Friends that don't understand you're not as well off!

[Szechan]

My DD and her best mate are very close. Her mum and I have also became close over the years, often socialise without DC etc. She and her DH both have high paying jobs, I'm on a decent-ish wage BUT I'm a single parent and it's more of a struggle. I've committed myself to become debt free over the next 2 years.

She DOES NOT understand that sometimes people do not have much disposable income. She'll suggest trips at last minute, in front of our DD, which I'll either feel obliged to go on as to not disappoint them both, or simply disappoint them. Latest one is a text I've received "you're gonna love me, found a log cabin for long weekend in March, only 300 each!" Then I have to feel bad explaining on top of sustenance for the weekend, I simply do not have the money to pay for this!! Then I get texts "go onnnn, you only live once!"!!

I genuinely do feel like she does not understand that I would actually have to NOT pay my bills or mortgage that month to agree to this. She is lively in every other way. How do people get so detached from reality sometimes that they think like this?? I am a single mother who has to pay everything for my DD!!

Arghhhhh. Just needed a rant really

This woman isn’t your friend because friends don’t treat their friends this way, she’s just the mother of your DD’s best friend. It’s not that she doesn’t get it, it’s she doesn’t care enough to get it. Stop wasting your time with this woman.

Her behaviour in front of your DD is reason enough to cut this silly woman loose.

Agree with its others that you shouldn't have to justify your decisions and expose your financial details for her inspection.

It is perfectly reasonable for you to have £300 and choose not to spend it on one of her proposed trips.

She is trying to bully you into channel all your available income into doing things with her. She uses your children to try and get her own way.

You can just say no. If you are honest, do you really want to spend ALL available money on outings to please her? Don't use not having money as an excuse because then she feels justified in trying to prove you are lying when you spend money on your family's priorities.

We have this constantly with one set of friends about skiing. They refuse to believe we don't have a spare four grand lying around. 14 years it's gone on.

Hang on, she embarassed your DD about you not being able to afford stuff? And she hassles you when you have a night out?

This isn't about not understanding. She's a cow, sack her off.

You shouldn't need to justify yourself or your financial situation to this woman at all. And no, she's not your friend.

It does sound as if there is something else going on here .....I think most of us are very careful indeed not to put anyone in a difficult position over finances. With a single parent it’s obvious that they are under different pressures so most people tread very carefully. So what is going on that your friend is so out of step?

Stop offering reason you can't participate and just say "No thanks" when she suggests something. If she persists, just ignore texts, or if in person, just say "I said 'no thanks'. I am not being clear enough?" If she asks why not, just tell her it's none of her business. Ignore rude remarks about your spending money on a night out.

Totally empathise.The rich can be extraordinarily insensitive-I live on a very low income and come from an immigrant family.All my friends have had massive inheritances from parents who have lived in the UK for generations. They have worked no harder than I, but then their Mum and Dad bought them a house straight out of college etc etc.They have no idea what it is like to struggle,
I would cut loose.Otherwise the situation will eat away at your self esteem.

She does not sound like a friend

Perhaps it’s not really a money issue and her wanting to be controlling or to put you down. Perhaps she knows you’re sensitive about money so uses it as a way to get at you. And perhaps she is a little anxious about money too or self esteem or your friendship and she manifests it through these kind of comments.

It’s always fine to say ‘thanks but I don’t want to do x activity’ and not to make it about affordability all the time. When she presses you about expenditure, it’s also fine to say ‘we have different incomes, plus what we might like to spend our cash on probably differs. Just because you want to spend on X doesn’t mean I want to regardless of if I can afford it and sometimes you’ll see I spend on things you wouldn’t choose to. Fine to invite me to spend with you, but please accept when I say no or choose to spend on something else’ .

Why would you stay friends with such an insensitive person. She might be lovely but she seriously has. I idea about real life

I totally get it. If my friends tell me they cant afford it or things have come up then thats that, i will not nag, badger or make them feel bad. We all have different incomes and priorities. There are plenty of free, inexpensive things to do even more so when the weather is nice.

One of my DD’s friend’s parents are city lawyers. Everything is megabucks, expensive trips, numerous holidays etc. My DD is very honest with her and says ‘no, we can’t afford that’ when she suggests the next thing her mum is happy to shell out for.

Luckily (?) me and the mum have not struck up a friendship (she is very brusque, offhand and not very approachable) so we haven’t fallen into that.

She doesn’t sound much of a friend to emotionally blackmail you. I have a friend who doesn’t have as much disposable income as me, so we do things that suit her budget, rather than make her feel shit for not being able to do more costly things.

I think people must struggle with their imaginations if time with their DCs have to be a constant novelty-filled series of trips here, there and everywhere.

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I agree she doesn't sound a friend. I have a similar 'friend' (more childhood mate of a good friend) who loves pushing everyone else into changing plans into more expensive places and even sometimes when we go, we're still guilted on how it's ridiculous X, Y, and Z couldn't make it.

Going to try to make this the year I let my fear of this person's anger/rejection and the imagined consequences in my head (I've worried if I don't keep her happy then she's push my friend to drop me) stop me from saying 'no', 'not in our budget right now', 'I have other financial priorities right now', 'no thanks, have fun!' and getting the draining of cash and energy more out of my life.

She sounds like the kind of person who presses you to have alcoholic drink ("just a little one") when you're the designated driver. Or the kind who wants you to go halves on a big cake, even though she knows that you're on a diet.

They can't bear to see people taking and exercising control over their debts/finances/healthy eating etc and try to sabotage it. She sounds horrible.

If you value the friendship then it might be worth taking her out for a coffee and telling her straight that you really like her blah blah and want to stay friends with her, but her constant guilt tripping and undermining of you in front of your dd is beginning to be a real problem because it makes you feel x, y and z. And it's disrespectful of your situation. And if it doesn't stop then the friendship can't continue. Then stop talking and don't say any more and see how she responds.

She's using your feelings of guilt to control you, and that's shit. She's only a 'friend' under her own terms. How dare she criticise you for spending your own money on things that you want to do instead of things that she wants to do.

I would say to your DD "Have you noticed that X always wants us to spend our money one things that she wants to do. We're far better off thinking of our own things to do and using our money for that, most of what she wants isn't nearly as exciting as she makes it sound anyway."

I would lower contact with her with the aim of eventually hardly ever meeting up with her, even if your DD remains friends with her DD. You're mostly being kept around so that she has someone to feel superior to, she doesn't have enough self-confidence to feel comfortable in her own skin unless she's 'better' than the people around her (the very fact that she thinks wealth is a measure of the value of a person shows how shallow she is).

My DD has a best friend who is like this and it's caused us problems, she won't take no for an answer and manipulates all the time. Didn't take long to realise the mother is like it also so their acts of kindness eventually became overwhelming and controlling. I'm trying to teach my daughter that she can say no to the friends demands, she/her mother spends ridiculous amounts on presents for birthdays/christmas for DD but we're not falling into that trap. DD asked her friend what she wanted for her birthday & she said a denim jacket ffs - theyre only 13/14 - no way. It's not teaching them how to manage money at all. I sympathise and empathise with you, honestly I do xxx

She's not lovely and she's not your friend. She's getting a kick out of making you feel crap.

Saying these things in front of your child is totally unacceptable. I hope all the comments on this thread convince you that you'd be better off without her.

Also, the thing about having a problem with you having a social life that doesn't include her, controlling...

I don't think she is being a nice person. Real friends don't guilt trip you. If she wanted to go out with her dc separately she could have done. To tell her children that they couldn't go because you couldn't afford it is appalling!

Likewise buying her children more treats when you're out is insensitive. I go out with a friend on a reduced income and make sure on those days we do t down excessively in front of them or I'll ask the mum ( out of earshot of kids) whether I could treat them to ice cream etc

Wow denim jacket for a friend .

I think you should talk to her for the last time. Or perhaps text so she has it in writing stating you would love to be able to take off on trips but as a single parent responsible for all outgoings your budget for entertainment only allows for the occasional nights out and annual holidays. Ask her to please stop discussing your financial situation as you are finding it distressing.

I think it is also possible she spends beyond her means and you doing the same makes her feel better about it, like the addict to alcohol or fattening food.

Either way she is not a friend to you and you are not a bad parent just because you can't afford expensive treats.

She seems a bit possessive and controlling

From your first post I thought she was just a bit clueless but the updates just make her sound like an awful person.