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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends that don't understand you're not as well off!

177 replies

Szechan · 31/12/2018 00:01

My DD and her best mate are very close. Her mum and I have also became close over the years, often socialise without DC etc. She and her DH both have high paying jobs, I'm on a decent-ish wage BUT I'm a single parent and it's more of a struggle. I've committed myself to become debt free over the next 2 years.

She DOES NOT understand that sometimes people do not have much disposable income. She'll suggest trips at last minute, in front of our DD, which I'll either feel obliged to go on as to not disappoint them both, or simply disappoint them. Latest one is a text I've received "you're gonna love me, found a log cabin for long weekend in March, only 300 each!" Then I have to feel bad explaining on top of sustenance for the weekend, I simply do not have the money to pay for this!! Then I get texts "go onnnn, you only live once!"!!

I genuinely do feel like she does not understand that I would actually have to NOT pay my bills or mortgage that month to agree to this. She is lively in every other way. How do people get so detached from reality sometimes that they think like this?? I am a single mother who has to pay everything for my DD!!

Arghhhhh. Just needed a rant really Grin

OP posts:
thefinn · 31/12/2018 11:07

She sounds like a nasty bully tbf. Good luck with the debt.

Whiskeywithwater · 31/12/2018 11:08

She doesn’t sound very lovely in any way to me .,,,

Thehop · 31/12/2018 11:11

She’s not a nice friend at all. I would distance yourself

LakieLady · 31/12/2018 11:36

I used to have a friend like this. She'd suggest that we go to a festival together, then blithely insist that we pay an extra £250 each to stay in an area where the tents are all put up for you and there are showers. Or we could have a free trip to her other friend's (timeshare) villa in St Lucia, the flights were "only" £700.

She had no idea of the reality of living on the average wage.

DistanceCall · 31/12/2018 12:09

Someone who deliberately shames your daughter in front of her friend because you can't afford things - and make no mistake, that's exactly what she is doing - is not "lovely". She's a fucking bitch.

Don't allow your daughter to be put in that position again, OP.

WontonSoupForTheSoul · 31/12/2018 12:16

People don’t get it, never will unless they end up line parenting themselves

Is that true, though? I think most people can grasp the difficulty of running a household with just one adult contributing and wouldn’t make the assumption that money is plentiful.

Obviously, there are plenty of single parents who have high incomes etc that afford them a lot of disposable income, but OP doesn’t seem to have given her “friend” that impression.

Cut her loose, OP. She sounds difficult, and a bit thick.

DistanceCall · 31/12/2018 12:22

People don’t get it, never will unless they end up line parenting themselves

I agree that this is not true. Never mind a single parent, if ANYONE tells me that they can't afford X, talk about X ceases immediately, and I don't mention it again or talk about that person's finances.

It's extremely rude to (a) insist, ignorig what the other person has said about not being able to afford it (which is often embarrasing and hard to say), and (b) question that person's finances. FFS.

Kisskiss · 31/12/2018 17:47

She sounds really annoying. You explained why you cannot (do what she wants you to do) , she should accept that you spend your money how you want, not go on to say ‘ you only live once’
I would find that rude and annoying!!!

Graphista · 31/12/2018 22:02

"however the op states she is on a decent wage which is most likely what is confusing her friend."

What's confusing about that?! Decent wage doesn't mean "can afford to drop hundreds on an unplanned trip just because you want me to!"

It means can manage general expenses with occasional planned luxuries.

"People don’t get it, never will unless they end up line parenting themselves

Is that true, though?"

Yes. As someone who's been a Lp for 16 years almost, I have to say unless you've been there you can't really "get it". You can understand it on an intellectual level maybe but you can't know how it feels. To be constantly judged on every decision, every action, to have nobody to sharer the burdens, to be "the buck stops here" every day with no end in sight, to be the only one dealing with any repercussions - yea unless you've done it you can't truly know.

But I agree this woman is refusing to acknowledge even basic information as it doesn't suit HER needs to do so.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 01/01/2019 03:46

Because she is a dim bulb. It's the same mentality that thinks, for example, others can't be allergic to her cat Cos she isn't and the cat is lovely.

"What is she?"
"She’s a vegetarian, Nana."
"Could you have some wafer-thin ham? Could she have wafer-thin ham, Barbara?"

Janedoe5000 · 01/01/2019 11:08

@MyDcAreMarvel No - YOU are missing the point. Why do you keep obsessing over the OP's finances? That is not the point here and a lot of people have pointed this out.

You're either choosing to miss the point or you genuinely don't understand, in which case you really aren't in any position to offer your terrible advice.

Nottoberudebut · 01/01/2019 11:12

To be honest she sounds like someone who is possibly spending beyond her means and it using you to make herself feel better.

A bit like the person who forces others to join them eating junk food...”oh go on!” Etc and it’s to make them feel less guilty for indulging themselves. Perhaps your friend finds less guilt and more enjoyment from spending money when other people spend it with her...

