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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends that don't understand you're not as well off!

177 replies

Szechan · 31/12/2018 00:01

My DD and her best mate are very close. Her mum and I have also became close over the years, often socialise without DC etc. She and her DH both have high paying jobs, I'm on a decent-ish wage BUT I'm a single parent and it's more of a struggle. I've committed myself to become debt free over the next 2 years.

She DOES NOT understand that sometimes people do not have much disposable income. She'll suggest trips at last minute, in front of our DD, which I'll either feel obliged to go on as to not disappoint them both, or simply disappoint them. Latest one is a text I've received "you're gonna love me, found a log cabin for long weekend in March, only 300 each!" Then I have to feel bad explaining on top of sustenance for the weekend, I simply do not have the money to pay for this!! Then I get texts "go onnnn, you only live once!"!!

I genuinely do feel like she does not understand that I would actually have to NOT pay my bills or mortgage that month to agree to this. She is lively in every other way. How do people get so detached from reality sometimes that they think like this?? I am a single mother who has to pay everything for my DD!!

Arghhhhh. Just needed a rant really Grin

OP posts:
diamondsandrose · 31/12/2018 00:32

Oh my god just read your update

What an absolute bitch!! Kick her right into touch what an absolute cow, why are you putting up with that??

The girls can still be pals but get the friendship and contact with her dialled RIGHT down. How dare she!!

MrsChollySawcutt · 31/12/2018 00:33

Ugh she sounds vile. She is bullying you OP.

springydaff · 31/12/2018 00:34

*completely different disposable income to you

shopgirl18 · 31/12/2018 00:38

If you are on a decent wage it’s unusually not to have £300 a month disposable income.

@MyDcAreMarvel ?

Possibly the daftest comment I've read on MN!

Gth1234 · 31/12/2018 00:38

until you tell her, she might not get the point. You don't have to lose a friend, but it is difficult keeping up with someone who is wealthier . Good luck.

Ampersandcolon · 31/12/2018 00:49

I've been the poor friend. I don't buy this at all. I think she is mindlessly lording it over you. I would call her out on it by saying every time 'you know we can't afford that!' same words every time. I would also step away, let the kids enjoy each other. She's not being much of a friend to you

Original poster
Szechan · 31/12/2018 00:54

Of course I have more than 300 disposable income, I already commit that to hols etc and I've explained to her I want to finally pay of my credit cards

OP posts:
TornFromTheInside · 31/12/2018 00:54

Yep, had friends like this...

Used to be a high earner, then I wasn't - suddenly their business took off into the stratosphere and they became multimillionaires - bought their kids cars, then houses, could holiday as and when they saw fit.
The husband understood how fortunate they were, but the wife didn't - she could not grasp that being able to buy your kids their own home, or even a car was not possible.

Phrases like the above 'any plans for holidays - you could try a couple of weeks in the Bahamas surely?' or 'you could have a new conservatory built, and get a pool... would only cost about 60K'...

In the end, it just became stupid.

OrigamiZoo · 31/12/2018 00:55

I think your friend get a kick out of making you feel shit otherwise why do it all the time?

Sit her down. tell her once and for all. If she keeps doing it, ditch.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2018 00:57

This is a friendship I would have to distance myself from, you have explained to her, she is totally disrespecting you and undermining you in front of your dd which is wrong. If she makes you feel bad, time to cut it loose.

TornFromTheInside · 31/12/2018 00:58

I"m not sure it's a kick, I think some people just genuinely lose touch with reality (the reality of others) very quickly.

Some don't lose touch, but the ones that do just seems to live in a different world entirely that has no concept of others circumstances (even when they've come from similar backgrounds). Money simply changes SOME people. Thankfully, not all.

quizqueen · 31/12/2018 01:01

New Year's Resolution- dump the mother, dump the friend. I'm afraid there's fair chance that your daughter's mate will turn out like her mother who could encourage her to get into debt herself to keep up with her. You both need neither of these people in your lives. There are better friends to be had.

Chickenwings85 · 31/12/2018 01:05

Hmmm I think the mother knows your position and enjoys knowing how shit it makes you feel.
OP, you're doing your best and setting a brilliant example to your DD when it comes to managing your finances.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/12/2018 01:13

She's very selfish, isn't she.

