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Original poster

Friends that don't understand you're not as well off!

177 replies

Szechan · 31/12/2018 00:01

My DD and her best mate are very close. Her mum and I have also became close over the years, often socialise without DC etc. She and her DH both have high paying jobs, I'm on a decent-ish wage BUT I'm a single parent and it's more of a struggle. I've committed myself to become debt free over the next 2 years.

She DOES NOT understand that sometimes people do not have much disposable income. She'll suggest trips at last minute, in front of our DD, which I'll either feel obliged to go on as to not disappoint them both, or simply disappoint them. Latest one is a text I've received "you're gonna love me, found a log cabin for long weekend in March, only 300 each!" Then I have to feel bad explaining on top of sustenance for the weekend, I simply do not have the money to pay for this!! Then I get texts "go onnnn, you only live once!"!!

I genuinely do feel like she does not understand that I would actually have to NOT pay my bills or mortgage that month to agree to this. She is lively in every other way. How do people get so detached from reality sometimes that they think like this?? I am a single mother who has to pay everything for my DD!!

Arghhhhh. Just needed a rant really Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Szechan · 31/12/2018 00:02

*Lovely in every other way Blush

OP posts:
CrispbuttyNo1 · 31/12/2018 00:07

I would just be blunt and point out that you don’t have the same level of income, and whilst you would love to go, it’s not affordable.

ThatPeskyElf · 31/12/2018 00:08

People don’t get it, never will unless they end up line parenting themselves

ThatPeskyElf · 31/12/2018 00:08

LOne

posthistoricmonsters · 31/12/2018 00:11

I'd ask to.meet up.for a coffee and have a candid chat. A nice one.

MrsChollySawcutt · 31/12/2018 00:12

What is wrong with being honest? 'Log Cabin sounds amazing but I just can't afford it so we won't be going.'

MyDcAreMarvel · 31/12/2018 00:14

If you are on a decent wage it’s unusually not to have £300 a month disposable income. Try explaining to her why you don’t, are you paying of debts with your DI?

ThatPeskyElf · 31/12/2018 00:16

She’s a single parent
They usually don’t have any disposable income

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 31/12/2018 00:18

I think if you're good enough friends to go on holiday together you're good enough friends to have a chat. You don't need to go into detail about earnings and outgoings just gently point out that 300 is a couple months savings and if you went, you wouldn't be able to pay the bills that month and would be further in debt. That you'd love to do everything she invites you to but you really genuinely can't afford it so although you're happy to be invited please could she not do it in front of your daughter so she's not disappointed and please could she be a bit more understanding when you have to say no as it's disappointing enough having to decline

MyDcAreMarvel · 31/12/2018 00:18

Well a low earring single parent no, but the op says she is on a decent wage.

AlwaysSomethingThere · 31/12/2018 00:19

I doubt it's a case of her not understanding you don't have the money, it's more a case of her not caring if a trip away cleans you out as long as she's getting what she wants.

Tell her no.

Invisimamma · 31/12/2018 00:20

@mydcaremarvel come on lots of families don't have £300 disposable income. After food, bills etc we have around £100per month for clothes, days out, treats etc. Dp and I both work but our income is swallowed up by childcare, commuting and household bills. £300 Di would be a dream, I imagine for a lot of families and especially single parents balancing everything on one income.

Original poster
Szechan · 31/12/2018 00:21

I do tell her then I get the guilt trip! I've explained over and over, "I sometimes just can't afford the things you suggest, please accept my answer" but then she tells both DDs what she wanted to do, but "[myDd] can't afford it]! I hate having to justify my financial situation, we do plenty together including holidays abroad, just through the year I can't take off at the drop of a hat! I don't know how I can reasonably continue this friendship, but our DD's are best mates

OP posts:
ThatPeskyElf · 31/12/2018 00:22

You can still be on a decent wage and have no disposable income!

WhirlwindHugs · 31/12/2018 00:22

Spectacularly ironic to have someone sceptical that you can't afford it respond...

I totally understand what you mean. Together DH and I have a reasonable income but between debt and 3dc it doesn't go far.

I'm very blunt these days.

Original poster
Szechan · 31/12/2018 00:24

I am on a decent ISH wage, but I already spend it on mortgages, nice holidays etc - I can't take off every month like her! Also when we're out together she'll buy her DD loads of treats and gives me the guilt trip when I can't buy my own the same, it makes me feel horrendous

OP posts:
PenelopeFlintstone · 31/12/2018 00:26

but then she tells both DDs what she wanted to do, but "[myDd] can't afford it]!
This part is completely out of order!!

FortunesFave · 31/12/2018 00:27

She sounds toxic. Telling both DDs indeed! Sack her off. Not a nice person.

cordeliavorkosigan · 31/12/2018 00:28

She is being spectacularly insensitive and you may therefore have to have a more extended chat, even down to budget numbers, eg "after bills are paid we usually have approx xx each month and so just can't come up with 300 on top of it without going into more debt; when you critique our decisions so explicitly it is really insensitive, please stop" -- this kind of level of bluntness.

does your DD know your financial situation approximately? my DC are younger but I want to be open with them about finances when they are teens so that they have a clue how budgeting works and what costs what, and can learn to make good decisions.

Original poster
Szechan · 31/12/2018 00:28

Then if she finds out I've had a night out I get texts from her "ooh must be flush now all of a sudden ay?" I'm a single parent and spend countless nights completely alone. God forbid I should have a rare social life. Apologies I'm in full on rant mode, but she's got me in tears today feeling like a pathetic parent!!

OP posts:
modzy78 · 31/12/2018 00:29

Wait. She tells the children that they can't go because your daughter can't afford it?!? That's horrible. It's not a guilt trip, it's bullying. Don't put up with it. Just tell her you're not going, no further explanation needed. And if she pulls her stunt in front of the girls, just say that you're not going because she's a bully.

Jitters22 · 31/12/2018 00:30

Well if she doesn't get the message then it's time to cut the friendship.

If she asks why , then tell her it's because she chooses to ignore your financial situation

Sit your daughter down and explain the situation . and leave it there.

If her friendship with her friend survives then great, but if it doesn't then she's better off out of it because it's clearly based on financial status / parental influence.

You can't spend money you don't have. You can't have friendships wherein the person you are friends with 'guilt trips' you every time you try to explain why you can't keep up with them financially.

Itsnotalwaysfair · 31/12/2018 00:32

The guilt trips - is it intentional because that is really not kind.
She also shouldn't hammer home to your kid you can not afford what they can so obviously. That's also unhelpful. Kids compare enough already. Just be firm about what works for you. You DDs can still have plenty of fun together without multiple weekend trips and treats.
Don't feel bad. Really. If she was a friend she would get it after one or two repetitions.

springydaff · 31/12/2018 00:32

This just isn't going to work.

ime you can't have a close friendship with someone of a completely disposable income to you. Especially as she is totally unreasonable about it (understatement).

Shame, but there we are. Your kids can be friends but you and she can't.

BeardedMum · 31/12/2018 00:32

Its not just about the money. Even if you could easily afford it, I can think of several reasons why you would not choose to spend your money on a log cabin.

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