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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To reclaim an unwanted gift?

206 replies

PersonaNonGarter · 31/12/2018 17:03

For Christmas, we gave DH’s 6yo niece a Lego Friends set (£20) and a nice top (£18). Both bought in advance, non-returnable.

At a family lunch at MIL’s today, BIL returned the Lego set to DH saying DN doesn’t like it and ‘could we exchange it because she doesn’t like Lego Friends’. DH was a bit confused —had forgotten what he’d given— but mumbled something about getting back to BIL. BIL left. The Lego is at MIL’s.

Can we take the Lego back? It’s non-returnable and I’ll give it to someone who wants it. DH thinks we should leave it at MIL’s or send it back to BIL. Who is right?

OP posts:
user139328237 · 01/01/2019 13:27

I can't believe there is anyone who is unaware of the moral objections to Lego Friends. To be honest to many people it'd be like buying a membership to a political party that they don't support.
Normally I'd say YANBU but the present itself was an unreasonable choice to buy unless you are 100% sure of the people's position on Lego friends.

thebaronetofcockburn · 01/01/2019 14:14

What Howler said. The threads from OP's who've been given utterly ridiculous gift list request are legion.

The way to go is to stop excessive gift giving. Stick to immediate family only and if you still really want to give nieces and nephews something then a Premium Bond every year. We did this with nieces and nephews.

EdtheBear · 01/01/2019 14:27

Honestly if the Dad can't be honest with his own brother who can he be honest with??

If you don't say anything how do you avoid getting the same thing repeated every year.

For the comment about Premium Bonds is the minimum not £100, not many spend that on nieces and nephews every year.

thebaronetofcockburn · 01/01/2019 14:46

For the comment about Premium Bonds is the minimum not £100, not many spend that on nieces and nephews every year.

Then do it every other year. Excessive gift giving at Xmas is wasteful and puts a lot of people in debt. The BIL is a CF and will teach his kids to be so, too. Best just to stop the gift exchange.

EdtheBear · 01/01/2019 15:02

Away you go Baronet, that is one of the most half cocked ideas I've heard in a while.

The Ops budget for niece is circa £40, so effectively what you're advising is spending over her budget every other year, and nothing inbetween. Hmm

100s of better and more suited options - do you work for Premium Bonds the only reason I can see for such a daft suggestion.

thebaronetofcockburn · 01/01/2019 15:16

*Away you go Baronet, that is one of the most half cocked ideas I've heard in a while.

The Ops budget for niece is circa £40, so effectively what you're advising is spending over her budget every other year, and nothing inbetween. hmm

100s of better and more suited options - do you work for Premium Bonds the only reason I can see for such a daft suggestion.*

You don't get to tell me what to do and there's no reason to be personally insulting if you don't agree Hmm. No, I don't work for Premium bonds and actually cutting down on gift giving is far from a daft suggestion.

Cutting back Xmas gift exchange to only immediate family is far from daft, if you don't agree fair enough but it's no reason to tell someone who has a different opinion to go away or be personally insulting to them.

It's bloody rude to treat a gift giver like a customer service shop, the BIL has form for being cheeky (didn't bother to give his own nephew even a card for his birthday), the OP has taken back the gift so is perfectly in her remit to not replace the gift and stop gift exchange.

That you don't agree is fine but telling people to go away because they don't and get personally insulting says more about you than me.

Think your BIL and SIL have found your thread, OP Hmm.

iamyourequal · 01/01/2019 15:22

I think it was rude of the brother to return the gift. My children have received many gifts that aren’t their cup of tea over the years. They have been taught to thank the giver and accept them graciously (but not rip open the boxes!). If they are decent then we either use them for parties or hand them into charity appeals the next year. I think giving two gifts at that value was excessive though. Kids are all getting too much stuff st Christmas.

importantkath · 01/01/2019 15:49

I had a friend who did this to me twice (infront of her children). The first time I have her daughter a cd player with a microphone. She hadn't even unwrapped it when my friend said 'She already has one' and plonked it back in my lap. The second time I had bought her a doll. She said 'oh I just bought her one.' I managed to reply 'and now she has two.' And walked away.

We are no longer friends.

Original poster
PersonaNonGarter · 01/01/2019 15:57

In defence of the amount of money we spend on DN, I don’t think anyone should be ‘shocked’ at a child having £38 spent on them. There is no correct amount to spend on a child and I am sure I have spent less/more in other years.

I buy nice but pretty generic things for all the nieces and nephews. I had no idea Lego Friends was so controversial. Previously, DN was into My Little Pony and that was pretty gendered.

OP posts:
RockingMyFiftiesNot · 01/01/2019 15:58

I can't believe there is anyone who is unaware of the moral objections to a Lego friends

I am totally unaware. No young kids.

AlpacaLypse · 01/01/2019 16:10

I can't believe so many people smile and say thanks to every single gift, even when it's duplicates or the wrong size! The correct thing to do for those is to approach the giver quietly later and explain that you've actually already got a copy of whatever book or similar, would it be possible to exchange it, or that when you tried on the lovely clothes, it turned out you needed to go a size up.

