Friends that don't understand you're not as well off!

[Szechan]

My DD and her best mate are very close. Her mum and I have also became close over the years, often socialise without DC etc. She and her DH both have high paying jobs, I'm on a decent-ish wage BUT I'm a single parent and it's more of a struggle. I've committed myself to become debt free over the next 2 years.

She DOES NOT understand that sometimes people do not have much disposable income. She'll suggest trips at last minute, in front of our DD, which I'll either feel obliged to go on as to not disappoint them both, or simply disappoint them. Latest one is a text I've received "you're gonna love me, found a log cabin for long weekend in March, only 300 each!" Then I have to feel bad explaining on top of sustenance for the weekend, I simply do not have the money to pay for this!! Then I get texts "go onnnn, you only live once!"!!

I genuinely do feel like she does not understand that I would actually have to NOT pay my bills or mortgage that month to agree to this. She is lively in every other way. How do people get so detached from reality sometimes that they think like this?? I am a single mother who has to pay everything for my DD!!

Arghhhhh. Just needed a rant really

Our children had friends with very well off parents who would do this sort of thing. We explained to the DS and DD we could only afford so much and no further and asked them never to ask for things in front of others whether it be money related or staying overnight with a friend. They soon got the message.

The friends dropped us when they realised we were not flying long haul, buying Mercs and Jags, wearing designer everything and so on.

Shallow much.

I hate to say it, OP, but you would be better off without this 'friend' as you seem quite sensitive and she seems to have the empathy of a Mars Bar.

She’s a bit of a twat OP. Can’t be doing with folk like that who think they can comment on how you spend your income.

If £300 isn’t much to her, and she’s desperate for you to go, then why doesn’t she pay for you too? Worth asking, if only to call her bluff. I agree with others that she’s bullying you, and you don’t need your daughter to grow up with a feeling of inadequacy that inevitably comes from growing up surrounded by other people’s excess money. Encourage some new friendships. Good luck, and keep up your financial successes- you’re doing great!🌺

She sounds as though she has something to prove, perhaps she's jealous? Maybe she feels you are generally a better parent than her, so feels she has to go that extra mile.

MyDCarewtf can fu*k right off. It's obvious OP's 'friend' is using her to subsidise what she wants to do, whilst trilling on about how much cash SHE has.

Keep strong OP. I have friends who are in massive debt 'Because I'm worth it syndrome'; you don't have that idiot set of mind!

She sounds awful and manipulative. The whole go on let’s do blah blah is so that she can go, nothing to do with you. Even if you were both millionaires, she’d be saying let’s go halves on this ski chalet, and you’d say something like I don’t ski, she wouldn’t hear that and would still badger you to subsidise her outgoings.

I think in future, the way to go is:
Her: found blah blah, only 300 each
You: no thanks
Her: you only live once
You: no thanks
Her: why not
You: I don’t want to

I wouldn’t even mention money, it’s sounding from other posts that you do have the money but are choosing to budget for things YOU want to do. That could be confusing her. So just take money out of the equation as it’s irrelevant when speaking to her, you just don’t want to do X. If it something you’d like to do you could suggest you do it next year or in however many months time.

Sounds a bit like my SIL, constantly suggesting we go on holiday to a well known overpriced holiday park 10 minutes from our house/log cabins/tipi weekends/“bargain” holidays abroad etc that are at least £200 each. We have low wage jobs and 2 kids. Her and her husband have very high earning jobs and no kids, they just don’t understand that we can’t afford it. Also, if we could scrape it together, I’d much rather spend the money on a holiday for us and our two kids only. Not an extended family holiday where we must do everything together at all times.

Actually, I’m addition to my above comment, my SIL goes one further and works out exactly how much per month we’d need to save in order to be able to afford it. It’s usually worded along the lines of “it’s only £50 each a month and no one can say they can’t afford that!” Yes, yes we can. Grrr, I’m off on one now!

My best friend doesn’t have nearly as much disposable income as me and my husband she is also single like you and is paying back depts.

I would never and will never suggest, push or ask her to do things knowing it’s a non planed for purchase. However I often pay for her to come with us on breaks and for treats it’s what you do for friends and I would rather spend the money having her there with us.

