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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friends that don't understand you're not as well off!

177 replies

Szechan · 31/12/2018 00:01

My DD and her best mate are very close. Her mum and I have also became close over the years, often socialise without DC etc. She and her DH both have high paying jobs, I'm on a decent-ish wage BUT I'm a single parent and it's more of a struggle. I've committed myself to become debt free over the next 2 years.

She DOES NOT understand that sometimes people do not have much disposable income. She'll suggest trips at last minute, in front of our DD, which I'll either feel obliged to go on as to not disappoint them both, or simply disappoint them. Latest one is a text I've received "you're gonna love me, found a log cabin for long weekend in March, only 300 each!" Then I have to feel bad explaining on top of sustenance for the weekend, I simply do not have the money to pay for this!! Then I get texts "go onnnn, you only live once!"!!

I genuinely do feel like she does not understand that I would actually have to NOT pay my bills or mortgage that month to agree to this. She is lively in every other way. How do people get so detached from reality sometimes that they think like this?? I am a single mother who has to pay everything for my DD!!

Arghhhhh. Just needed a rant really Grin

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 31/12/2018 05:50

....Just to make it clear, I was trying to get inside her head to think about where her attitude relating purely to the income situation might have stemmed from.

However, she is a nasty piece of work and NOT your friend. It would be nice if your DDs can stay friends and they shouldn't have to suffer because of her, but you must not continue to put up with her appalling treatment of you like this, OP.

AJPTaylor · 31/12/2018 05:59

Because she is a dim bulb. It's the same mentality that thinks, for example, others can't be allergic to her cat Cos she isn't and the cat is lovely. Or the person who says "everyone has time to exercise" when they are childfree 6 hours a day vs someone working full time.
If your friendship is going to continue you need to tell her properly. Me and my friends have ended up with a range of incomes and circumstances. We discuss and plan openly what we can do or manage. No embarrassment or shame.

mogloveseggs · 31/12/2018 06:00

She’s not a friend.

brandybutterrr · 31/12/2018 06:04

She doesn't sound lovely. She sounds like a bitch.

Graphista · 31/12/2018 06:05

"If you are on a decent wage it’s unusually not to have £300 a month disposable income. Try explaining to her why you don’t, are you paying of debts with your DI?" You're as ignorant as the woman being discussed!

Have to agree with a pp who said those that have never been Lp will never really get it!

Same seems to go for those who've never been on a low income!

"Well a low earring single parent no, but the op says she is on a decent wage."

Wow! STILL willingly not getting it!

As a Lp you're usually dealing with outgoings very similar to a coupled family - but with only one income! Eg paying 75% council tax rather than 50% if you were in a couple (that's WITH the single person discount - why is that only 25%?!) most Lp are still living in a home that could also accommodate a partner with accompanying bills. Even IF you get maintenance from the child's/children's father it's usually nowhere near 50% of the costs of raising that child so the resident parent has the bulk of those costs too. Don't even get us started on holidays!!

Op she's being COMPLETELY out of order guilt tripping you via a CHILD too - I'd be calling her out on that bullshit too! Some friend!

"Stop using my dd to try and guilt trip me into doing things I CANNOT AFFORD to suit you! It's petty, unfair and makes a CHILD unnecessarily feel even more that she's missing out on things, and do not comment on what I choose to spend MY MONEY on"

DO NOT detail your income and outgoings to her - she'll just say "do without X and then you can afford y" it's not her business your finances and she certainly doesn't need to be in a position where she can tell you how to spend your money!

"Then if she finds out I've had a night out I get texts from her "ooh must be flush now all of a sudden ay?"" Yea this piece of work is NOT a friend!!

She thinks she has a right to comment on how YOU spend YOUR money - fuck that!!

Tell her once and once only and if she pulls that shit again cut her off cold!

In my friendship group from high school age there are 2 who are from EXTREMELY wealthy families (in one case landed gentry) - they have never and would never behave like this. They're close friends with another 2 in same group who are in a much lower income bracket. The 4 families as groups of 2 (hope that makes sense it's how the friendships work) do day trips and holidays together but while the wealthier ones do the st Kitts, Seychelles, St Barths thing when it's just their families they also have enjoyed camping trips, caravan holidays even butlins once! And they never make disparaging remarks either! One of the "poorer" friends is also a lone parent and she is not one to hold back - if the "richer" friend acted like yours is doing she'd be put in her place in no uncertain terms!!

It's also a really appallingly lacking in class way to behave! It's tacky as fuck!

Janedoe5000 · 31/12/2018 06:10

If she was as good of a friend as you claim, she wouldn't keep putting you through this. And she'd take your 'no without making you feel guilty.

Reassess your friendship and be honest with yourself.

