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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not want ex to leave a 15 and 17 year old alone for a week

217 replies

5fivestar · 29/12/2018 11:07

When the 15 year old has been hospitalised with anxiety.
SS aren’t interested, he left them for 3 days. They didn’t care. Am
Banging my head against a brick wall

OP posts:
dorisdog · 29/12/2018 12:26

Hey, OP, if you're in touch with the CAMHS team, than that's probably the best bet. You can tell them your concerns and at least you know you've flagged it up and done all you can for now, given the situation.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/12/2018 12:29

What do you actually want to happen OP. 15 year old doesn't want to come to you and may well be happy to stay with 17 year old for a week.

Original poster
5fivestar · 29/12/2018 12:31

sweeneytoddsrazor - I want him to not go away for a week and leave his kids. If we were still married that wouldn’t happen. None of our married friends have gone off for a childfree holiday. We aren’t at that stage yet

OP posts:
Original poster
5fivestar · 29/12/2018 12:32

The obvious solution tbh is I have the 17 year old with me which forces him to do something with the 15 year old I guess.

OP posts:
steff13 · 29/12/2018 12:36

What are the ages of the other children?

Notacluethisxmas · 29/12/2018 12:36

You can't force a 17 year old to stay with you.

You need to back off.

This young girl is being let down by everyone around her.

Trust me, I know how it can be. My teenager daughter didnt want to see me for a while when I left her dad. However, you can't start manipulating your other kids so Thatcher situation is how you want it.

And yes you should have dealt with an older bully.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/12/2018 12:38

And how exactly is that solution going to help repair your relationship with the 15 year old? All your info is 2nd hand you havent seen the 15 year old since August. She nay be happy staying with the 17 year old for a week. There may be other adults near by that are checking up on them.

Original poster
5fivestar · 29/12/2018 12:39

Notacluethisxmas - 17 year old and I have an excellent relationship I wouldn’t need to force her to do anything

OP posts:
Original poster
5fivestar · 29/12/2018 12:40

Notacluethisxmas - and the dealing with would have meant catastrophic effects for all the children so it wasn’t an option.

OP posts:
theredjellybean · 29/12/2018 12:41

i think there is a massive back story here.
The 15 yr old left because of one of your older children, and you cannot have her to stay because of this .
cahms counsellor tells you stuff ???? really..doubt that, 15 yr old has confidentiality rights exactly the same as adults and the counsellor should not be talking to you without you dd written permission.
it seems you'd rather ex didn't have a holiday .
At 17 and 15 should be perfectly capable of being left and they may be very happy about it and your ex may have all sorts of safety nets in place ( neighbours checking in/other relatives etc)
you say these two children barely speak to you, so i do not think from what you say your relationship with them would stand up to you marching in and taking over.
Have you actually voiced your concerns to your ex ?
Have you ascertained exactly who is were and what safety nets there are in place ?
Maybe instead of being angry with him, you could say you are aware he is going to be away and would he and teens like you to pop over at any point to check they are ok ?

EdithWeston · 29/12/2018 12:41

Is it going to increase or decrease the 15yo 's anxiety to attempt to remove the 17 yo?

What if 17 yo refuses?

You've been out of 15yo's life for 4 months now. I agree they are on the young side to be left, but not impossibly young, and we do not know (and neither really do you, after the gap) what forms any continuing anxiety is taking.

If you feel greater surveillance is required - perhaps from neighbour or a member of their father's family or some other family friend on paternal side - then perhaps asking if that can be arranged might be a better way ahead than attempting to remove one DC thus precipitating crisis in the other. That is a recipe to enduring 'no contact' which I assume is not your aim

Original poster
5fivestar · 29/12/2018 12:42

sweeneytoddsrazor - I’m not concerned about repairing the relationship for now, just keeping her safe. How is my 17 year old supposed to cope if little one needs hospitalising again

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/12/2018 12:42

But you're not married so that's a moot point.

Lots of divorced people go away with their new partners, so there's nothing odd about that.

It all sounds quite complicated (background-wise) but he's the resident parent, so I guess you'll just have to trust his judgement on this.

Notacluethisxmas · 29/12/2018 12:42

Notacluethisxmas - and the dealing with would have meant catastrophic effects for all the children so it wasn’t an option.

More than what has happened.

I don't care what relationship you have with your 17 year old. Her doing as you want her to do is manipulation.

Original poster
5fivestar · 29/12/2018 12:44

Notacluethisxmas - yes far worse, I had to make a call. I made it it’s done now

OP posts:
Original poster
5fivestar · 29/12/2018 12:45

WorraLiberty - they arrange childcare though not they and not all have children that end up being sedated in hospital- on his watch not mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
5fivestar · 29/12/2018 12:46

Her doing as you want her to do is manipulation.

And leaving her for a week to look after her anxious sister isn’t ?

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 29/12/2018 12:46

Let your older child know that you are at the end of the phone if there is a problem.

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2018 12:46

How is my 17 year old supposed to cope if little one needs hospitalising again

Surely she'll call you?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/12/2018 12:47

So you made your call. The result of your call is you have a daughter who barely speaks to you. I suspect this is not because of her dad despite what you say but rather more because she feels your choice was that she was the least important of your children. You cannot now start insisting on what happens in regards to the way her father sees fit to parent her.

Original poster
5fivestar · 29/12/2018 12:48

Nicknacky - all I can do I guess

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sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/12/2018 12:49

She was hospitalised on his watch not yours? And you dont think that your actions were the start of it all?

Juells · 29/12/2018 12:51

not all have children that end up being sedated in hospital- on his watch not mine.

Don't want to be judgy, but something happened on your watch that led to this whole disastrous situation. You might be better off accepting that, and stop trying to blame your ex for everything.

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2018 12:53

What does it matter whose 'watch' she was on when she needed to go to hospital? Confused

The most important thing is that she got there.

Original poster
5fivestar · 29/12/2018 12:53

sweeneytoddsrazor - far from it Sweeney. I let him take them all for a week 4 years ago, came back and she was in hospital screaming the place down that she wanted to live with her dad. I said fine if that’s what you want you should go to live with him.
He didn’t take her, I then had 3 years of him filling her head with shit about me and my older DC that he told he hated and wants nothing to do with.
It’s a long horrible story, I hate every moment of but we are here now

OP posts: