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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not want ex to leave a 15 and 17 year old alone for a week

217 replies

5fivestar · 29/12/2018 11:07

When the 15 year old has been hospitalised with anxiety.
SS aren’t interested, he left them for 3 days. They didn’t care. Am
Banging my head against a brick wall

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/12/2018 13:24

Can the 15yr old stay with the 80yr old grandparents then?

Original poster
5fivestar · 29/12/2018 13:28

WorraLiberty - well. Drip feeding again sorry. She was meant to spend a few day with granny over Christmas, got there decided she didn’t want, kicked off. He’s taken her home and grounded her

OP posts:
Original poster
5fivestar · 29/12/2018 13:28

Ruined his plans you see

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 29/12/2018 13:30

For gods sake, he is actually allowed to have plans and a social life. That’s the second time you have said something like that.

Why not even grudgingly admit that he deserves as much respect as you do as a parent?

abacucat · 29/12/2018 13:30

OP it does not matter what you think here. You have said yourself -

  • 15 year old does not want to live with you
  • You will not be allowed to live at her dads for a week
  • the 15 year old will not stay with you for the week
  • SS are not interested.

You want her dad to stay at home and look after her. You can not make that happen.

Lichtie · 29/12/2018 13:33

She kicked off at her grandparents and he is disciplining her... What a monster. Maybe more discipline is required in your home?

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2018 13:35

I'd ground a 15yr old too if they 'kicked off' at their grandparent's house.

Original poster
5fivestar · 29/12/2018 13:37

Nick - I didn’t say he wasn’t. I said what happened. She won’t actually be grounded by the way.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 29/12/2018 13:37

@theredjellybean
Just wanted to note re CAMHS and confidentiality.

IME counsellors are usually pretty good at agreeing with younger clients about sharing certain information with parents if they feel it's in the child's best interest. EG - child being bullied at school, feeling neglected by parent, etc.

If the counsellor feels the child is at risk of harming themselves or others, they have a duty to disclose this to the primary caregiver.

That said, I find it unusual that a counsellor is sharing information with the non-resident parent.

OP you've had advice re informing CAMHS and making sure the 17yr old knows they can call you. I'd think about getting this thread deleted now because you are going to get a pasting from those of us who are empathising with your 15yr old and feeling her sense of rejection and hurt. Your fragmentary posting style isn't helping.

Original poster
5fivestar · 29/12/2018 13:39

NotTheFordType - you honestly think I’m not sympathetic towards the 15 year old

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 29/12/2018 13:44

you honestly think I’m not sympathetic towards the 15 year old

Eh? How are you extrapolating that from my post?

loubluee · 29/12/2018 14:00

All I can say is poor kids.....

Original poster
5fivestar · 29/12/2018 14:01

loubluee - yeah me too, it’s tragic

OP posts:
Notacluethisxmas · 29/12/2018 14:24

This thread is awful.

Op, your daughter was the victim and she had to leave her home. You picked your other child. Do you know how damaging that is?

All you do is slag your ex off, when you are doing no parenting yourself and massively let that child down. You are now going to ask the 17 year old to not look after the 15 year old, just to spite your ex.

It's disgusting .

Notacluethisxmas · 29/12/2018 14:26

How can you describe it as her leaving in a huff? This is all everyone else's fault but your own.

You need to grow up.

Original poster
5fivestar · 29/12/2018 14:28

Notacluethisxmas - ok. So if she’d been a victim of an assault. An SS involved do you honestly think they would have left the then 4 year old in the house ? Do you seriously think the police wouldn’t have perused it ? They had the full picture and you don’t do we’ll have to roll with the professional opinions.

OP posts:
GimmeGimmeHellYeah · 29/12/2018 15:07

This sounds familiar. Have you been posting about this under various names for years?

Original poster
5fivestar · 29/12/2018 15:09

No

OP posts:
loubluee · 29/12/2018 15:23

OP I’m trying sensitively ask this, do you believe you had any fault in how the situation has got to where it is?