Your friend is a bossy bitch who thinks you should what she wants. I would ask to speak to her and tell her straight

• please stop suggesting trips /days out I am paying back dept and cannot afford it
• do not mention anything in front of my child / children it is completely inappropriate and I don’t want her worrying about finances or feeling left out

End of.

I’m just a bit flabbergasted by the insensitive comment about having disposable income of 300£ ... how can you comment when u have no idea what the op incomings /outgoings are and make assumptions that that kind of money is going to be available ? I’m on a decent wage but when the mortgage/ bills / loan/ childcare has been paid there’s not much left for out of budget treats and trips .. everything has to be planned to the nth degree to make it happen .. just seems insensitive to assume someone else’s financial state and make a blind sweeping statement like that .... just my opinion !

she doesn't sound like a wonderful friend.some with money are just unaware and I REALLY try to give them the benefit of the doubt that never having struggled they just cant or wont get it. but to be insensitive and pushy and quite bitter souns just nasty.
id also have a word with dd.
let her know your always rying your best for her.and that youd give her the world if you could but famliles just aren't the same when it comes to how much disposable income they have.mine once had this chat with me and I just held her hand as I saw such anguish she felt .and id never even thought of it much apart from a passing wish to do certain things.but my mum gave me so much more than outings and stuff so that kind of thing didn't come into it for me.but im so glad she told me.it put things into perspective lots quicker in the future.

Whlst I understand your sentiment there’s another assumption about the use of credit cards .. the OP has already said she wanted to pay off her credit cards ( quite sensibly ) so why would she want to put more debt upon debt ? Some of us have a credit card to be there for emergencies only .. we don’t all want to use them and be owing money we don’t necessarily have ( for a log cabin in the woods say !! But tyres on the car / new exhaust for example are kinda needed )
Yes I agree going away for weekends and doing fun stuff is just that .. fun .. but she has already said that part of her DI goes towards a family holiday so she’s not exactly depriving herself or her family .. just limiting what extra activities they can do outside the comfort zone of disposable income ....

Just to clarify .. my comment was in reply to the poster who commented on the use of credit cards .. not the above post ( and I now can’t find the post to tag the poster !! ) sorry for any confusion !

It would be sad to lose a friend over this but you simply can't afford to keep up with her. You must ask her, "which part of of 'I can't afford it' do you not understand?" firmly.

"If I try to keep up with you I'll get into debt, if you don't care about that then I must end this friendship. It would be a shame to lose you as you are lovely in other ways but this is something I simply can't budge on."

My friend and I are in a very different financial position, so if I want to do something with her that I suspect would strain her finances, I just pay.

It’s not so much the financial issue that’s the problem here. I’d be upset that she was trying to manipulate the situation via your dc by insinuating that you are refusing to take her places for reasons other than financial. Add that to the fact she’s also trying to make you feel guilty for going out, by again, insinuating you’ve got more money than you’ve originally told her. Tbh she doesn’t sound that nice at all.

The only person you need to justify your financial situation to us yourself and your bank manager. If you say you can’t affird it, your friend should accept that, bot try to make you feel guilty.

I think OP has already told her. Friend is thick skinned and overbearing

@TomVeiga have you tried reading the OP posts?
Op updated with "I do tell her then I get the guilt trip! I've explained over and over, "I sometimes just can't afford the things you suggest, please accept my answer""
Just an idea.

suggest that she pays for all of you. she will get lost

I totally get what you are saying, OP and I think this woman is just being really nasty. Or thick. You don't have to explain anything to her about your finances and what you want to spend your money on. It doesn't even sound as if you want to go on her little 'bargain' trips anyway, even if you did want to spend your money that way!

TomVeiga some people quite deliberately don't "hear" what they don't want to - ie ignore what they're being told cos it doesn't suit them.

Just tell her that bills/rent etc. don't take holidays, so why should she or you?

I'm a broke lone parent. I was bemoaning the fact that knee high boots were always too baggy on my calves. My friend suggested I get some Kurt Geiger as they seemed a narrow fit