"I want this, I want you to come too, therefore you must come regardless of whether or not you can actually afford it".

Not the actions of a true friend - true friends take account of everyone's financial position and "cut cloth" accordingly.

Monty27 · 31/12/2018 01:18

Yep have friends like this too.
Which part of I can't afford it do they not understand?

BubblesBuddy · 31/12/2018 01:21

To be honest, DH is a high earner and we have always taken into account what our friends can afford when we suggest anything. (We don’t very much). It’s very rude to sssume other people can afford something just because we can. We would have no friends if we behaved like the op’s “Friend”.

Sadly, she isn’t your friend. We have gone out of our way to accommodate friends who are less well off. If we want a better hotel, a weekend away, a better restaurant, etc we go on our own. We don’t cajole others into spending more and shame them.

I’m really saying that true friends respect each other. We haven’t found new friends with more money and replaced our old friends. The people we have known for 40 years, in some cases, are valued by us and we don’t intend to upset them over anything. This woman is clearly upsetting you so she’s not your friend.

leghoul · 31/12/2018 01:37

I have acquaintances like this. As a lone parent, even working and earning (and thus paying for childcare) it's very different to having a child less than half time or having two parents that work and earn well and all other combinations really. I couldnt work out if they were being really thoughtless or were just out to get the most luxury/etc for the least personal expense to them. I realised it was the latter and got fed up of subsidising someone else's lifestyle choices so stopped doing anything with them unless it was impossible to spend money there

AornisHades · 31/12/2018 01:38

Lots of people do seem to struggle to understand their situation is not everyone's situation.
We have no family able to take the dc so we can have a mini break but we get insinuations that we're being precious for not going Confused
I have single parent friends who struggle to make ends meet and it isn't hard to give them the option to pick something in their budget.

FlorisApple · 31/12/2018 01:42

I've been in a similar situation with a friend, and I think it's not just the money: it's actually very controlling behaviour, basically; "we do what I want or I throw my dummy in the dirt." Gets tiresome very quickly, also the enforced gifts which they know you can't reciprocate, and which inevitably come with lots of strings attached.

ChasedByBees · 31/12/2018 01:50

I think you need to have a v blunt chat pointing out you can’t continue the friendship I’d she doesn’t stop. She is out of order.

Sashkin · 31/12/2018 01:50

she tells both DDs what she wanted to do, but "[myDd] can't afford it]!

For this alone, you should cut her off. She’s a malicious cow. I’m not sure how you sat through her pulling that without thumping her, honestly. You are a more patient person than me.

BumbleBeee69 · 31/12/2018 02:07

This is not a friend OP, this woman sounds like an selfish self absorbed bitch, that simply wants someone to go halves on everything she books?!

STOP explaining your financial situation to this person too, you owe NOBODY an explanation about your finances FFS ?!

Find a new friend.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 31/12/2018 02:19

Just to be a very tiny bit fair to your 'friend' and to try to see things from her perspective, if she DOES have a grasp of your situation; you have stated clearly that you're not having to watch every penny to keep treading water and to avoid having your house repossessed - you DO have a reasonable surplus each month, but you've just made the extremely wise decision to prioritise clearing debt.

Maybe she sees it that you can hold off on paying off your debts indefinitely when there are holidays and fun times to be had instead. Very foolish and deeply unkind of her to put you under such pressure, but she may be thinking that your bills are £xxx, the minimum repayments on your credit cards are £xxx, so you DO have £xxx left over each month - after all, why have credit cards if you don't use them to carry a balance? If they aren't quite maxed out and you can keep up with the minimum payments, what's the problem?

As I said, very unreasonable and short-sighted of her, but although not as well off as her, you aren't on the breadline - just a lot more sensible and responsible with the money that you have than she is with hers.

BumbleBeee69 · 31/12/2018 02:53

She is Seriously RUDE, to ingratiate herself into someone else’s finances, so bloody rude, but she’s believes she is entitled to do so, because you opened that door by always explain your finances to her. So STOP.

lalalalyra · 31/12/2018 03:27

but then she tells both DDs what she wanted to do, but "[myDd] can't afford it]!

I'd cut her off for that. How dare she make your DD feel like she was missing out on things as a way to emotionally blackmail you.

She's not a friend OP.