Wanting to exchange just because you don't like something is definitely rude though.

I am wondering if this particular case is to do with the fact that Lego Friends is a gendered version and they were rather clumsily trying to say they don't want to give gender stereotyping toys house-room in their home though?

FixItUpChappie · 01/01/2019 16:26

I'd take it but not replace it - your not a mail order service. I'd be Shock at your BILs bad fucking manners.

importantkath · 01/01/2019 16:32

@AlpacaLypse , I disagree. Most presents these days come with a gift receipt, so you can exchange if you wish. Otherwise, I just regift or donate to charity.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 01/01/2019 16:47

Prior to reading this thread I had never even heard of Lego Friends, so was also totally unaware that there were moral objections to it/ them.

PurpleTigerLove · 01/01/2019 17:01

My daughter would have been upset to receive Lego Friends but would have said thank you . I think a bil is a close enough relation to be able to say “ she doesn’t like this, could you exchange it ?”
Pop the receipt in the bag for future presents or a tenner in a card .

myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 01/01/2019 17:12

My DD loves Lego Friends. I agree with let toysbetoys, but also don’t have a problem with Lego sets for girls after years of it being marketed at boys...... have never heard that it’s controversial. There are more important things to worry about.

They were rude in returning it and I wouldn’t replace it with something else.

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 01/01/2019 17:18

I would never ever ask to exchange a gift. It’s just rude. My friends and family do not operate a mail order service!

If it really wasn’t suitable or if it was a duplicate I would re gift at a later date or donate.

If I had really strong objections to it I suppose I would have to mention it very tactfully to the person and explain why as nicely as possible, making sure to thank them for the gesture. But I really wouldn’t do that unless I had to.

fartfacemcfartfaceface · 01/01/2019 17:29

Ffs so rude. My 7yo ds received FOUR that's FOUR WWE wrestling annuals for Christmas this year and he graciously accepted each of them one after the other. Take it back, sell it on eBay or whatever and don't replace the gift. Some people are so ungrateful!!

olympic19 · 01/01/2019 17:33

How bloody rude of your BIL! I would regift the LEGO to someone who appreciates it, and I certainly would not be buying DN something new. And I'd be telling BIL why if he ever asked.

SparkyBlue · 01/01/2019 17:50

Your BIL was very rude. My Dc ended up with three pairs of Liverpool pjs this year and my DD got a my little Pony busybook that she already owns plus DS got a play toolset that he has already. They smiled and said thank you to those people who gave them the gifts.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 01/01/2019 17:52

I think this is the problem:

I buy nice but pretty generic things for all the nieces and nephews

You buy generic things that you think are nice because that’s easy for you, rather than actually tailoring your gifts as you should do.

If you want people to like your presents, give them ones they will love to receive, rather than just ticking the generic present box and have done with it.

buckeejit · 01/01/2019 20:32

I don't think it was that wrong of him to ask as you are close family but his words were badly chosen. Only you know if he has form for this sort of behaviour.

I'll add that a few years ago my db & sil asked what dc would like for. Christmas & I said something small, we're running our of room! They even rang at the toy shop & said a wand & a little Lego set? Perfect, they'd love that. They then arrived with these & 2 enormous gifts of large plastic structures for dc all wrapped up. I asked them to please return them & they were surprised. I don't think they exchanged them for anything, I was just glad to not have to find space for unwanted items. Same pair a few years earlier when we asked for little gifts for ds, bought him a bike!

However, I'd just say you can't exchange it- do they want to keep it to regift or if not, you will.

It may be easier as dc get older to ask what they'd like & mostly follow that, but I do understand it's nice to pick things too.

EdtheBear · 02/01/2019 00:54

Question for those who think its rude.
Would your attitude be any different if you gave your partner something that they didn't like or fit or your own child said they didn't like something you gave them?

If they just stuff them in a cupboard How do you feel when you clear out cupboards 6 mths later and realise it never been opened or the garment still has its tags on?

Weirdwonders · 02/01/2019 07:22

I’d rather know and have the option to change it (or just get a refund) to be honest as I hate waste and we know people get fed up from having too much unwanted stuff. It seems a bit much that we’re still expecting kids to be hugely grateful for every gift they receive when they’ll have received a sack full of plastic already. You said yourself you didn’t put much thought into it.

I don’t understand why people don’t just quietly put things on eBay though.

Mumminmum · 02/01/2019 07:54

it appeared to be a sport for one of my SILs to exchange as many gifts as possible when her kids were small. We only bought things she had suggested, we coordinated with the rest of the family so that her DC didn't receive double of anything and still. She still needed receipts from half of us. She also sold some of the presents a few months later for a fraction of the price. My other SIL didn't talk to her for a year or so after they found out about that. The SIl who sold the presents said "but he isn't playing with it". No, not yet, as he is too young. Which she knew when she wrote the present on his wish list.

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