MumW · 01/01/2019 11:20

but she's got me in tears today feeling like a pathetic parent
She's the pathetic one.

I think this 'friendship' has run it's course. Her stinking and manipulative attitude is causing you and your DD upset, why continue with it?
The DDs can still be friends and have playdates, just not involving mothers too. If you aren't seeing so much of them together, then you might find their friendship fades too.

MyDcAreMarvel · 01/01/2019 11:30

@Janedoe5000 sigh , no of course I understand the op can’t afford it. I was simply offering a possible reason why her friend may be confused as “ decent salary” means different things to different people.

WombatChocolate · 01/01/2019 11:33

Time for one last firm chat about this.....and then if she doesn’t get it still , distancing yourself a bit.

‘I’m finding the fact you don’t seem to grasp my financial situation a bit difficult. I think I’ve mentioned several times that often I don’t have as much spare cash as you and can’t always go on expensive days out, or what is expensive to me, even if not you. Please can I ask you not to bring these trips up in front of DD as it’s very awkward and please can I ask you to be a bit more understanding. We like spending time with you but don’t wAlAnt to keep having to say things are too expensive or to justify why we don’t want to do things - as a single parent, I just have to be more careful and would love it if you’d show some sympathy for that. I’m sure there are lots of nice, cheaper days out we can have and I really can’t keep having to explain this. Do you think you understand?’

And if she argues or says you’re just choosing not to spend when you could, say

‘Well I don’t know what else I can say really. I’ve explained that I feel I need to be more careful with money but if you can’t understand that, it’s going to be difficult to keep going out and perhaps we’d better stick to the odd coffee’

Lucyccfc · 01/01/2019 11:34

I used to have a friend like this. I had been made redundant and she was constantly suggesting weekends away that would cost about £300. Despite reminders about being out of work and having a mortgage to pay, she still continued.

I went to visit another friend, who lives about an hour away from me (not seen her in a while) and we spent £10 having a few drinks in her local pub.

You'd have thought I'd murdered someone the way my other friend banged on about how I could go away for the weekend, but not with her and she'd made loads of suggestions. (All £300 suggestions).

Suffice to say, we are not friends anymore - she was so selfish and thick-skinned. I don't have time for people like that in my life.

Godotsarrived · 01/01/2019 11:35

Fuck off is a complete sentence. She is a horrid person. Tell her to do one.

WombatChocolate · 01/01/2019 11:38

Plus Op, recognise too that you’re probably hyper-sensitive about this too. Perhaps you feel judged more than you are and edgy about cash and finances because as a single parent it does all hang on you. Under stable to feel like that, but recognise it for what it is, hold your head high and feel proud about the strong position you’ve put your family in. Expensive days out aren’t the sign of’havong arrived’ and perhaps your friend is insecure and needs to prove herself with flash spending. You’ll often find the affluent having a picnic in the park and valuing simple things rather than flash stuff.

WombatChocolate · 01/01/2019 11:45

Sometimes people don’t understand that people have different spending priorities.

We have friends with lower incomes than us but who like to buy lots of takeaways and go on all inclusive expensive holidays. They don’t get that we choose to only have a takeaway rarely and go camping on holiday when we could afford their choices. They buy new cars on finance and we drive bangers.

But we choose to spend lots on music lessons and sporting activities and over paying the mortgage. Neither is better, just different and people should appreciate different priorities. We are always keen to see our friends and will sometimes do the more expensive things they suggest, but would also like them to understand that a day at the park with picnic could be good too and it’s not always necessary to spend lots. Having more doesn’t mean you have to spend more and not wanting to spend lots with a friend doesn’t mean you don’t value them.

NotANotMan · 01/01/2019 11:52

If you are on a decent wage it’s unusually not to have £300 a month disposable income.

Hmm

I'm a LP (no maintenance) and have a decent wage (around £38k)

I budget for holidays, school holiday childcare, Christmas etc from my 'extra' income I have each month. I run an old car that often needs expensive repairs, also needed to be budgeted for. I pay private rent for an expensive house on my one wage. I pay literally everything from my one wage, as well as paying off my 2 student loans (£350 pcm)

I'm not poor, but I don't have £300 spare to pay for an extra, unplanned holiday. I could find £100 for a cheap Airbnb, which is what my friends would suggest if it ever came up.

Oblomov18 · 01/01/2019 11:53

Sit her down and tell her. Calmly. Everything you've said here.

Oblomov18 · 01/01/2019 11:54

Then, just say NO. And don't worry or be bothered by it.

BeanTownNancy · 01/01/2019 11:55

"You're welcome to pay for me and my DD if it's really important to you" smiles sweetly

Oblomov18 · 01/01/2019 11:55

The telling the dd's bit is NOT ok.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 01/01/2019 12:00

She’s bloody rude and I’d be distancing myself from her.