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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Raf wants his spouse to have access whilst he’s away

214 replies

ttmb · 27/12/2018 20:40

My ex left me and my ds at 4 months having fallen in love with an American in Dubai, he is now 4 yrs old and sees him every other weekend. He goes away for three months soon and wants this arrangement to continue with his wife looking after him but I can’t see that being reasonable?! Why should I let another woman have all that time with my son when I could be catching up on precious lost time. Thoughts?!

OP posts:
KateGrey · 27/12/2018 20:42

Personally no I wouldn’t be happy if my son was spending every other weekend with my ex husband’s new wife. She’s not his mum and his dad won’t be around.

OyOy · 27/12/2018 20:42

No. That's ridiculous. Just no.

No legal knowledge here but surely no court would grant this?

paintinmyhairAgain · 27/12/2018 20:45

jog on with that idea. no way would i agree to that and can't see the courts agreeing either, she's not family to ds

MadMum101 · 27/12/2018 20:45

I wouldn't. Any access agreement, court ordered or otherwise, would be to see his father not his father's wife/partner.

CarolDanvers · 27/12/2018 20:46

Absolutely not! Ridiculous.

tenbob · 27/12/2018 20:46

Not a chance will any court agree to it

And they’d be seeing me in court before I agreed to it

Santaisonthesherry · 27/12/2018 20:47

If eow is his time then he can decide who has his dc if it cannot be himself..
Been there and argued this in court when exh worked and ils had the dc.
Sorry not the answer you wanted.

Handsfull13 · 27/12/2018 20:47

Definitely not. Contact is for the child and parents. Step parents don't make the cut, unless they have half siblings and you decide they can go. I say that as a step parent myself.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 27/12/2018 20:48

Nope, no way I’d do that

JacquesHammer · 27/12/2018 20:48

My DD goes to her step-mum when her father is away.

They have a special relationship and I can’t see any reason to discourage a positive influence

CarolDanvers · 27/12/2018 20:51

Been there and argued this in court when exh worked and ils had the dc.

In laws are grandparents so that's an entirely different situation.

MissMalice · 27/12/2018 20:53

It’s not about your time with your son, it’s about your son’s relationship with his paternal family, which includes his stepmother.

flirtygirl · 27/12/2018 20:53

No way. And to poster who says about special relationship. Great but not when a man has left his child to be with the other woman. No way.

MissMalice · 27/12/2018 20:54

not when a man has left his child to be with the other woman

The man left the OP. Not the child.
The man also went on to marry said woman so it’s hardly a reckless fling.

JacquesHammer · 27/12/2018 20:55

No way. And to poster who says about special relationship. Great but not when a man has left his child to be with the other woman. No way

Why though? He seems to have been seeing his child regularly. Having a good relationship with his father and step-mother can only be positive

flirtygirl · 27/12/2018 20:55

And it's not about relationship with paternal family. Access is to the parent. And I don't think a spouse does constitute paternal family unless it's stable and longterm, as we all can cite both men and women who move in new partners on a revolving door basis.

JacquesHammer · 27/12/2018 20:56

Access is to the parent

As far as I’m concerned a step-parent is a parent.

And I don't think a spouse does constitute paternal family unless it's stable and longterm, as we all can cite both men and women who move in new partners on a revolving door basis

This isn’t the situation as the OP outlines

PikaPikaTink · 27/12/2018 20:57

Does his wife actually want this? It seems odd all round. I could understand her perhaps wanting him to see him a couple of times but committing to every other weekend when she doesn't need to seems odd.

easterholidays · 27/12/2018 20:59

If the child is four doors he have an opinion? If he has a close relationship with his stepmother then stopping him from seeing her for three months is unfair to him.

Child access and visiting arrangements should always take into account what's best for the child, surely.

Milkmachine15 · 27/12/2018 21:00

Dependable on what the relationship between ds and step mum is like. If they have a good one then surely it’d be nice for them to keep that going?

TruculentandFarty · 27/12/2018 21:01

I agree, if wife is trustworthy and has a relationship with child it should not be about the affair. Child should be encouraged to have relationship with someone who cares for them, that they get along with and is married to their father... even if you hate their guts. It may not be in your interest but if it benefits your child I would make the sacrifice if I were in your position.

Perhaps you could compromise by doing Fri evening through Saturday instead of the whole weekend.

You are all going to be in this child's life for a long time (I hope, for the sake of the child). Being generous now may help with heartache later on.

MissMalice · 27/12/2018 21:02

Access is to the parent.

Thankfully the law disagrees with you.

Original poster
ttmb · 27/12/2018 21:02

Just so you have the full picture it’s for three months, they don’t have any other children but we have another son who is two and they both miss each other terribly when he is away.
I have no problem with the stepmum visiting to maintain some contact and Skyping for dad but just feel contact is there predominantly for biological parents. So hard and want to do the right thing for my Son.

OP posts:
brizzledrizzle · 27/12/2018 21:02

No way. She has no entitlement to spend time with your DC so unless there is a drip feed coming then YANBU.

mpsw · 27/12/2018 21:03

It's common in military families for contact arrangements for the child to continue during deployments. It's seen as continuity for the child to maintain his/her relationship with that side of the family and with their other household. This becomes even more important once there are half-siblings on the scene.

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