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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends that don't understand you're not as well off!

177 replies

Szechan · 31/12/2018 00:01

My DD and her best mate are very close. Her mum and I have also became close over the years, often socialise without DC etc. She and her DH both have high paying jobs, I'm on a decent-ish wage BUT I'm a single parent and it's more of a struggle. I've committed myself to become debt free over the next 2 years.

She DOES NOT understand that sometimes people do not have much disposable income. She'll suggest trips at last minute, in front of our DD, which I'll either feel obliged to go on as to not disappoint them both, or simply disappoint them. Latest one is a text I've received "you're gonna love me, found a log cabin for long weekend in March, only 300 each!" Then I have to feel bad explaining on top of sustenance for the weekend, I simply do not have the money to pay for this!! Then I get texts "go onnnn, you only live once!"!!

I genuinely do feel like she does not understand that I would actually have to NOT pay my bills or mortgage that month to agree to this. She is lively in every other way. How do people get so detached from reality sometimes that they think like this?? I am a single mother who has to pay everything for my DD!!

Arghhhhh. Just needed a rant really Grin

OP posts:
Letshopeitsallok · 31/12/2018 09:04

Frenemy: We would be going to do X but your mum says she can’t afford it

You: Yes, it’s a shame we can’t, which is why it’s so nice that Frenemy has offered to treat us! Thanks Frenemy! You’re so generous! Really appreciate it

Frenemy: Wait, I didn’t say I’d treat you

You: Well why would you bring it up in front of my daughter if you weren’t going to?

BookwormMe · 31/12/2018 09:07

You need to call her out on poverty shaming your daughter like. I would be raging if one of my better off friends did that! Spend what disposal income you do have on enjoying yourself with friends who understand and appreciate your situation.

BookwormMe · 31/12/2018 09:07

I meant "like that".

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 31/12/2018 09:20

She is either very thoughtless/a bit thick, or else very unkind/nasty to keep rubbing your nose in it.

I would tell her once and for all, 'Look, for the last time, whatever spare money I have is earmarked for holidays and paying off debts. Please don't keep trying to guilt trip me into spending money I can't afford. It's very inconsiderate.'

And if she still won't, cool the 'friendship' right down. Your dds can still be friends. There's no law to say you have to be matey with dcs' friends. I would hope that your dd is old enough to understand.

And BTW it's no bad thing for children to learn early on that money is not elastic, and we can't have or do everything we want.

SoaringSwallow · 31/12/2018 09:20

I'd suggest telling her that you like her, enjoy spending time with her but need her to understand that when you say you can't do something, it's financial and can't change. I wouldn't explain my finances to her. Tell her that from now on you can't go away for weekends but meeting for coffee is great. Or something like that.

However

Telling her daughter they/her can't do something because you/DD can't afford it?! She's NOT your friend.

clairedelalune · 31/12/2018 09:23

Her comments in front of the children are vile; she sounded just thoughtless up until that point.
I do think some people genuinely don't think about single person/ lone parent costs - i think many view as mouths to feed as opposed to the full cost of running a home, car etc. And some people don't accept that different people place different values on different things. I will happily tell people I can't afford to do something and hope they respect that. If they didn't I'd start cutting contact.

Bumbalaya · 31/12/2018 09:29

I hear you. We have quite well off family and we see them less and less because of this. We have very very little left after bill, rent, fuel, food and if we do any special outings or if its fucking Christmas we have a seriously shit month ahead of us.
I can't be bothered to try and explain it to people if they don't get it, its sad though because it does affect relationships.

GenerationSnowflake · 31/12/2018 09:35

that's a very weird friendship.

One of my excuse to refuse things is usually "I can't afford it" and that normally shuts people up, never had I anyone commenting on that or had to justify my finance! That sounds completely ridiculous.

You need to learn to refuse things even in front of your own children, that's not healthy otherwise. They might be disappointed for a minute but they will get over it.

MeOldChina · 31/12/2018 09:42

She does sound lacking in empathy and tact, and has no right to dictate how you spend your money.

I'm not a single parent, and would describe us as having a "decent" income in that we have a house that we like and can generally afford to do the things we would like to, but I couldn't just be dropping £300 on a log cabin just for shits and giggles, especially not on top of everything else she is likely to suggest in the meantime!

Handprints2018 · 31/12/2018 09:42

She is not a friend. She likes putting you down and reminding you she is 'considerably richer than you' to quote Harry Enfield.

She says things in front of your dd, makes you feel bad you can't afford things abd reminds dd of that. Why expose your child to that.

Tell her to fuck off. She doesnt sound clueless, if She was she wouldn't keep going on in front of dd. She would listen if shd was a friend. She is neither.

Handprints2018 · 31/12/2018 09:44

I have been in the same situation with a friend. The difference being she is a friend. She was embarrassed when i explained to her that i really couldn't afford it and we arranged cheaper things.

Val87 · 31/12/2018 09:44

She’s not a nice friend. She knew you wouldn’t be able to afford the log cabin, she’s just looking for opportunities to bring up your money situation and then guilt trip you. Strange.

MakeAWhish · 31/12/2018 09:46

It's hard isn't it. I get this a lot with my friends. When I inevitably have to reply 'sorry, I just can't afford this' to the various ideas they have, I feel like I'm being a martyr. But, it is what it is. I've skinted myself trying to keep up with them in the past and I've had to stop doing it now.
My own sister suggested I look at buying a brand new car the other day, when I was texting the family advice about buying a car second hand. I was gob smacked that she thought I could afford it. People are just oblivious, really.

Noviceoftheweek · 31/12/2018 09:46

This is something we are navigating. As senior high earners in the city, we have an income that puts us in the top 1%. The DC go to private school but the other DC aren’t all from hugely wealthy families. We are forever reminding the DC how lucky they are and how important it is to give back.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 31/12/2018 09:46

You could tell her that a night out at a cost of £20-£40 is very different to finding £300 but I think you need to distance yourself from her. Take longer to reply to text messages and be much busier so you can’t meet up so often. She’s being a manipulative bitch to tell your DD that she is missing out on treats because of you.

I mix with friends who are much wealthier than me but they would never try to shame me into spending money I don’t have. A true friend would just accept that you have a different lifestyle to them and be supportive. They would value your friendship and company more than anything else. This woman isn’t a good friend for you.

Adversecamber22 · 31/12/2018 09:49

She sounds bloody awful and is not a real friend in any way shape or form.

justonemoreminutepls · 31/12/2018 09:49

my df is reasonably well off but he often says there are some friends you just can't afford to have.

AlwaysSomethingThere · 31/12/2018 10:07

Oh God does she ask you to split the bill OP when she takes you to 18 star restaurants?!

sonjadog · 31/12/2018 10:10

She really isn't a friend to you. I'm in her position in a couple of my friendships and we do stuff that suits the budget of my friends on lower incomes. I know what kind of things they can afford, so if I am suggesting something, I know what is possible, rather than suggesting stuff that I know they are very unlikely to afford. Certainly I´d never make them explain why they can't afford something.

I think the real issue here is that she is a rather unpleasant person.

BusyMum47 · 31/12/2018 10:10

Bin her - no one should make you feel like this! You're being a responsible, single parent, bringing up your child & living your life the way you choose - don't let her dictate what you do or how you feel!! She doesn't sound like a proper friend. End of.

iseecabbages · 31/12/2018 10:11

The way you are describing her makes her sound awful, not sure why you’d want to spend any of your money to be in her company tbh.
Telling both your dds they can’t do stuff because you can’t afford it is a disgrace.
And the text with her commenting about you having a night out with other friends, so obviously you have money now. Makes her sound very controlling.
You shouldn’t have to provide bank statements for her to take no for an answer. I wouldn’t justify myself to a friend if I dont want to do something.
It sounds way more complex than her not grasping you can’t afford something. She sound very manipulative and controlling, does she not have any other friends she spend her money with?

Trottersindependenttraders · 31/12/2018 10:20

Not sure this is much of a friendship OP. She sounds like a bully.

Does she get really involved in knowing the minute details of your life? I ask because your comment ‘ooh must be flush now all of a sudden ay?’ struck a cord with me as I had a friend like this. Everything we did was pulled apart, how we could afford it, why we would want to do it (!). Literally everything from me going back to work to us going France for a weeks holiday. I felt like I had to justify everything or conceal what we’d done.
We’re no longer in contact, I felt so free and no longer judged. Much happier.

I’m sure my ex-friend is also a lovely person, but it was too much for me, too intrusive. I’d advise giving this so called friendship a new year review.

MyDcAreMarvel · 31/12/2018 10:24

Spectacularly ironic to have someone sceptical that you can't afford it respond...
You are misunderstanding my point , I understand that the op can’t afford it ,however the op states she is on a decent wage which is most likely what is confusing her friend.

LemonSqueezy0 · 31/12/2018 10:43

You don't owe her a detailed financial review at all, so ignore PP who said that.

You are a grown adult, raising a child alone. If you don't want to spend the money on a bloody log cabin, then you don't have to explain it, or stay in so she doesn't tot up what you've spent.

I'd be much more concerned on how this will impact on your DD and her mental health as I assume you're trying to raise her as a thoughtful, empathetic, kind person who lives within her means. Don't let this relationship poison her, especially if the daughter/friend ends up being like her mum...

subspace · 31/12/2018 11:04

She doesn't sound like that nice a friend. She's being incredibly rude, and I'd waste no time in letting her have a taste of her own medicine. "Did you mean to be so rude?" Is a good standby for many situations, including repeatedly inviting you to a thing that thou won't be able to afford in front of your children, or passive aggressive bs like that.

The log cabin thing, the first time she came back after I'd said thanks but no can't afford it I'd kill her. "No Karen, it's not about not treating myself, it's about having to make a choice between a log cabin for the weekend and a mortgage repayment. BACK OFF."