Janedoe5000 · 31/12/2018 06:17

So many thick people on this thread missing the point.

I'm looking at you @MyDCareMarvel

The OP does not have to explain her finances to anybody. If the answers's no then the answers no. That's without even getting into the behaviour if this other woman.

And who suggested coffee to tell her? Why do these people always suggest this? You aren't living in an American TV orogramme. A text message or a phone call is fine.

You people.

Cherrysherbet · 31/12/2018 06:20

She’s not a friend op. Get some real friends who respect you. Kick her into touch.

GodknowsIwanttobreakfree · 31/12/2018 06:29

Agree she is not a friend. She must be very stupid or very mean.

I don’t know anyone who would put pressure on me to go to a log cabin for £300. I’ve never heard of anything so ridiculous. It sounds like she is trying to wind you up. The comments to your daughter about your not being able to afford it are out of order and meant to shame you or undermine you. I would never have seen her again after that.

GodknowsIwanttobreakfree · 31/12/2018 06:30

I would decline her suggestions by saying, I don’t want to go rather than I can’t afford it.

mathanxiety · 31/12/2018 06:33

She is not really a friend.

Disengage.

explodingkitten · 31/12/2018 07:14

Ime you can't have a close friendship with someone of a completely disposable income to you.

Oh yes you can, it's called empathy. Or being a friend.

Sorry OP but she is not you friend. You are making the right financial choices and she should respect you for that. Also, your disposible income doesn't have to be spent on her plans.

llangennith · 31/12/2018 07:17

Let that friendship go. Your DDs can continue their friendship without you having to be friends with the mother.

GnomeDePlume · 31/12/2018 07:48

I have work friends like this. No DC (by choice), Two high income, low outgoings household. Never gets the multiplier effect of having DCs. Will tell everybody in earshot about amazing flight deals to XYZ.

'Why dont you go to XYZ for a holiday, the flight is only £xxx and you can get a hotel for £xxx'

I have given up saying 'Now multiply that by 5 because that is how much I would have to pay'. She means well so I just nod and smile.

yoyo1234 · 31/12/2018 07:55

I have family who do not understand how short of money we can be/have been. They say we should do XYZ for other family members ( whilst struggling to pay good bills). Family are harder to avoid I try to grin and bare it. With a so called friend I would not though ( esp one who said anything in front of DC).

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 31/12/2018 07:55

In addition to what everyone else has posted - the woman is needy.

Why isn’t she doing all these marvellous things with just her own family?

Because she’d rather you subsidised the cost?
Because she doesn’t have anyone else to go with.? (Wonder why)
Because she doesn’t like going away with just her own family? Again wonder why.

Whatever the reason OP it’s not about you!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 31/12/2018 07:58

I have this
Just tell her once and for all very nicely and bluntly but make it very clear

2isur2isubicurtis4me · 31/12/2018 08:09

I think she is rude and using you to get what she wants. You say she has told your dd you could have all have done x of you had the money. Which indicates to me that she isn't going if you can't subsidise in some way, she is not as well off as she makes out and has found you a soft touch. She doesn't care if you go into dept that's not her problem.
Sack her she isn't you friend.

1forAll74 · 31/12/2018 08:25

I would not cut ties with your good friend at all. I would try and drum it into your friends head, that you simply can't afford to do all the things that she suggests at times. I guess your friend really needs to know some basic facts of life, especially as she can be so free and easy about money and going places.

Grace212 · 31/12/2018 08:28

Sorry, another here who thinks the friendship can't work

If she doesn't accept your finances, and continues to be rude about it, then you have to cut ties.

percypeppers · 31/12/2018 08:38

She doesn't sound like much of a friend. What do you get from this relationship?

Why should you have to repeatedly explain yourself? She sounds a bit thick to me.

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 31/12/2018 08:53

I think you need to think what a friend actually is. All or even some of the attributes of a friend this person does not have. With these stunts she is pulling she is an aquaintance only and an unpleasant one at that.
Detach gradually. She's a numptie.

lubeybooby · 31/12/2018 08:58

you're going to have to toughen up with her OP

krustykittens · 31/12/2018 09:03

Sorry, OP, I'm another one that thinks this woman is not your friend. She tries to shame you and your daughter if you don't spend money on what SHE wants, she tries to bully you into spending money on what she wants to do and if you have a night out without her, she texts you and tries to guilt trip you AGAIN? Does this sound like a mate? Thoughtless people are like the others PP have mentioned, wondering aloud why you don't book a luxury holiday or expensive hose renovations. But she is a bully.

krustykittens · 31/12/2018 09:03

As others have asked, does she have any other friends? It sounds like she is jealous when you go out without her.

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