on them. After I had my DS, I found it very hard to be around him. His parents NEVER intervened and I felt he was far too enthusiastic with my new born. Seeing him caused me huge anxiety and although I would gently try to ask him to back off, he'd be all over DS within minutes. His parents never, ever said a word just smiled benignly and must have thought he was being really cute. He would be so far bent over DS's pram, he'd be halfway inside.

Both me & DH would be very anxious about it. Constantly on alert. Even now, I have DD (21 months), she absolutely loves him and he's as enthuas ever (9 yrs old now) and a little easier to ask for space, but I have be very watchful because although he's so lovely & it comes from a place of love, he's very exuberant and overwhelming so it's hard going.

Again, I do not condone your DB's behaviour (particularly being physically abusive & swearing) towards you DD, but perhaps he's suffering from anxiety or depression, in light of recent events, and is feeling overwhelmed and lashed out - no excuse but perhaps he deserves a call to discuss what happened.

I'm sorry but I can't understand any one in their right mind would focus on apportioning even part of the blame on to a 5 yo - answering back, being rude, pulling off the 2yos shoes etc - even if that was the case, nothing, absolutely NOTHING excuses the uncle's behaviour and his treatment of a small girl. Forcibly grabbing her up, plonking her down, swearing at her - inexcusable. It doesn't matter if the OP is "uptight" about no shoes in the house rule (perfectly reasonable imho) if the daughter is boisterous, a "bit of a handful", or "interfering" with her cousin, as some people have suggested, the OP was not overreacting, and absolutely made the right decision in making her brother leave.

@SalemBlackCat4 I think you’re ‘uptight and strange’ for ‘despising’ people who ask you to take your shoes off when you enter their home.

So, unstable and potentially violent to a child - I would consider whether he should be looking after his own child?

It will be interesting to hear what he has to say. What is your general relationship with him like? Would you say this is totally out of character or are you not really surprised.

@Iswallowtoothpaste

It’s not about being stupid, it’s about being too young to understand nuance.

You may not think those here have a good idea of how wonderful your DD is, but your brother presumably does know her and clearly doesn’t think she is as wonderful as you do.

He was wrong.
You shouldn't have to keep explaining yourself op.

I think you absolutely did the right thing. Your DB should never have done that regardless of your DC comment (which I think was a justified comment). If my DB did that to my DD ..... I'd go mental.

You are teaching your DC that you are on her side when an adult is in the wrong, something my DM never did, and I think that is very very important.

@Yulebealright I’m quite surprised. We have a good relationship usually. This will be the first time in our adult lives that we’ve fallen out although we don’t see each other a huge amount.

@Yabbers sometimes she really isn’t wonderful and she can grate on everyone and get on my nerves. I do pull her up on this behaviour and discipline her though. If she’s ever doing anything that I deem to be unacceptable I always intervene - I don’t rely on other adults to parent my DD for me but today she wasn’t being unruly or dafting about she was just playing with her cousin and then explained a house rule to my brother (who had his shoes off BTW)

"Whenever I go to someone’s home I take my shoes off, especially in carpeted areas. It’s called respecting people’s homes. "

No, it isn't. Respecting people's homes would be not subjecting them to foot odour. And keeping shoes on at all times.

I agree, OP you did the right thing.

Your DD was rude to argue with him

As for this, the child wasn't being rude. She was asserting and maintaining household boundaries. Good for her.

Oh my days!!

@salamblackcat4 - with your attitude I would not want you, your shoes or your feet in my property putting your shoes on my lovely beige carpets/parquet flooring.

I even ask workmen/women to remove their shoes before going into any rooms in my house.

My house, my rules. If people don’t like it DO NOT come into my property.

@SalemBlackCat4 what, even if you’d just trudged through a muddy yard to get to their front door as with us??

Haha, @salemblackcat4 if you have foot odour you should treat it rather than smelling a persons house out.

How vile !!!!

Not everyone has foot odour especially not at this time of year! I just really don’t want everything caked in shit!

Why on earth are adults condoning another adult manhandling a child?? If the brother had manhandled the OP for telling him there are no shoes in HER house would you all be saying the same? Doubtful.

OP your brother was massively out of order & imo you reacted appropriately. Anybody that lays a hand on my child in an angry or aggressive manner does not get back into my house. Simple as that. He needs to learn to control his bloody temper

That is why most people have a mat at their door, to wipe their shoes. At least where I live (rural area). If shoes are wiped properly, mud should not be a problem. And at 2, would she be really walking all the way, or would her father be carrying her/pushing her in a stroller?

And if the path is continually muddy, I would have cemented a path or done something to fix it. Something like that could cause falls.

Everyone has foot odour. Besides, it's simply rude to take your shoes off imo.

I think your DD is probably annoying. 'Mother hen' type kids usually are. As are the ones who 'stand up for themselves' aka feel they can tell adults what to do.

Your Northsea behaviour was totally out of order though. There's NO EXCUSE for physically and verbally assaulting a 5yo however much they're pissing you off.

I would suggest now you've down the right thing telling your FD she doesn't have to accept abuse you work on her behaviour a little bit.

I hope you find a way forward with your brother. He has to accept he was wrong and deal with his anger issues first though.

Nobody gets in my flat with shoes on. Workmen get given over boots. I have a 6 month old who spends his time on the floor, i don't trust anybody when they tell me their shoes are clean.

Don't like it, don't walk through the door. I like my carpets the colour they are thanks

Well said @pissedoff

@Pissedoffdotcom I guess you like sweat and feet marking your carpet instead? Give me feet that have barriers, ie shoes that have been wiped on a door mat really well, on my carpet than people's dirty feet any day.

@youarenotkiddingme she is annoying and I accept that. She gets pulled up on I though.

I’ll have a word with him when I’ve calmed down a bit.

@SalemBlackCat4 we can’t just concrete the yard 🤦‍♀️. We have tractors, coes and sheep in there on a daily basis. They’d just churn it all up again. It would be nice though if we could.

SalemBlackCat4 most of my guests wear socks. Still cleaner than an outdoor pair of shoes. And I have slippers available for my friends. Never had a problem, my carpets are lovely & clean & i don't have to risk anybody trailing dog shit through the lounge 😏