Original poster
5fivestar · 29/12/2018 15:31

loubluee - at the time when little one first found out we were splitting, she instantly wanted to go with her dad. He couldn’t/wouldn’t take her. He did however spend years telling her I was awful and that was the justification for his behaviour.

My mistake was playing into his hands and that day in the hospital when I was told you give permission for him to take her or she goes into care because she won’t go with you, I look back and wonder if she’d gone into care if she’d be back home by now. Who in earth wants that for their child though.

So I did what I could in extradinary circumstances that I doubt any of you have ever faced, I hope you haven’t. There is no guidebooks for this.

Having created all this shite, isit so wrong for me to expect him to look after her ? and if that means you only go away with your children so be it.

OP posts:
Original poster
5fivestar · 29/12/2018 15:34

Twice he took me to court and twice I “won” he’s only allowed near them because I allowed it. I consider that my mistake.

OP posts:
Notacluethisxmas · 29/12/2018 15:54

So if she’d been a victim of an assault. An SS involved do you honestly think they would have left the then 4 year old in the house ? Do you seriously think the police wouldn’t have perused it ? They had the full picture and you don’t do we’ll have to roll with the professional opinions.

No, not always do they pursue it. They don't always pursue DV charges either.......Doesn't mean it didn't happen.

You are angry that SS have said your ex going on holiday is fine. You think its the wrong decision. But then talking about how they must be always right when you like the decision they made regarding your own house?

Your daughter didnt huff off to her dad's. You pick her older sibling over her. she was assaulted. Look up what assault means. Wether there were charges or not. She as assaulted then you picked the person who assaulted her

She didn't leave in a huff. But that follows the rest of this thread. It the ex fault, the daughters fault, SS fault anyone but actually you.

And now you want to dictate what he can and can't do?

Original poster
5fivestar · 29/12/2018 15:57

Nope never said SS were wrong once, they were amazing. He’s moved areas now. Current SS not so much or she’s older.

I’m well aware what assault means. She was not. As I said I’m pretty sure SW and PO’s no better than you.

OP posts:
Original poster
5fivestar · 29/12/2018 16:00

And actually given I’m the only one with PR you would think I’d be in quite a strong position to say what goes on but apparently not.
It is hilarious the replies, I realise it is my fault you don’t know the ins and outs I’m choosing not to share them but you’d have a very different view

OP posts:
loubluee · 29/12/2018 16:01

I haven’t had intervention. However for reasons still unknown my ds choose to live with his dd for almost a year, and I had very little contact. Then he snapped out of it one day and asked to come back and I said of course. I asked what had triggered it and he said he honestly didn’t know. He still says the same thing 3 years on. All I could do was let him know I was there for him. I send him a few texts a week, asking how he was, how was school etc. I had a few replies. Like I said one day he changed his mind and everything went back to normal.

Also what was different for me was that his dad is an amazing father. Yes I have my ups and downs with him, but as far as ds goes I can’t fault him.

We do what we think is best at the time. It doesn’t always turn out to be the best decision, but that’s hindsight for you.

I personally was mature enough to stay by myself at 17, in fact I used to babysit overnight for family from 16. My son at 17 would have been mature enough to look after my 12 year old (it never happened).

Hand on heart do you think your 17 year old is capable? That she loves her sister enough to seek help if she becomes unwell?

I think you need to take your exdp out of this for a moment. Yes you want him to stay at home or take them with him. That’s not going to happen. So getting angry over that is not going to achieve anything, no matter how angry you feel.

Can you just let them know that you are there if they need anything. Call or text daily just to check up that they are okay and if there’s anything they need. Maybe showing them that you trust them and respect that they are becoming adults may help heal.

Can I just ask because I got confused sorry, how many child are living with your ex and how many with you? How often do you see each of your children, and how often do they see each other? Is there anyway that something like mediation can be facilitated between you and your children you are not seeing frequently?

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